affirmations to fasting, to taking spiritual sabbatical, to attending psychological counseling. I practiced the laws of attraction and took advice from life coaches. You name it, I tried it. Yet, when the cloud of euphoria cleared, I realized I was no closer to understanding what giving myself permission really meant. In fact, I was still burdened by the destructive habits of self-doubt and apprehension. However, I clung tighter to the notion of permitting myself to do, be, and think differently.
In my quest to give myself permission, I came to understand that I had failed to consider the mental conditioning I attained while growing up. Up until this point, I had subconsciously reinforced this mental conditioning by giving into my fears and inhibitions. It was a mindset that relegated me to a life that was defined by the deeply-rooted restrictions and limitations set by others. There I was, contemplating the unthinkable — to go against everything I had ever been taught, and instead of seeking approval from others I would now be self-approving. I would be “consciously” making the final decision.
Because my perceptual and emotional foundation had been distorted by years of abuse and was in need of major renovation, I misinterpreted situations, had unreasonable expectations, and often felt hurt or disappointed by the outcome of my efforts. I was quick to assert my control, set unreasonable boundaries, and in some cases, be overly self-protective. Somewhat frustrated by all the time I lost in previous years, I wanted to rush the journey of learning to be more self-approving. Bad idea!
A complete novice, I did a lot of things wrong, like writing my first book too soon. It was my first major attempt to introduce this philosophy. While I meant well, I was quite naïve in my timing and my understanding. The idea was relatively new then, and I really needed to have practiced the concept longer so that my readers could benefit from my trial-and-error experiences. If you read my first book Giving Myself Permission: The Simplest Path to Successful Living, you might have noticed that some of my thoughts were fragmented and disjointed. For that I apologize. In my pursuit to understand, I gained a greater sense of respect for the experience and the action of giving myself permission, and learned valuable lessons along this journey.
Since the inception of this philosophy in 2001, I have evolved in my understanding of what it really means to give myself permission. My experiences have taught me so much more than I can present in one book. In this book, I maintained the original integrity and purpose of the first book. I have even used some of the original content, but I’ve integrated new lessons learned over the years. In this journey I have come to the strong belief that giving yourself permission is an absolute prerequisite to achieving anything of value and meaning in your life. Without it, little if anything is possible. I will go so far as to say that we can’t truly receive the fullness of God’s love, until we give ourselves permission to. This is a truth I have lived.
Attitude is Everything!
The philosophy of giving yourself permission is grounded in theoretical research and exploration. In the first part of this chapter, I explained the origin of the self-permission philosophy. In the remaining portion, I will lay out a model that will help you to develop a mindset for giving yourself permission in life, love and success.
In my attempts to practice self-permission, I discovered something else. I call it “self-work.” I define it as the intentional, sometimes unplanned, act of soul-searching — examining your motives and methods and then telling yourself the truth in order to make positive changes and better decisions in life. To make the necessary changes in my life I had to exert some real effort to find out first “what” caused me to act and think the way I did. The process I am about to share with you helped me to accomplish that goal.
Self-work involves making small mental steps toward change. In other words, you must adjust the way you think. First, you must acknowledge the truth concerning many areas and things in your life. Second, you must have the courage to re-evaluate the attitudes and perceptions you have about yourself. Third, you must permit yourself to let go of things, people, and situations that cause you to betray or sabotage yourself. I’ll get into the specifics of doing your self-work in the next chapter.
When I became serious about changing my life so that I could be successful, I had to make three mental shifts. I’ll also discuss each of these in the next chapter. One of the ways I limited my success was by failing to prepare mentally for the success I wanted. In most cases, people have to engage in a type of mental preparation before they begin working toward their aspirations. Failing to do so will always result in temporary success. In other words, a person may be able to attain the goal he or she desires, but is unable to maintain it long-term because their unconscious attitude or mindset doesn’t match their conscious wants.
Many of our failed attempts at success occur as a result of a restricted mindset. We all want to be successful, but we’re not all able to handle it once we get it. How many times have you heard rag-to-riches-to-rags stories about people who finally achieved the success they wanted, and one self-sabotaging act caused them to lose it all? It happens in business, relationships, and even personal goals like losing weight, buying a house, or letting go of defeating behaviors. For example, people subscribe to a particular diet, lose the weight, and then gain back more because they adjusted their mindset for temporary change, instead of a lifestyle change. After they lost the weight, they went right back to their old habits.
The same thing is true when it comes to buying a house. A person saves up enough money to buy the house, but they fail to realize that it will take more than a monthly house payment to manage it. Ultimately, they lose their homes because they carried their apartment mindset into their new home and lost it all! Let me say it another way. You can’t own a business with an employee’s mindset.
I have heard people say, “You can take the person out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the person.” Another saying goes, “You can take the person out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the person.” The undertone of both these statements that applies to every area of our lives is you have to transform your attitude and mindset if you want to change the results you get in life.
Whether your goal is to be successful in improving your quality of life, getting or maintaining love, or fulfilling your life’s purpose, you have to cultivate a fertile mindset that will sustain the success you desire. By taking the time to do your self-work— changing your attitude about success — you will have a more confident and deliberate start. You will also avoid the unconscious tendency to sabotage your efforts, and experience greater results!
Self-Permission Challenge
For your first challenge, I want you to accept for just five minutes that it’s “possible” to put the fears or doubts you have in specific areas of your life in their place. Start by selecting the simplest area of your life that you want to experience success in. After you have identified that area, answer the following questions:
1.What is most gratifying to you about the positive choices you’ve made in this area of your life?
2.When you have experienced success in this area what do you attribute it to?
3.What in this area is important for you to keep, strengthen, or preserve?
4.Without considering any limitations, what would you like to happen in order to achieve success in this area?
5.Considering your responses to the first four questions, what is one small step you can make today that will get you closer to the outcome you want in this area?
There is no time span as to how long you work through this challenge, so don’t rush this process. This is all about allowing yourself to just experience the possibilities in your life.
Chapter 2
You Are the Approval You Want
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
~Buddha
Although I tell people my journey of learning to give myself permission started in 2001 on a flight from California back home to Missouri, I have come to realize that it actually began many years before. So, maybe a truer