One thing has become extremely clear to me over the past fifteen years: Life is a gift to be treasured. When we remove the obstacles that originate in our own thinking, we begin to appreciate this gift like never before. My deepest hope is that everyone who reads this book will be positively touched in some way. If there’s one thought I’d love to leave you with, it’s this: You can be happy no matter what. You really can!
Foreword
MANY PEOPLE MISTAKENLY BELIEVE that circumstances make a person. They don’t. Instead, they reveal him or her. Our circumstances don’t define us; they represent our unique curriculum — our tests, challenges, and opportunities for personal growth, acceptance, and detachment. Our success as a human being does not lie in our collections of possessions or accomplishments. It does not lie in the details of our predicament, but in how we deal with what we have and how we face our challenges, how we transform our unique curriculum into growth and into a life filled with love.
We have the capacity to manifest our own destiny, to create “Real Magic” in our lives, to make our lives an expression of divinity, to remove ego from our consciousness, and to make love our top priority. To do these things, however, it’s essential that we create an inner balance, a sense of harmony and equanimity within. Happiness is not the end of the road; it’s the beginning. Contentment enhances our spiritual life.
The principles in this book act as navigational tools to help you find contentment in your life. They are like a set of operating instructions to guide you inward, where peace resides. They can help you remain centered and calm. As you become happier, you enter a new dimension of life that plants seeds for further spiritual growth. Without the constant struggle and distraction of stress, anger, conditions, and desires, your life will unfold with greater harmony.
In this extraordinary book, Dr. Carlson explains that life is not your enemy, but your thinking can be. He reminds us that our minds are very powerful tools that can work for us or against us at any given moment. We have a choice. We can learn to flow with life, with loving and patient acceptance, or we can struggle against it. I have said many times that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. We have the capacity to make this human experience all it can be. We have, within us, the resources to live a happy, fulfilled life regardless of the challenges we face. Read this book and reflect on its message. You will see that, despite outer experiences, it’s true: You can be happy no matter what! God bless you.
— Dr. Wayne Dyer
Acknowledgments
IWOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE the following people: Patti Breitman for being happy enough to see what I was trying to say even before I finished saying it; Kristine Carlson for her loving encouragement; Sheila Krystal for being such a wonderful partner and friend; Carol LaRusso for such a lovely job editing and for taking the time to learn this approach; George and Linda Pransky for being wonderful teachers; and Barbara and Don Carlson for learning the beautiful gift of happiness — and sharing it with others.
Introduction
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HAPPINESS! IT’S SOMETHING THAT ALL OF US WANT but that few of us ever achieve. It is characterized by feelings of gratitude, inner peace, satisfaction, and affection for ourselves and for others. Our most natural state of mind is one of contentment and joy. The barriers or obstructions that keep us from experiencing these positive feelings are learned negative processes that we have innocently come to accept as “necessary,” or as “just the way life is.” When we uncover these inherent positive feelings and remove the obstructions keeping us from them, the result is a more meaningful and beautiful experience of life.
These positive feelings are not fleeting emotions that come and go with changing circumstances, but permeate our lives and become part of us. Finding this state of mind allows us to be more lighthearted and easygoing, whether or not our circumstances seem to warrant this positive outlook. In this nicer state, life seems less complicated and our problems are lessened. The reason: When we feel better, we have more access to our own wisdom and common sense. We tend to be less reactive, defensive, and critical; we make better decisions and we communicate more effectively.
The best way to uncover these deep positive feelings within yourself is to begin to understand their source. There are five principles of psychological functioning that act as guides, or navigators, and will help you regain your natural sense of serenity. I call this natural state “healthy psychological functioning,” or simply “a nice feeling.” You will learn to detect and protect yourself from the psychological obstructions that have kept you from these positive feelings — those insecure thoughts that you have learned to take too seriously.
The first four principles of this book are based on a series of psychological principles that were originally formulated by Dr. Rick Suarez and Dr. Roger C. Mills.* They show you how to obtain access to this feeling of happiness whenever you like. Once understood, these principles allow you to feel happy and contented regardless of your problems — really! As a consultant who teaches these principles in my own practice, I continually see people transform their lives in a more positive direction in spite of the difficult challenges they face. When you feel genuinely contented with your life, you will be able to solve any problem more easily and efficiently than you ever thought possible. The five principles I am about to introduce represent a profound breakthrough in the understanding of our human psychological functioning. They are remarkably simple, yet powerful, principles that explain how the mind works, and they can be used by all human beings regardless of where they live — they cross all cultural barriers. The principles are described in detail beginning in chapter 1, but I’ll briefly summarize them here:
Thinking. Our ability to think creates our psychological experience of life, and thinking is a voluntary function.
Moods. Our own understanding that thinking is a voluntary function fluctuates from moment to moment and from day to day; these variances are called moods.
Separate Psychological Realities. Because we all think in a unique way, each of us lives in a separate psychological reality.
Feelings. Our feelings and emotions serve as a built-in biofeedback mechanism that lets us know how we are doing from a psychological standpoint.
The Present Moment. Learning to keep our attention in the present moment, by paying attention to our feelings, allows us to live at peak efficiency and without the distraction of negative thinking. The present moment is where we find happiness and inner peace.
Learning how your mind operates and functions allows you access to happiness — a magnificent feeling — which enables you to freely enjoy your life and your relationships. Most approaches to happiness advocate doing or changing something in your life. But experience shows us this is a temporary cure at best. The mind-set that tells us that to be happy, we must do something differently doesn’t go away when the change has taken place. It then starts all over again looking for flaws and conditions that must be met and corrected before we can feel happy. When you understand the five principles of healthy psychological functioning, you can reverse this dynamic and feel happy right now, even if you and your life aren’t perfect! Once you are feeling content, and no longer distracted by your false negativity, better access to your true wisdom and common sense will allow you to see solutions and alternatives that had been buried under weighty concerns and busy internal dialogue.
Contentment is the foundation to a fulfilling life. It brings with it good relationships, job satisfaction, parenting skills (for those of us who are parents), and the wisdom and common sense it takes to move through life in a graceful manner. Without contentment, life can seem like a battleground where we are too busy struggling with problems to enjoy life’s beauty. Consumed by concerns, hoping that someday things will be better, we postpone satisfaction while life slips away. With a happy feeling, we can enjoy life fully — right now. Obviously, your problems are very “real” and significant, but once you learn how to be contented, problems won’t stop you from enjoying your life. A contented feeling brings with it childlike enjoyment — a lighthearted way of being in the world that opens a channel of appreciation for simple things, to feel grateful for the magnificent gift of life itself.
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