It may also mean that it would be prudent to ask, “How do you mean?” or “Say a little more about that, so I can better understand.” It’s almost always better to ask how do you mean than what do you mean, since the former tends to elicit more depth and detail, while the latter tends only to prompt the other person to repeat the same words.
4. Confirm your understanding. Ask if you’ve “got it,” perhaps in just those words. This is so simple to do that you might think that nearly everyone does it. Not so. People rarely check to make sure they understand what another person means. The best way to ensure that you understand is to say it back (#3 above), and then ask if what you said was accurate. If you don’t ask for confirmation and, if necessary, correction, the two of you could end up using the same words but meaning entirely different things.
Reports and Commands
Scholars who study language sometimes point out that every communication is a report and a command, an item of information and an instruction. Although this may not always be the case, it is an insightful and provocative observation, one worth keeping in mind as it applies to suggestions and questions.
Imagine that your friend or spouse says, “I think we should go to the movies.” This could mean anything from “I’m bored and would like some diversion” through “I want you to consider my plan for the evening” to “We’re going!”
Here’s another example. Your friend says, “Don’t you think War and Peace is a wonderful book?” This is likely to mean, “You should like it too.” The “don’t you think” part is what members of the legal profession would call leading the witness.
Once you see this two-pronged nature of suggestions and questions, you will be more alert to the unvoiced commands embedded within them. This is not to say that such commands are sinister. They can be quite helpful, in that they provide social cues by conveying what the other person wants or expects. You don’t necessarily have to comply, but it’s useful to know what’s being asked or demanded.
It is generally better in any marriage to make requests as opposed to demands, to err on the side of maximizing your spouse’s freedom. It is worth noting, however, that freedom is not always the license to do what we want. Sometimes, it’s the chance to do what we ought. When Christians enter into marriage, they vow to accept certain limits in those regions of life that have to do with emotional intimacy and sexual fidelity. Yet, apart from such sacred domains, the more freedom we give our spouses, the better. And, the more freedom we grant them, the more likely they will be to prove worthy of it.
Saying and Doing
It is not enough to say that you love your husband or wife. You also have to show it. Turning things around, it is not enough to demonstrate that you love your spouse by what you do. You also have to say it. Both modes of communication—saying and doing—are necessary for a thriving marriage. Neither by itself is sufficient.
In chapter 9, we will take up modes of expressing love. Here, I simply want to shout “foul,” to blow the whistle, on any husband or wife who neglects either to demonstrate or to verbalize love, or worse, to rationalize away the deficiency.
You could, of course, reduce verbalizing love to just another kind of behavior: talking. Fair enough. But it’s an important, even essential, one. Human beings are verbal creatures; language is central to who we are. If you don’t express your love in words as well as actions, your actions may prove anemic.
The Importance of Self-Disclosure
Like saying the words I love you, telling your husband or wife about what’s going on inside of you is vitally important. It can make the difference between a tepid worn-out romance, with little spark and both spouses going through the motions, and a vibrant love affair—something from the pages of the biblical book of Solomon. It’s difficult to love someone you don’t know. How can two people relate intimately if one or both of them hides behind a wall?20 Walls guarantee that they remain emotionally distant.
If such a wall exists between you and your spouse, you’re moving in separate orbits. Walls can make us feel safe, but they also imprison us. To get your marriage to grow, you have to knock down the walls, open up a bit, and take the risk of getting hurt.
Wisdom in Choosing What to Communicate to Whom
We generally reveal different things to different people, a reality that has been backed up by psychological research. With one friend, we might share our health concerns, while with another we might talk about difficulties at work. The first friend is unlikely to hear about conflicts we’re having with a colleague. And, unless we experience a medical crisis, the second will not hear much about our health. The interesting thing is that we may feel equally close to both friends. Our choice of what to say to whom is neither random nor arbitrary. It reflects deep unconscious wisdom. We seem intuitively to know which friend is going to be the more receptive and responsive to which sorts of disclosures.
I have occasionally wondered why God hasn’t equipped us with telepathy. We have so many other impressive powers, such as adaptive intelligence and technological creativity. How is it that we do not have the capacity to read each other’s minds?
The late Oxford mathematician Jacob Bronowski suggested that we all have two languages, one for thinking and the other for speaking.21 Unless we’re out of touch with reality and living in an imaginary world, what we express in our speaking language is more or less organized. What we don’t express, what we filter out, comprises our thinking language, silent mental verbalizations devoid of much organization.
Perhaps God didn’t equip us with telepathy because we couldn’t stand it. We might not be able to endure the pain of overhearing each other’s thoughts. If people knew everything that ran through our minds, even for a day, they might be tempted to lock us up, or at least to ostracize us. We all have private mental lives, and God has graciously given us the right to keep them to ourselves. Only we can’t keep everything secret, not and enjoy close relationships.
So, the question becomes, what should we reveal to whom? If we choose the wrong people with whom to share deep feelings, we might pay a heavy price, either because they won’t treat them as confidential, or because they’ll dispense unwanted, annoying, or superficial advice. Sharing about our marriages can prove especially troublesome.
Several difficulties flow from disclosing marital problems to friends or acquaintances, so I recommend that unless your marriage is causing you intense and long-lasting pain, avoid sharing routine domestic squabbles. Here’s why:
1. Such sharing does not bespeak loyalty to your spouse, and remaining loyal is foundational to the covenant of marriage. I’m not referring to the light-hearted and affectionate sharing of your spouse’s foibles, but rather to statements that reflect global disapproval or general disgust. It only makes sense to share your marital problems if you’ve been in agony for some time. If your spouse is physically abusive or someone you fear, you face a problem that should be taken seriously. But if this is the case, you’re going to need more help and guidance than you’re likely to receive from a friend. Often, the first person with whom you should talk about anything of this nature is a pastor. But be careful. Not all pastors are equally sensitive or savvy.
2. Once you’ve declared a strongly negative position about your spouse, you’re likely to feel like you’re behaving inconsistently if not disingenuous if, a week or two later, you say something positive. People have a strong need for consistency. We don’t like to make contradictory statements, so if we’ve made disparaging remarks, we’re likely to continue to make them, even if we no longer completely believe what we’re saying.
3. Telling your problems to some people, even if they are well meaning, invites them to encourage further conflict. Decades ago, a psychiatrist named Eric Berne wrote a book called Games People Play,22 in which he outlined both constructive and destructive scripts people engage in, often without realizing it. Such games can