a perceived rejection.
Insecurity can also be manifested in a fear of exploring the world, trying new activities, or taking risks. Along with this is a need for constant reassurance and a tendency to be clingy—these are all clearly evident in men with BPD.
Finally, abandonment, abuse, and rejection lead to self-hatred. Why? To put it simply, children are by their nature trusting and loving. Moreover, their formative experiences take place almost exclusively in the context of the parent-child relationship. Therefore, if they are neglected, rejected, or abused they are inclined to conclude that they are “bad” or “inferior,” as opposed to blaming their parent or caregiver for that. From their point of view, what else could explain their abuse or rejection, other than that they are somehow unlovable? Why else would their parent act with ambivalence toward them? This too was evident in Paul as an adult, for example when he would call himself “stupid” if he made a mistake, and when he would accuse his wife of feeling “superior.”
If their initial attachments are successful, children will be able to form additional attachments to significant others later on, with peers as well as with other influential adults in their lives, such as babysitters and day-care workers and, later, with teachers and coaches. I’ve met many people who can attest to how a teacher, a coach, a sibling, or other relative stepped up to the plate during their formative years and became that emotional anchor they needed.
I believe, as do many psychologists, that healthy attachments in childhood set the stage for satisfying, committed adult relationships that are not poisoned by insecurity. They lead to a positive self-image instead of one that is marred by self-hatred. Unhealthy or failed attachment, in contrast, sets the stage for precisely the insecurity and self-hatred that are the hallmarks of MBPD.
Not Just People
Children also become attached to objects, such as stuffed animals and blankets. They use these things as supplemental attachment objects. These items represent additional sources of comfort and companionship, particularly when human attachment figures are not readily available. All parents can attest to the various kinds of objects that their children become attached to, anything from a toy dragon to a stuffed kangaroo. Some families have heartwarming stories of their children’s attachment objects that were eventually packed up to accompany the “child” to college.
Adults, not just children, can also form attachments. Indeed, insecure people may be more inclined to do so than those who are relatively secure. This may include you, or someone you love.
What about Boys?
Our thinking about attachment may not be the same when it comes to boys, whom we are inclined to stereotype as rugged compared to girls. One mother, for example, expressed concern because, after she and her husband separated, their four-year-old son Tyler became attached to a doll named Sparkle.
Sparkle had long, dark brown, curly hair that glittered in the light—hence the name. This mother had originally gotten the doll for her older daughter, who was more or less indifferent to it and expressed no objections when Tyler appropriated it.
It was obvious that Sparkle was a source of comfort to Tyler, and that it was no coincidence that this new attachment followed closely on the heels of his father moving out of the house.
Tyler carried Sparkle with him constantly and would not go to sleep at night unless Sparkle was tucked in at his side. His mother’s concern was that Tyler might be ridiculed by other children for carrying a doll. This was a real possibility, especially if Tyler decided that he wanted to bring Sparkle with him to the day-care center his mother dropped him off at every morning on her way to work. To avoid that possibility I suggested that Sparkle be tucked into bed each morning, where she would spend the day waiting for Tyler to return.
Tyler maintained his attachment to Sparkle until he was six. Then, for some reason known only to Tyler, Sparkle was retired to a drawer beneath his bed. Tyler then began sleeping instead with a rubber snake and one or more stuffed dogs, which he’d begun collecting.
Tyler’s father kept in regular contact with him after the separation. Still, Tyler (more so than his sister) would cry inconsolably on occasion, saying that he missed his father. He also had occasional nightmares, the only cure for which was to sleep in his mother’s bed (with Sparkle at his side). His mother expressed surprise at this, saying that (for reasons she could not put into words) she’d expected her daughter to have the harder time. When I suggested that the reason might be an underlying assumption that boys were “tougher” than girls she thought for a moment, then nodded.
Because his parents accepted Tyler’s anxiety, and did what they could to comfort him, and also because Tyler was able to maintain his attachment to his father, his story had a happy ending. He was able to weather the storm created by his parents’ divorce. When it was time to start school he did so without difficulty and had none of the social or academic problems that are common in one of four children of divorce.
Young children like Tyler, of course, cannot be counted on to put their insecurity into words. Instead, one has to “read” it in their behavior. In turn, there are two ways to respond to their behavior. The right way is the way Tyler’s parents responded: with understanding and tolerance. The wrong way is to try to ignore the behaviors or try to talk boys out of them.
“Don’t feel that way!” will not be sufficient to make insecurity go away. Even worse are efforts to shame boys out of their insecurity. Unfortunately, because they buy into the myth of the tough boy, parents sometimes try to get boys to “tough it out” or “man up.” It would have been a mistake, for example, to try to persuade (or force) Tyler to give up Sparkle, or to insist that he stay in his own bed after having a nightmare. It would have been much worse, of course, if Tyler had lost his relationship with his father as a result of the divorce. Fortunately, that was not the case.
Taking Stock
Many of the symptoms associated with problems of attachment can be seen in adult men with BPD. The problem is that, as adults, they do not usually “connect the dots” and see how their insecurity, self-hatred, or anxiety may be rooted in the stereotype that they ought to be tough; therefore, they resist seeing such a connection. They may well buy into this stereotype themselves. Like Paul, they may get huffy and defensive if someone even suggests that they may be “insecure.”
The good news is that it is possible to work on overcoming the effects, such as those just described. However, that healing cannot begin until a man is aware of how his temperament and personality as an adult relate to his experiences as a child.
Early Memories
Early memories often reveal those to whom we were attached as children, as well as to the strength and security of those attachments. Here is an example:
Michael’s parents had divorced when he was six. His father, an engineer, was bitter. He ended up taking a job with an oil company in another country, remarried, and rarely returned to the states to see his son. When Michael came for counseling—the result of escalating conflict with his wife, combined with periodic bouts of severe depression that recently included an accidental overdose of sleeping medication—he said he did not remember much about his father. But according to his mother, he explained, he’d initially cried virtually every night at bedtime after his father left.
Later on Michael developed temper tantrums, and eventually a reputation for being someone who could fly off the handle. The depression, in contrast, did not begin to set in until he was an adult.
Despite his emotional ups and downs Michael did well in school, went to college, and became an accountant. He said that he had few friends, and inwardly had always been an anxious person who distrusted others and was self-critical. His relationships with women had also not gone smoothly. He’d been told, more than once, that he was “smothering.” From his point of view, though, the women he’d chosen to get close to were always letting him down. During his college years two of them had ended up cheating on him before breaking off the relationship. He saw no connection, however, between these women’s behavior and his tendency to be smothering and possessive. This problem existed now, as well, with his wife complaining that Michael was too controlling