were going through the end of a 25 year marriage — I watched you. Your reaction was not much different than what any of the others of us who get a divorce go through.”
“People talk and make up their own minds. After all, don’t we create our own realities?”
I went back and reviewed. Was I really that horrible of a person? Did I really leave a wake of destruction? Should I be flogged and chastised for the rest of my life?
Or is it my responsibility to myself to move forward? To accept that, even though divine, I am having a human experience, and as humans, we do not come with instruction manuals. If all of the rest of us who have made mistakes in our lives held ourselves back, we’d still be living in the Stone Age.
Six months ago, this comment would have, more than likely, sent me over the edge. I would have considered jumping off a bridge, taking pills, etc., etc. Words like that cut deep. None of us is perfect.
I do not write this for support. I do not write this to say this person was wrong. I am not writing this to elevate myself. I write this to point out the differences in people’s opinions.
Compared to what? A friend always said her Dad would quip, “Compared to what?” And what is MY reality? Does this person know that I have barely made it through these past two years; that I’ve coped with extreme bouts of depression, frequently asking “why am I even here” or “should I be allowed to live” — on a desperate search to find answers to the questions I couldn’t even formulate?
“He that is without sin among you, be the first to cast stones.” Jesus . . .
I’m not perfect.
I don’t claim to be.
But, I’m not horrible.
And, I think I am beginning to love myself.
Blessings . . .
Paula
PS . . . I have 24 finished. Painting is my respite.
Even back then, painting was opening my heart . . . even while I was being chastised by others. Now, I realize that it was about him and not about me. I’ve painted my way through many challenging times. I’ll repeat . . . painting is my respite. And, I am grateful that I have chosen to step into some uncomfortable situations to learn more about myself.
Being conscious
May 27 2010
What does that mean to YOU
Official definition: To be aware of one’s own existence, sensations, thoughts, surroundings, etc.
So, this morning, I am taking a shower. Thank God — it’s hair day — and with all the power surges I have been having lately, I “should” shower or bathe at LEAST twice a day! It seems that the spirit world or messages from beyond always seem to come to me when I am in the shower. I questioned them about that. They joked with me. “We don’t notice your nakedness.”
“Well, I do . . . !!!”
So far, they haven’t listened. I’m getting used to them being there!!
And, the message came in. What does being Conscious mean to you?
To me it means getting up every morning and purposefully making a commitment to myself and to Source — the God that is within all of us — to “be” the best being that I can be that day. It means living my life with spiritual intent, knowing — not planning, mind you, but understanding — that I will have failings . . . times when I fall “off-the-wagon” so to speak. But those times are meant so that I will go within and see what it is I need to work on . . . and then forgive MYSELF and move on. NO DWELLING ON THEM!
There are some who think that living a “normal” life — living a life of responsibility — precludes being Conscious . . . that you cannot be one with the other. The message I got — in the bathroom again . . . (Thank you spirits. We are going to have to talk about this!) — is that we need to learn how to merge those two separate parts of ourselves. We need to learn to live our lives always with conscious intent; i.e. “being conscious.” To get up every morning and say: “Thy will be done” and “For today I will live the best life that I can, making every effort to be totally and completely conscious.” To go to bed every night and thank the Creator for the opportunity to be here on Earth at this time. To forgive and love ourselves. To drop judgment against ourselves (and stop the self-flagellation — I am the MASTER at that). And to sleep . . . .
I am finished with all 30 paintings.
Blessings,
Paula
Yes . . . Painting has obviously been a key to my changes. It has allowed me to think differently . . . to believe in a world that I never knew existed. So. Very. Grateful.
I miss my family
May 29 2010
More than I could even share with anyone.
So much, it causes pain. Physical pain
This journey, this path . . . seems to include a stripping away of the old energies, and many of us are being asked to leave that which has always been a part of us. It’s not always easy, and it frequently causes guilt feelings, as well as heartache, but it is a common message that many of us are getting.
For instance, why the hell would anyone leave what I left? I had a comfy, cushy life, with a great husband who was generous and very sweet to me. He would have given me anything that I wanted or needed . . . anything! So why did I need to leave??
I’m going through, right now, a phase of asking, wondering and meditating. The same answer keeps coming — “Because, Little One, you have things to do, and you must learn how to be one with yourself first, before you can teach the concept of All One.” Hmm . . . And, I couldn’t stay where I was because I would not have been authentic and coming from integrity.
So it made me think of when a person commits to a life of serving “the Lord” — becoming a priest or a nun.
This is what I found out about becoming a nun.
1. You go through the novitiate or training period. You’ll spend your time studying, praying and deciding whether you really want to become a nun. You leave your family at this time.
2. You take temporary vows of poverty, celibacy and obedience.
3. You take your final vows. If you made good on your temporary vows, you’re ready for the religious life.
Wow . . . lots of similarities. I spoke with someone this week who also chose to follow a spiritual path — she said she didn’t speak to her family for 5 years. She told me they thought she was crazy . . . completely nuts . . . a fruitcake . . . should be committed.
But what makes the spiritual path so much different from a religious path? I’m asking. Are there really any answers? Both paths serve something not “seen” but felt and known. Because one path is a business and the other really isn’t, does it make one more “right” than the other?
And so, I share with you this . . . on Memorial Day weekend . . . I miss my family. I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss my brothers and sister. I miss my mom. I miss the farm. Thank goodness, Spirit didn’t ask me to give up my children . . .
But, I am at peace. I understand the reasons. I understand the gifts that come.
Michael deserved his freedom — to find someone to love. And he has. She is beautiful and perfect for him. And it is wonderful.
Blessings,
Paula
This . . . This book . . . This is one of the reasons why I left the comfy, cushy life that I had. I have finally gotten to the point where I get to see why. My why. To help inspire others. To encourage others. To be me.
The