drama that is the act of ‘adding new things to your sex life’.
12. Be willing to come to an understanding that works for everyone
Listen to the other person and hear what they have to say. Even if you initiated the conversation it does not mean it is all about you. Sex is a two-way street, an interaction, and should be treated as such. If someone is not comfortable with something, then reach a joint decision on how to go forward but also be willing to be open to the wonderful sexual fantasies of others. Active consent for engaging in sexual activities together is key, so build a framework that works within this idea: we both want to be here doing this. Also know that the person may need time to digest what it is you have said, so give them that space to do so. Saying ‘I love to be spanked and have my hair pulled’ does not instantly mean they will suddenly produce a belt from behind the bed and start doing the whipping.
13. Leave your ego at the door
Remember that speaking about the sex you want is not about slamming the sex you have, but about building on it. No matter where your sex life is there is always space to grow and improve so do not take the conversation as saying ‘The sex is trash and I am so unsatisfied I could scream’ and do not present it that way either.
The collective ‘sexual ego’ can sometimes take a knocking if people bring up wants and needs because media teaches us that you can meet a random at a bar and suddenly you are having the best sex of your life against the wall. Although sometimes anonymous one-night stands can be flames, so can having sex that is unpacked and spoken about because then desires can be explored to their full extent.
14. Monitor and evaluate your cummin’ and going
Like any good group project, you need to make sure that you are doing the things right. You have put in all this time and effort and you should check that it is all working out. In light of this you should be checking in with your partner and they should be checking in with you. The act of communication and making sure everyone is in a good space (even when sex is not happening at the moment) is so important, so take time to actively sit and chat about your sex life. It can be tricky but this is circling back to the very beginning, speaking about the sex.
15. Enjoy yourself
Sex is about enjoyment. Sometimes it’s about making babies. Sometimes it’s about making money. But always try to enjoy yourself. Know that your wants and needs are valid and that pursuing them does not make you some sort of sexual deviant but a normal happy human being.
6
YOU GETTING TESTED OR NAH? ON HAVING SAFE SEX
‘I think I will get the chips on the side. By the way, do you have herpes?’
*Awkward silence descends. Waiter slinks away.*
Sexual health is important and involves asking the hard questions. But the truth of the matter is this conversation is one that is extremely tricky. People’s sexual history and the possible consequences of it are a private, scary and sometimes painful matter.
There are a whole host of things that could fly under the radar when it comes to sexual health, either because people have not wanted to get tested, or may not have thought to get tested for something. Some folks may have picked up something unknowingly. Some STDs and STIs do not have symptoms so they lie there, lurking, waiting for the right time to make things super tense between lovers.
This is why getting tested and then keeping safe is so important.
One thing you must note is that anyone who denies you the ability to have safe sex is well and truly not worth your time. If you bring up things like getting tested or using condoms and the person holds it against you, get your most comfortable shoes on and keep on walking. Using protection is a way of not only caring for yourself but also for your partner(s).
We have all seen the Facebook confessionals where people are complaining that they did not know that this partner had this and that partner had that. And how someone ‘looked clean’. What does that even mean? Is there a certain sort of hue that signals STDs?
One of the great things about getting tested is that you can then take precautions. Having an STI shouldn’t be the end of the possible sexcapades. There are a whole host of treatments, ways of protecting yourself and also ways to have sex that can keep sex safe and fun.
People often shy away from actively engaging with their sexual health history because:
•They are scared of the results.
•They had a bad bout of sexual health and do not want to engage with it again.
•It seems like such a hassle (getting up, getting dressed, going to a clinic etc.).
•They are scared people will find out (the evidence now ‘exists’).
•They aren’t showing symptoms so why check?
•They are sure they always have safe sex.
•People do not know what is out there (the ‘No HIV, no problem’ mentality when there is so much more).
•Lack of comprehensive sex education (not having the info you needed when they were younger).
•No access to testing services.
•Fear of accessing the services because they are scared of being judged/being exposed/their mama knowing that they got tested for gonorrhoea because someone saw them at the clinic.
It can be scary but sometimes you need to rip off the band-aid and simply do it. Knowing is so much better than not knowing. Sadly, when it comes to sex, we can end up catching something.
So getting yourself tested is an important part of having incredible sex so you can have amazing sex.
It’s probably best to have this conversation before you have had sex with someone. It’s a tricky conversation but it also doesn’t have to be serious and boring. Have fun with the conversation (go for drinks, send a sexy text full of emojis, play ‘Guess the Saturday Activity’).
Out of the gate assure your partner it is not about ‘trying to prove if they are nasty, sticky or dirty’ but about having a comfortable sexual experience free from the stresses and strains of knowing about your status.
You may want to stop using protection with a partner(s) for any number of reasons, so getting tested needs to be a priority before you do the naked tango with naked genitals. Hopefully by the time you are at this point your communication is good (if not, there is more in the section: More sex? Different sex? Some sex? Tips for chatting coitus). If you are going to stop using condoms or dental dams the conversation needs to start with ‘Let us get tested.’
Now this could be tricky because often (especially in monogamous relationships) the idea is that we all have been here and all been clean and above board. But remember again, sometimes STDs can lie low and show no symptoms. So it’s better to be safe than sorry. It’s not about saying someone is dicey but about protecting each other. It is about making sure your sexy sex stuff is safe (which makes it even sexier and hotter because … no worries).
‘Ohhhhhh so you think I got something, huh?’ (or some variation) might be a response. Or the person might be hesitant because of the reasons given earlier of why people do not get tested. What is best to do here is explain why it is important, both for you as an individual and the collective coitus (you are protecting them as well) to get tested. Also push the ease of mind factor.
If they keep pushing back even after this convo, it might be a good time to take a pause and think about whether you really want to pounce on this person. If they do not want to protect you and themselves should they really be seeing you naked?
If you have not seen them in the nude yet:
Getting lost in new sex sauce is a real thing. You meet, the chemistry is nuclear levels of explosive and all you want to do is have all the sex. Often things at this stage can be hot and heavy and to take a beat to have the ‘what is your sexual health status’ can be difficult. You also