capacity to think with clarity and in the moment, rather than simply operating on automatic pilot.
By learning a simple meditation technique, we become aware of ourselves from the inside out. We bear witness to our internal experiences and do not simply react to thoughts and sensations as they arise. Meditation helps to manage stress, anxiety, depression, pain, loss, and compulsive behaviors. It also improves concentration, cognitive function, insight, intuition, creativity, and wisdom.
Modern science teaches us that our brains are malleable, or “neuroplastic.” This refers to the brain’s ability to reshape or reorganize itself by forming new neural connections as a result of our experiences. We can “train our brains” to be calm, optimistic, and compassionate. Self-hypnosis and visualization methods help to minimize negative thoughts and emotions while building and expanding a repertoire of positive thoughts and actions. With practice, we can learn to savor positive experiences so they become deeply embedded in our minds, bodies, and hearts.
Positive Psychology and Mind-Body Connection
The growing interest in the mind-body connection parallels the study and practice of “positive psychology.” Rather than focusing on mental illness, positive psychologists seek to cultivate the individual’s unique abilities and make everyday life more fulfilling. With positive psychology tools, people can build more positive emotions, amplify their strengths, and tune into their highest purpose.
Qualities like altruism, spirituality, creativity, courage, gratitude, wisdom, and the capacity to love and be loved can be gleaned through the stories in this book. You will notice that when the women in these stories combine their personal strengths and abilities with insight and mindfulness strategies, they begin to achieve greater joy and fulfillment, even in the face of loss and disappointment.
Women and Friendship
As human beings, we are all social creatures and we need strong, positive relationships to thrive. Those with robust social ties have fewer medical or psychological problems and recover faster from trauma and illness. Women have been shown to be hardwired for friendship.1 We have a powerful biological need to connect with each other, which is demonstrated by surges in our hormones when we gather. Friendships increase our sense of belonging and purpose and improve mood and self-esteem. Research shows that women with close friends live longer, happier, and more fulfilling lives.
According to Harvard Health Publications, social connections buffer us from many of the harmful effects of stress, which can impair the arteries of the heart, the immune system, gut function, and insulin regulation.2 Friendships help protect us from disease, decrease our perception of pain, and motivate us to recover from illnesses and injuries. These vital social ties also make life passages such as aging, divorce, trauma, job loss, and death of a loved one more tolerable.
In this multitasking, techno-crazed life, many people have forgotten the simple pleasures of being present with friends. Bringing the mindful, grounded self into the context of healthy friendships helps us to heal our wounds, nourish our souls, and strengthen our resiliency. Those nurtured by friendships have more positive energy for themselves, as well as for others whose lives they touch. Behind the Therapy Door is about finding happiness and purpose and cultivating loving relationships, so that no matter what challenges life sends our way we feel able to carry on.
Mind-body medicine, mindfulness, and positive psychology strategies lay the foundation for highly effective self-care and a strong inner core. When we center ourselves, we are poised to realize our potential, build healthy relationships, and make a positive difference in the lives of others.
The Impetus for Behind the Therapy Door
Several years ago, after attending the Massachusetts Conference for Women, I discovered that even as women have become more educated, financially independent, and competitive in the workforce, they have become increasingly unhappy. This downward trend is influenced by the stress created by the contemporary demands of the workplace, which have been layered upon the more traditional responsibilities of home and hearth. In combination with a greater sense of social isolation, these realities have generated distress and unhappiness for considerable numbers of women.
Many women have become detached from friends, neighbors, and families. When connections deteriorate, personal and communal lives suffer, as do physical and emotional health. Ironically, with advancements in information and communication technologies there seems to be even less time to reconcile the competing obligations of work, family, and self-care. Sadly, women tend to feel the resulting stress more acutely than men.
My intention in writing this book is to help more women become unwilling to settle for low self-esteem and unhappiness, and to empower them with strategies that foster greater inner strength and resilience. My wish is to help you answer the question poised so wonderfully by Pulitzer Prize–winning author Mary Oliver in her poem “The Summer Day.” She writes, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
The Mission for Behind the Therapy Door
What do I really want out of my life, and how can I make it happen? How do I realize my deepest dreams and desires? How can I make a difference in the lives of others? The answers to these questions are more accessible than you might imagine. Through the wisdom found in these compelling stories, this book is designed to help you get unstuck, achieve your goals, and transform your relationships.
My hope is that the benefits derived from internalizing tools presented in Behind the Therapy Door will be life altering and, in certain instances, lifesaving. Learn from the universal struggles experienced by these six women and customize the strategies offered to address your personal needs. I encourage you to embrace and practice these techniques until they are integrated into your everyday life. You may begin to notice your own personal metamorphosis.
Consider keeping this practical guide accessible, referencing it often to review the strategies presented. These are tools that, with regular practice, will change your life in a lasting way. I encourage you to augment the knowledge you gain here with the online support I provide through webinars, online courses, podcasts, and other social media venues available on my website at www.DrRandyKamen.com.
1 http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html (accessed January 4, 2017).
2 http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/the-health-benefits-of-strong-relationships (accessed January 4, 2017).
Chapter Two
Grappling with Old Demons
Anne
Anne came to see me seeking a referral for her seventeen-year-old son, Justin. She arrived dressed in a crisp white blouse, a navy-blue skirt, and sensible flats. A waft of cigarette smoke trailed her as she entered my office. Her petite physique looked strong, her posture erect and graceful. She looked young for her mid-forties, although I could detect fine lines in her complexion, likely from years of smoking. She spoke in terse, measured sentences, as if reading from a script, and her pale face was frozen into a polite semi-smile. Ill at ease, she squirmed a bit as she sat down on the edge of my couch.
Anne began by telling me that her once easygoing, spontaneous son now isolated himself in his room. His lethargic, sullen demeanor worried her. When she tried to communicate with Justin, he either ignored her or, more typically, exhibited disgust or anger. He complained about her cooking and snarled whenever she asked about his life. “He spends most of his time alone, listening to music or playing video games in his room, and doesn’t seem to have any friends,” said Anne. “He relates to his father, Stephen, and his brother, Matthew, who is away at college, but that’s it.”
Stephen and Anne worked full time, Stephen as a freelance photographer and Anne as