vagina. Tighten and pull up. Hold for 10 seconds. And release.
10
CONDOMS ARE CUMMIN’: INTERNAL, EXTERNAL AND PUTTING IT ON PROPERLY
You think you know how to put on a condom, right? Get hard, get it on and then get it on. Simple.
But the truth is there are things you probably forget or don’t know when it comes to using a condom.
And probably never really learnt.
Condom use is suspiciously absent from the public space. Other than having someone slip one from out of their pocket in a ‘safe sex advert’, movies and TV shows rarely, if ever, show people putting on a condom let alone showing you how to do it. You’d think that all people with a penis simply have one on all day every day, like underwear or a watch. Or people on TV are not using protection, which everyone should absolutely be doing. Condoms make sex so much safer (wildly so) protecting you from a whole host of STIs as well as pregnancy.
Let’s kick off with the fact that there are two types of condoms: internal condoms and external condoms.
Not only do condoms come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, bumps and grinds but they now can be inside the body or outside the body.
Internal condom: previously known as the female condom, this is a condom that can be inserted inside the body (vagina or anus). The internal condom was first introduced in 1993 but hasn’t quite gone viral yet, i.e. it’s not really a bestseller, but it is out there. They (currently) do not have as wide a range as external condoms. Basically you’d be hard pressed to find a cherry-flavoured internal condom even though adding flavoured lube is a good DIY fix in the meantime. There is some evidence of the internal condom floating about ancient Greece, usually made of a goat’s bladder. For the love of sex there were people putting the bladder of a goat inside themselves.6
External condom: this used to be known as the male condom and is the one that you slip on the outside (usually on a penis or a sex toy). It is the OG form of protection and has been around for millennia. These guys were used as far back as Ancient Egypt.7
Some random facts about condoms:
•Condoms have been around for ages. The first picture of one was a depiction of a man wearing a condom in a painting that was somewhere between 12 000 to 15 000 years old.
•The first condoms were made of sheep intestines (thank your condom companies for the upgrade).
•The large majority of people who have STIs do not show symptoms (so condoms are your friend helping you out even if you might not know).
•The average person with a penis will ejaculate about 53 litres of semen in their lifetime.
•Condoms have an average life of four years if they are kept cool and dry.
•You should not store condoms in your wallet or in the back of your jeans – the heat damages them.
•You cannot ‘double bag’ a condom meaning you cannot put on two condoms at once. It seems like a good idea. It isn’t. It does not add extra safety. It just increases the chance of both breaking.
•Using a condom cannot always guarantee that you won’t catch an STI because some infectious micro-organisms may be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact that isn’t covered by a condom. But they make still things much safer.
•In terms of condoms, size does matter (just don’t overestimate your size because this can lead to condom slippage). Don’t underestimate your size because it can cause breakage.
•Condom slippage can also occur when a penis begins to soften.
How to put on an external condom
Much as we think this is something we all know how to do, we don’t always necessarily know how to do it properly. There is no shame in not knowing how to put one on, very few people get taught how. So if you are embarrassed, practise putting one on a banana.
1.Check the expiry date of the condom. You wouldn’t want to eat expired food so don’t have sex with an expired condom. No one wants things inside them past their sell-by date. Check that there is an air bubble in the packet to make sure there isn’t a hole.
2.No matter how sexy you look do not use your teeth to open them. No sharp objects either (including scissors). We know you want to get to the condom quicker but these could damage them. You do not want a case of ‘wear and tear’ on a condom.
3.Believe it or not, you can put your condom on upside down. Or inside out. Depending on how you look at it. The rim should be on the outside so it unrolls easily. Make sure the little tip is facing up and out when you put it on. Unroll it a little to check it’s the right way up and out.
4.Pinch the little tip to allow an air-pocket at the end of the condom so that the condom can collect the cum (semen).
If you are uncircumcised it might be more comfy to pull your foreskin back before putting on a condom and rolling it down.
5.Have bomb sex.
6.When you are done and have seen the stars, moons and a few shades of the rainbow hold the rim of the condom and pull yourself out of your partner’s body.
7.Throw it away, preferably wrapped in a tissue to avoid awkward spillage.
•Losing your erection is nothing to be ashamed of. Life happens. If it happens, replace the condom.
•Do not use anything that is an oil (e.g. baby oil, coconut oil, Vaseline) with latex condoms because oil and latex do not mix, it will damage the latex.
•Add some lube inside and outside of the condom, this adds a little extra in terms of pleasure and stops the condom from breaking.
•Condoms can be a part of foreplay. It can get real sexy real quick when you add some lube and slide that on with a little dirty talk.
Reasons the internal condom rocks:
•You can put it on ahead of time (up to eight hours) so you can plan in advance when you getting some.
•They are also easy to use at the time.
•They protect the skin around the vagina and anus further reducing the risk of skin-to-skin transmission of STIs.
•They solve condom size problems because they are one size fits all. None of that ‘but it is too small’ conversation.
•They level out the responsibility and autonomy of condom use. Now we can all make the decision to put on a condom.
•It doesn’t require an erection for use.
•It doesn’t need to be removed immediately after sex: but note that things could get messy if someone cums inside you and you then stand up. It will trickle out.
•They are great for fisting and fingering in general, whether it is the anal or vaginal variety.
•There is subtle clitoral stimulation, slight but noticeable, because the entire condom moves with the motion of penetration whilst covering the area around the outside of the vagina.
How to put on an internal condom
1.Make sure you check the expiry date. That is a pretty standard thing with these things. You do not want an old condom inside you.
2.Drop a little lube on there even though the internal condom comes with lube – this decreases the chances of it tearing.
3.This condom isn’t just for your vagina. It’s safe for use in your anus too. Just make sure not to switch between