Currently there is panic about young males and their nearly ubiquitous use of Internet porn. When Canadian researcher Simon Lajeunesse attempted to perform research into the effects of porn on young males, he was stymied in his efforts because he couldn’t find any college-aged males who weren’t porn users; and without a control group, there was no way for him to make comparisons. Countless parents are worried about or horrified by their sons’ fascination with and use of Internet porn. And more than a few people are talking openly about the negative effects of porn use on young males.
In his book, The Demise of Guys: Why Boys are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, Phillip Zimbardo writes, “From the earliest ages, guys are seduced into excessive and mostly isolated viewing and involvement with…pornography.”4 Zimbardo then asserts that thanks to all of this porn consumption young males’ brains are being rewired to demand unrealistic levels of novelty, stimulation, and excitement, and as a result they are becoming out of sync with real world relationships. Gary Wilson, creator and moderator of the popular yourbrainonporn.com website, also asserts that young male porn users may experience a loss of interest in real world intimacy, plus a variety of other issues typically associated with compulsive sexuality.5
On Wilson’s website these fears are backed up with first-person postings by young men who’ve written into the site, detailing their experiences with porn usage saying things like:
•I started watching porn around the age of 10 and fapping (masturbating) around the age of 14. It got up to 2 to 3 times a day for the last four years, until I decided to quit. I had many reasons for starting nofap (abstinence from masturbation)—girls, anxiety, depression, and I couldn’t figure out why I felt so dead inside.
•I had weird fetishes and I couldn’t stay aroused or erect during sex or even masturbation.
•What was worse than the PIED [Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction] was the desensitization to the world. I found it hard to enjoy anything at all.
Clearly the young men posting their stories on the website have experienced consequences—not only emotional but physical—related to their porn use. The questions that can’t be answered without further investigation are whether these guys are actually addicted to porn or just casual/heavy users, and whether all young males who regularly access porn are being similarly affected. In reality, there is very little research on the topic, so we don’t know for certain what online porn is doing to the majority of young males who are looking at it. However, we do know they are looking at very early ages (for boys, the average age of first exposure to Internet porn is eleven6), and we know that some boys are being negatively affected.
In all likelihood, the majority of boys who look at porn will do so without serious problems, just as most boys who try alcohol will do so without ever becoming alcoholic. However, kids who are vulnerable to addiction thanks to either genetics or difficult life circumstance (or both) are definitely at risk for porn and cybersex addiction, just as they are at risk for developing alcoholism or drug addiction if they start experimenting with potentially addictive substances.
The following is an incomplete listing of factors that increase a young person’s vulnerability to addictions of all stripes:
•Prior addiction in a family member
•History of neglect
•History of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
•Social anxiety
•Depression
•Attention deficit disorder (ADD)
•Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
•History of self-harm behaviors (cutting, burning, etc.)
•Disordered eating (binging and purging, anorexia, etc.)
•Falling anywhere on the Asperger’s spectrum
•Learning disabilities
•Impulsivity toward high risk or intensity-driven behaviors
Of course, addiction is not just about vulnerability factors. Even people without genetic predispositions toward addiction and/or family-of-origin issues can be at risk—especially if they start in with a pleasure-inducing substance or behavior early in life. Research proves this rather conclusively with alcoholism and drug addiction, with numerous studies showing that the earlier the age of first exposure to these substances and the more frequent the use, the higher the likelihood of addiction.7
It seems reasonable to assume that the same is probably true with porn, although there is not currently any research to this effect, nor is there likely to be any such research in the near future. After all, as Gary Wilson writes, “First, who can find porn virgins of a suitable age [to use as a control group]? Second, who deliberately wants to expose kids to super-stimulating erotic videos to see what happens in their brains, or how it alters their sexual response over time?”8 This means that the only research we can realistically hope for is after-the-fact surveys of self-identified adult porn addicts, asking about when they were first exposed to digital porn, how much they used, and why. And even that research is “down the road” several years because the Internet porn explosion is such a new phenomenon.
EVERYTHING ELSE UNDER THE SUN
Porn, of course, is merely the tip of the sexnology (technology used to generate or enhance sexual pleasure) iceberg. These days it is entirely possible to meet a potential sex partner using a smartphone hookup app, to flirt with that person via texts and sexts, to be sexual with that person via webcam and teledildonic devices, and then to brag about the encounter by posting on some form of social media. And the person with whom you’ve had this torrid sexual fling has never even been in the same room as you because the entire interaction has occurred online.
As you can see, digital sexual activity extends well beyond the bounds of pornography.
I started downloading and masturbating to porn and chatting with women I met online when I was a teenager. Eventually this advanced to nightly participation in video chats and mutual masturbation via webcam. A few years ago, when I got a smartphone, I took my show on the road, sexting my regular online partners and seeking out new ones. Thanks to a couple of hookup apps, I was able to meet several women in my hometown. Suddenly, despite having no previous history of in-the-flesh adultery, I found myself meeting nearby women for casual sex. I sought help only when my wife found out about my behavior and threatened to leave me.
Looking back, I am amazed by the immense amount of time and energy I put into sexual activity. As a teen, it interfered with my schoolwork. My homework either didn’t get done or was done poorly because I was in a rush to get online. As an adult, it created emotional distance, frustration, and impatience in dating relationships and later with my wife and children, and it took up work time and office resources. Plus, waiting until my wife went to sleep and then staying up on the computer until two or three in the morning left me, more often than not, tired, exhausted, depressed, and physically unwell. Our marital sex life became practically nonexistent, and I watched my wife blame herself, thinking she was no longer attractive. Despite all the craziness, I still think about getting back online nearly every day.
—Hank, forty-two, systems analyst
Here are some of the most common engaged-in digital sexual activities:
•Joining sexual membership communities that serve various interests
•Posting personal profiles (dating and/or sex ads), and hooking up with other people either online or IRL (in real life)
•Meeting people with similar sexual interests—such as fetishes, spouses looking to cheat, or older people looking for romance—via chat rooms, websites, and smartphone apps
•Viewing and downloading porn photos or videos from people, commercial porn sites, newsgroups, or file transfer protocol (FTP) sites
•Exchanging