HIGH SE AND SEF—LOW SI
Betty was rated the most valuable team player at the travel agency where she worked. Whatever needed to be done, she was the woman for the job. She knew that she did excellent work and could run circles around everyone else when it came to customer service. Although she knew that everyone appreciated her, she constantly fretted about her weight. She knew people judged her as fat and lazy because she was overweight.
HIGH SEF AND SI—LOW SE
Isabelle was a classy woman who held her head high. She was well educated and very competent with her knowledge and skills in working with clients at her financial planning firm. Yet, the management team always questioned her projects and decisions. When a coveted promotion becomes available, her friend encouraged her to apply, but Isabelle felt she wouldn’t be good at it, because there were so many people more qualified and talented than she.
How Low Self-Esteem Affects Your Life
Self-esteem, the category of security in ourselves that we are most familiar with, is linked to our mind, body, and spirit (MBS). Having low self-esteem negatively influences your life in a number of ways:
Depression: In many cases of depression, low self-esteem is an underlying factor. While it is certainly not the only cause, it is a great contributor. Not feeling good about who you are makes you feel that others around you don’t value or appreciate you. Some of the emotions that are associated with low esteem include melancholy, pessimism, anxiety, fear, feeling troubled, and being despondent.
Panic attacks: People with low self-esteem and a negative view of themselves are driven by a great deal of fear, which leads to anxiety, sometimes leading to anxiety attacks. This fear can be debilitating, as it keeps them on guard and with a pessimistic view of life, anticipating the worse. It can keep them from making sound decisions. There is little ambition present or the resilience needed to recover from disappointments. Low self-esteem sometimes leads to self-loathing.
Anti-social behaviors: An insecure person is not confident in their ability to bring value; they question their competence, distrust themselves, and can fear the future. Insecurity may contribute to the development of certain behaviors such as shyness, social withdrawal, arrogance, aggression, or even bullying, in some cases.
As you can see, having low self-esteem is a detriment to living an amazing life. Not only does it bring about a flood of negative emotions and behaviors, but it also can keep you stuck in a cycle of hopelessness. Sometimes people have the ability to hide their feelings of insecurity from others or camouflage them through isolation or arrogance. You may never know they are deeply insecure. Such was the case for Brenda.
Most people who saw her considered Brenda to be a beautiful woman. She had thick, gorgeous hair; beautiful brown eyes; a dazzling smile; and a perfect size eight body. She had a bubbly personality and seemed to love being around people. All of that was displayed on the outside, but when I talked with Brenda, she was very sad and insecure. She said that while the world may think that she is beautiful, that’s not what she sees or thinks when she looks in the mirror. The image looking back at her is sad and lonely. She doesn’t feel like she fits in with other people. Where others see beauty, she sees flaws. To bring Brenda to a road of recovery, we had to discover where this feeling first developed and begin to erase the subconscious thoughts. We focused on her inward characteristics, her accomplishments, and the meaningful things in her life. Through a series of exercises and activities, Brenda became conscientious of her thoughts and reprogrammed her thoughts and energy to create positive affirmations of herself.
This exercise will help you to examine your inner beauty and begin to re-create a new perception of yourself.
1 Make a list of twenty things that you like about your personality.
2 Make a list of ten physical attributes that you like about yourself.
3 Look back at your list of strengths and proudly own them as your strengths.
4 Write down what makes you unique.
5 Complete this sentence: I am the essence of beauty because I am ____________________
ROAD TO HIGHER SELF-ESTEEM
1 Focus on your inner beauty. You have a set of qualities that makes you uniquely you. Start to emphasize your inner magnificence by enhancing your strengths.
2 Become aware of your insecurities. Understanding what makes you feel insecure will help you to become conscious of your vulnerabilities and then negate those insecure thoughts.
3 Don’t compare yourself to others. Celebrate your uniqueness. Whether it’s physical or internal, everyone is different and you should celebrate and emphasize your greatness.
4 Don’t get caught up in wanting what others have. While our society and media seem to fixate on certain beauty standards, it can breed an environment of discontent. Appreciate you. Work with, and own, what you have been given.
5 A makeover may be in order. Remember hair, skin, weight, and many other physical attributes can be enhanced. Sometimes a makeover is what is needed to get you feeling great and recognizing your outward beauty. So head to your favorite makeup counter for some new tips and products, or, if you feel like splurging, hire a stylist to help you capture a new look.
6 Learn to love yourself. Fall in love with yourself and who you are. People can only love you as much as you love yourself.
Security Blankets
We have all experienced moments of insecurity in our lives. Our culture places so much emphasis on material possessions that people buy things they can’t afford just to look the part. It then becomes the cover that makes you feel secure, masking but not assuaging your insecurities. Take for instance, a status symbol we can all identify with—cars. There is a certain judgment that comes based upon the type of car a person drives. When you see someone driving a luxury vehicle, the assumption is that they must have the resources to afford the car, which places them at a certain status. When someone drives a clunker, the opposite is assumed.
I can remember driving my BMW 325 off the showroom floor. I was as proud as a peacock, and I loved how everyone looked at and responded to me. My husband and I had another luxury vehicle at the time as well. While it seemed that we could afford it, the BMW wasn’t a wise financial decision in the long run because the high payments didn’t allow for us to save as much as we should have. But it certainly made me feel and look good. As time moved on I had to sell my “baby” because my real babies and their car seats couldn’t all fit in my car. Minivan, here I come. In that, too, I sought status.
A minivan was prestigious in the “mommy world” if your van had all the bells and whistles. After a while, it was time for another upgrade! A brand-new Lincoln Navigator was in order. Of course, life took an unpleasant turn and divorce happened. After which, I ended up with an older car that was a huge downgrade from the previous vehicles. It was what I could afford at the time, but what about my pride and dignity? I realized how much of my self-worth I had tied up in driving the “right” car, which is ridiculous. I kept reminding myself, I am not my car.
I would be willing to bet that you, too, have fallen into this trap of getting a boost in self-worth through a prestigious purchase like a car, designer handbag, or fine jewelry. It’s not that these material possessions are in and of themselves a problem, but they become so when they become a barometer for your overall worth.
Here is a list of questions that will help you to determine your security blankets. Be as honest as you can when answering these questions, because it will help you clear your pathway to authenticity and confidence in yourself, and not things.
1 Can you think of a time in your past where you relied on a status symbol? What was it?
2 Have you made excuses for