are two examples of how this game can operate without much in the way of awareness or intention. A wife says, “My husband doesn’t want me to cut my hair short,” and back comes the response, “You should wear it any way you want!” Or, a husband says, “My wife keeps bugging me about the garage,” in response to which he hears, “Who wears the pants in your house?” Recall how communications often contain embedded commands. In the first instance, the command is to disregard the husband’s preferences, and in the second, it’s to ignore the wife’s desire for him to tidy up the garage.
What If You Have a Serious Marital Problem?
Marital difficulties come in as many shapes and sizes as people, and it would be irresponsible of me to try to turn this book into a textbook. Regardless of the specific form that marital dysfunction takes, there are tens of thousands of people in this country who have marriages that are so damaged, and damaging, that dissolution may seem to be the only way one or both spouses is going to survive.
There are those in which one or both partners has refused, from the beginning, to enter into anything many of us would recognize as full marriage. They may have signed papers and repeated vows, but in their hearts they never made a marital commitment. As a result, they and their spouses live in agony. There are other marriages, also more legal than covenantal, in which the withholding of love and affection has all but destroyed the relationship or one of the spouses. There are still others in which the deeply ingrained behavior of one of the spouses, perhaps owing to poor impulse control, intoxication, or drug use, has resulted in serious, if not debilitating, injury to the other. And, there are marriages in which psychiatric disturbance has wreaked havoc. These are but a few of the causes of serious marital trouble.
For many Christians, an excellent source of help is close at hand: their pastors. But as suggested above, not all pastors are equally gifted or experienced. Some are effective pastoral counselors but less capable in the pulpit, while others are superb preachers but not skillful counselors. Not all are tuned in to psychological nuances; they therefore miss the subtleties of what people are thinking, feeling, and saying. A few major in vague, imprecise, and nonspecific utterances. What they say, therefore, resembles the lines of the preacher in a recent western spoof,23 which went like this: “And that’s just exactly like that part of the Bible that applies to that situation.”
Because of such differences, I cannot issue a blanket endorsement of every pastor. But neither would I endorse every psychologist, psychiatrist, or marriage therapist. This is partly because some of these professionals use the church primarily as a referral source and, so, market themselves as believing practitioners. It is sometimes the case that such practitioners have tried Christianity and found it wanting, and what they offer therefore amounts to a false religion. Such a substitute religion can subtly embody values that are anything but Christian.
If you have a serious marital problem, consider talking with your pastor or a wise and mature Christian of the same sex, rather than with your friend at the gym. For obvious reasons, avoid sharing what you’re going through with a next-door neighbor of the opposite sex.
Avoiding Trigger Words and Phrases
Just about all of us experience certain statements as irritating. They may even prompt explosions.
The causes for such detonations may not be conscious or rational, even to us. We may not know precisely why this or that word or phrase has the effect on us it does. All we know is that, if our husband or wife says that, we are ready for war. The perversity is that some spouses feel an almost irresistible urge to say the very thing that detonates the one to whom they are married.
Suppose your spouse is notably reactive to any statement that suggests timidity, perhaps due to the taunts of abusive siblings. It might, in this case, not be the path to marital bliss for you to say, “Stand up for yourself” or “Don’t be so weak and afraid.”
Similarly, if your spouse is overly sensitive, it will do no good to advise him or her not to be touchy. Such advice is likely only to cause further touchiness. Although I have never said this to anyone, in response to you’re too sensitive, I’ve occasionally been tempted to say, you’re too insensitive. If you criticize your husband or wife for being hypersensitive, this is what he or she might be inclined to fire back at you.
Or, suppose your spouse is reactive to anything you say that hints at a lack of mental agility. Even statements that disparage a suggestion might sting. This would not be a spouse to whom, even in jest, you should say, “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard” or “How could you possibly think that?” If you are married to someone who’s easily triggered in this way, refrain from disparaging even the least worthy of your spouse’s ideas.
Even if you believe that your spouse’s trigger words or phrases are irrational, avoid using them. And whatever you do, don’t turn them into a joke. Keep in mind that there are no jokes. This is not literally true of course. Still, it’s a good idea to listen closely to what the other person might have meant before adding, “I was only kidding.” Often, the person meant exactly what he or she now wants to dismiss or cover over.
Deep down, most of us know this, even if in the moment we may not want to face such a painful truth. Assume that your spouse knows it, which is why it’s best to avoid saying anything to which you have to add that qualifier.
The Do-Over
Here’s a simple method for restarting a conversation that has begun to go south: When the discussion becomes tense, say something like, “Let’s have a do-over.” By using these words, you are acknowledging that the conversation is not going well, and rather than blaming your spouse, you’re essentially saying, “Let’s not worry about whose fault this is . . . let’s just try it again a different way.” Adopting this approach may be especially useful when you’ve just angered your spouse with a trigger word.
Anna and I use a similar method. As soon as we sense that the conversation is deteriorating, one of us will say, “Stop.” Then, “Let’s start again.” This usually does the trick.
When and When Not to Use Humor
Although I’ve cautioned you not to hide cutting comments under a veil of humor, light-heartedness can work well, but only if both of you know for sure that it’s good-natured. We use it all the time now, but it took years to get the point where we could do this and see the benevolence underneath it.
Humor does not work well if it suggests to your spouse that you are not taking the issue on the table seriously, or if you’re making light of your spouse’s concerns. This is when it is most likely to backfire and be more destructive than constructive. It is rarely well advised, therefore, to resort to it when you’re trying to work out resentments.
If a soft answer defuses wrath (Prov 15:1), a humorous comment uttered at the wrong time can incite it.
Lying to Your Spouse
To dissemble is to conceal or disguise one’s true motives or intentions, to act without sincerity or integrity. It is, therefore, to lie. There are two general kinds of dissemblance, lies of commission and lies of omission. We will return to the subject of lying in a later chapter, but here I want to emphasize the potential adverse consequences of lies that involve leaving out important information.
In telling a lie of commission, you actively communicate something false. You might tell your spouse that you forgot to do something, when in reality you simply chose not to do it. Or, you might say that you’ve already paid a bill when you haven’t.
When you lie by omission, by contrast, you fail to communicate something of importance, encouraging your spouse to draw an incorrect conclusion that you don’t bother to correct. Perhaps you fail to mention that your spouse’s cousin, whom you can’t stand and don’t want anything more to do with, telephoned earlier that day. Or, you never volunteer that you gave one of your children money to pay a speeding ticket, which you know your spouse would disapprove of.
Attorneys draw a distinction between misrepresentation and fraud. You can innocently misrepresent something, such as a product,