IRRELATIONSHIP: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy. Mark B. Borg

      

       Special Praise for Irrelationship

      “Irrelationship crosses the frontier of self-help into a new area the authors call ‘self-other help.’ The DREAM Sequence used for recovery from irrelationship is designed for couples to work together and help them reconnect with the wonderful chemistry and emotional connections that initially drew them to one another.”

      Diana Kirschner, PhD, best-selling author of Love in 90 Days

      “A well-written, informative, and entertaining volume that tells us much about ourselves in our loving and not-so-loving relationships with others. A book to read for those brave enough to look inside themselves for understanding.”

      Tom Gullotta, editor of Family Influences on Childhood Behavior and Development, author, and CEO of the Child and Family Agency

      “Written for individuals and couples who find their relationships to be unsatisfying, Borg, Brenner, and Berry do a masterful job of combining psychoanalytic theory with cutting edge research from neurobiology, all in completely non-jargon, understandable language. The authors identify factors that contribute to a sense of ‘stuckness’ in relationships and use clinical vignettes to illustrate the difficulties and demonstrate ways to ameliorate the problems. Helpful for clinicians as well as laypeople.”

      Susan Kolod, PhD, Training and Supervising Analyst, William Alanson White Institute, and editor of Psychology Today’s “Contemporary Psychoanalysis in Action”

      “Irrelationship is a new label for the old idea of dysfunctional relationships in dating, marital, or partnering couples. With many case studies, the authors describe forms of dysfunction stemming from a psychoanalytic perspective of carrying forward into adulthood the dysfunctional patterns that were formed unconsciously in childhood.

      The road to recovery is stated in user-friendly, self-help terms that empower each person in the relationship to make changes and develop healthier ways of thinking and behaving through a mutuality of experience that permits the expression of love in all its wonderful, vital, unpredictable, and even downside forms, as the way to find continued growth and collaboration for both members of the couple.”

      Martin Bloom, PhD, Professor Emeritus, University of Connecticut, and editor of Encyclopedia of Primary Prevention and Health Promotion

      “Irrelationship is an invaluable user’s guide to the care and maintenance of adult relationships. It shines a light on challenges we often choose to ignore—the adoption of roles that limit us, the replaying of damaging patterns formed by our earliest experiences—and offers insightful and concrete advice on how to do the work necessary to build stronger and happier partnerships.”

      Carolyn Parkhurst, author of The Dogs of Babel and The Nobodies Album

Central Recovery Press (CRP) is committed to publishing exceptional materials addressing addiction treatment, recovery, and behavioral healthcare topics, including original and quality books, audio/visual communications, and web-based new media. Through a diverse selection of titles, we seek to contribute a broad range of unique resources for professionals, recovering individuals and their families, and the general public.

      For more information, visit www.centralrecoverypress.com.

      © 2015 by Mark B. Borg, Jr., Grant Hilary Brenner, and John Daniel Berry All rights reserved. Published 2015.

      No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

      Publisher: Central Recovery Press

      3321 N. Buffalo Drive

      Las Vegas, NV 89129

      20 19 18 17 16 15 1 2 3 4 5

      ISBN: 978-1-942094-01-2 (e-book)

      Photos of Mark B. Borg, Jr., Grant Brenner, and Daniel Berry by Eric Jiaju Lee.

      Publisher’s Note: This book contains general information about relationships, recovery, and related matters. The information is not medical advice and should not be treated as such. Central Recovery Press makes no representations or warranties in relation to the information in this book. If you have specific questions about any medical matter discussed in this book, you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. This book is not an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider.

      Our books represent the experiences and opinions of their authors only. Every effort has been made to ensure that events, institutions, and statistics presented in our books as facts are accurate and up-to-date. To protect their privacy, the names of some of the people, places, and institutions in this book have been changed.

       Cover design and interior design and layout by Deb Tremper, Six Penny Graphics

To those beloved with whom I just take a walk every day—Haruna, Kata, and Uta.

       Mark

      For Marina, Quinn, and Reyd, who keep me on my toes.

       Grant

      To the King of my heart—you know who you are.

Danny

Table of Contents

AcknowledgmentsForewordIntroduction All the Wrong ReasonsUsing This BookPart One Irrelationship on Stage Your Song-and-Dance RoutineChapter 1 Anatomy of IrrelationshipChapter 2 Performer or Audience?Chapter 3 Short-Circuiting the Possibility of LoveChapter 4 The Threat of IntimacyPart Two Getting to Know You Spotlight on the Performer and the AudienceChapter 5 The Performer—Intuition Backfires into IsolationChapter 6 The Audience—Resisting CarePart Three Backstage The Inner Workings of IrrelationshipChapter 7 Patterns and PitfallsChapter 8 A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to AdulthoodPart Four Raising the Curtain on Recovery From Irrelationship to Real RelationshipChapter 9 A Brand New WorldChapter 10 The DREAM Sequence: Step-by-Step RecoveryChapter 11 Living the DreamChapter 12 Zoe and Victor Break FreePart Five Encore Cracked Open for LoveChapter 13 Cracked Open at LastAn Invitation from the AuthorsNotesBibliographyAbout the Authors

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Introduction All the Wrong Reasons

Using This Book

Part One Irrelationship on Stage Your Song-and-Dance Routine

Chapter 1 Anatomy of Irrelationship

Chapter 2 Performer or Audience?