and somebody who could encourage him to get involved with a Twelve Step program.
When you’re looking at getting a sponsor, it’s important to find a sponsor who has a lot of recovery time. That can be tough in this field. So ask the guys in your meeting, “Who has the most recovery time in this meeting?” Get the names of five or six people who have years and years of recovery time, because they’re the people you’re going to want to emulate and get some help from. There’s no shame in that. As a matter of fact, you’re more likely to break the denial; share your secrets, your problem, the consequences; and understand your defense mechanisms if you’re with somebody who’s been there, done that. And that is the beauty of having a sponsor.
So that’s the first Recovery Task; it is breaking the denial. It is important to do that so you can recognize that you do have a sexual addiction. We’ll talk more in future shows about tasks #2–7, but right now, I want to make sure that you have understandably worked through the denial and realized that you truly do have a problem. That’s first and foremost on my list.
You can always email me at [email protected] with your questions, your concerns, and your situations. I don’t like to do Skype therapy, because I want you in my office or I want you to see somebody face-to-face. Again, that’s the most intensive treatment, but if you’re in an area where you don’t have therapist access, certainly we’ll consult with you so that you begin to get the proper help you need. If it has to be slower because you don’t have access to Twelve Step meetings, you live in the rural areas or countries that are less progressive, or you’re in an area that’s fairly remote, you may not have those resources. You may need to double up on your reading or do meditation and, of course, spend time praying; but those are other recovery tasks. I will get into those later.
All right, we have to end the show, and as I say on every show, “There will only be one of you at all times, so fearlessly have the courage to be yourself.” But you have to like that self, so it’s important to fearlessly follow through on the tasks to make you the best person ever.
My guarantee is that if you work it … it will work! And you will live a life that you deserve. We’ll see you next week for more Sex Help with Carol the Coach. Make it a good one.
CHAPTER 3
Sex Addicts and Mother Enmeshment Issues
“Sex Help with Carol the Coach”
January 6, 2014
Dr. Ken Adams
Carol: Do you want to change? Obviously in January, that’s the question that most people ask themselves. However, if you are a sex addict, you know that you’re always undergoing change. That is what you’re striving for. If you’re somebody who is listening to the show for the first, second, or third time, you may still be wondering, do you really have a problem? I’m the one who is here to tell you that if you’re questioning that, you need to go to www.sexhelp.com, take the test, read the literature, and start doing some heavy-duty work on yourself.
One, you need to meet with a certified sex addiction therapist. Two, start doing some bibliotherapy. I know, you may be one of those people who really doesn’t want to read, but if you have some questions, then you really need to go to my website, www.sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com, and see what I recommend for reading materials. I recommend only the best, and it can get very confusing what books to read, what’s important, what you should do, and I always say that it is super essential to get support. How do you do that? The easiest way is to contact somebody who is knowledgeable, attend some SAA or SA groups, and take a look at what’s out there to assist you in getting healthy.
You know I have worked with thousands of people with sexual addiction. They participate in a whole regimen of treatment. There is not one size that fits all. Clearly, if you can get to a certified sex addiction therapist, that’s the way to get the immediate resource available and be directed, or redirected, to additional resources. Sometimes when I’ve worked with somebody, or I’ve done an assessment, I realize that they are just banging their head up against the wall; they’re doing the same thing over and over again; they’re hoping that eventually it will be different and it isn’t. When that occurs, I may need to refer them to an intensive treatment program. That may be a two- to seven-day program to jumpstart their success.
Tonight, I’m going to be talking with an expert in the field. This man, Dr. Kenneth M. Adams, is one of the gurus in terms of treatment. He has spent several decades working with sexual addiction and partners of sex addicts. One of the things he found that was incredibly helpful was to create intensive workshops. This form of treatment educates clients and helps them to get the fundamentals. People who took these intensives found that they learned so much so quickly. Instead of going to therapy for a year or two, they learned in four, five, or seven days enough information to access the resources to solidify their recovery.
Tonight, Dr. Adams is going to be talking about two intensive workshops that he has set up for this year. The first is called “The New Intensive Workshop for Mother-Enmeshed Men.” For some of you, you may not even know what the word “enmeshed” means. What Dr. Adams has found is that some clients have particular difficulty in breaking free from unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy relationships. Some men have had an overly enmeshed relationship with their mothers. Enmeshed means overly close, and the relationships that addicts have with their mothers may lack boundaries. Men with enmeshed relationships may feel a lot of underlying anger and guilt. It’s not like these men wanted this close relationship with their mothers. Usually they are a casualty of a mother who wants too much closeness with them, uses them as surrogate husbands, and uses them as surrogate companions. This occurs oftentimes in families that have experienced trauma. So Dr. Adams created this workshop to help participants—through experiential work, artwork, and small- and large-group experiences—to identify the trappings of this kind of relationship and to understand how that actually by default creates an erotic template that is very difficult to change without the help of these intensive workshops or without the help of skilled therapists who understand how tough it can be when you’re in a family without boundaries, specifically between mother and son.
He’s written books on the subject. He is a speaker across the country. This workshop can be instrumental in changing a relationship that is very difficult to change. He also has directed and created a workshop for spouses and partners of sex addicts. He has an intensive outpatient workshop that is being led right now by Judith Trenkamp and Hope Ray. They have studied directly under him and have the same spirit of compassion and attention to detail that Dr. Adams has had in all of his programming, as he created his Life Healing Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico. If you’re a partner of a sex addict and you have trouble with boundaries, you have trouble saying no, you have trouble putting yourself on the front burner in creating self-care; if you don’t feel empowered—as a matter of fact, you feel identity-less—and you’re having difficulty figuring out what your feelings are and how to develop your own individuation, you’re so consumed by the sex addict that it’s really hard to know what you need; then you really need to look into this amazing workshop that is going to be March 13–16.
You can contact Dr. Ken Adams and his associates to get more information on that. You can always email me at [email protected] for contact information too. Tonight we will be finding out more about these intensives and why you would want to use them. We will also learn more about the impact on a spouse or partner when you’ve got this