Behind the Therapy Door. Randy Kamen

      Forgiveness Strategy

       Take a few abdominal breaths to relax. Inquire about the root of your anger or grudge. Look at the situation fairly. Do not embellish or rearrange the details. Pay attention to how anger is holding you back and keeping you hostage.

       Review your grievance story. Now restate it and visualize yourself empowered.

       Perhaps you broke ties from a friend or family member who hurt you. Maybe you left a toxic partner. Restate your story in such a way that you become the survivor and hero in your own narrative. Look at the strengths you developed as a result of this situation. Being hurt or compromised can be a catalyst for change that leads to a new path and greater personal power.

       Bring some empathy and compassion into the mix. Blaming yourself for not seeing the signs sooner inhibits the healing process. Know that bullies and abusers have often been abused themselves. Without accepting hostile or negative behaviors, try to comprehend the suffering they endured. You can understand and forgive, without necessarily tolerating bad behavior.

       Create a ritual that says goodbye to the past as you once experienced it. Welcome the love and support that you now invite into your life. For example, light a candle and say a prayer or affirmation to symbolize the brightness of the moment and the days ahead; or gather some friends to celebrate the end of an era and the beginning of a new phase of life.

       Continue to build supportive relationships. Getting support will strengthen your ability to forgive and let go of the old narrative. Notice how feelings of anger and sadness diminish as self-esteem grows.

      Anne embraced this forgiveness strategy. It deepened her insights about Beth and her past. She began to acknowledge her strengths and that she was indeed the hero of a painful past. Her beautiful family was the greatest testimonial to her success. The wounds she incurred as a child remained, at least in part. Changing her thoughts and behaviors as an adult was going to take time. Anne had been burned so many times by the important people in her early life that isolating herself became her way of remaining safe from further harm. Now she began to realize that this behavior was no longer serving her needs. Anne had to find ways to connect with others outside her immediate family. Her work was becoming clear, but still there were missing pieces.

      “What happened after you left for college?” I asked.

      “Just as I’d promised myself, I never returned home, except for an occasional visit. I seldom spoke to my sisters, Father, or Mother once I left. Margaret and Ashley both moved out of state, but they managed to maintain a relationship with each other and occasionally had contact with our parents. Kathryn lived nearby, and she spoke frequently to our mother and father, something I still resent. I chose to keep my distance from everyone because I wanted a new life unencumbered by my past.

      “Stephen and I met freshman year of college, and I loved how much fun he was. I knew he would be a good balance for me and would help me not take everything so seriously. We lived together off campus junior year and got married shortly after graduation. We only invited our two best friends to our justice-of-the-peace wedding. It was a beautiful autumn day, and I felt so lucky to have found this wonderful man.

      “Two years later, my beautiful Matthew was born. We fell madly in love with our boy, and on his first birthday we decided to start trying for another baby. I got pregnant with Justin faster than anticipated. We were elated. We didn’t have many friends, but we had each other and that was all I ever wanted.