other people, so the person who is doing so is neither okay nor happy. This person may believe that he or she has the right to speak to people in such a damaging way. Whatever he or she is thinking or feeling, the truth is that people do not like themselves when they speak to each other in damaging ways. In simple terms, doing so does not make anyone feel good.
The truth is that if you damage others, you also damage yourself. What you do to others, you always also do to yourself. What you are getting is a smaller share of what this person is giving to himself or herself. People who judge or criticise you are often so much more critical of themselves. The person who neglects you is also neglecting himself or herself.
Having compassion for the person who is treating you in damaging ways means that you have to look beyond your own experience and have a deeper understanding of why that person behaves in this way. Look beyond your own distress and think, with kindness, about what this person might be going through. This does not mean accepting each other’s damaging ways – compassion simply allows you not to take all the damage that comes your way so personally, but rather to see it as the responsibility of another. A person who speaks to you in a damaging way is not your responsibility.
The truth is that no matter how you have behaved, others do not have the right to treat you badly. You do not have the licence to hurt or damage others just because you are in a bad mood, upset or unhappy. If you do damage to others, you need to take a closer look at yourself and ask yourself why you treat others in ways that also damage you. Nobody can do your work for you.
Being on the receiving end of another person’s damaging ways with some compassion may help you to see a difficult interaction in a new way. It may shift your internal focus away from, ‘What am I doing wrong?’ to, ‘Is this person okay? I wonder how he or she is really doing … ’
Here are some questions that could deepen your compassion for another person.
Questions to ask yourself
•Why is this person speaking to or treating me in this way (especially if I did nothing to provoke it)?
•What is this person really going through that makes him or her treat or speak to me like this?
•What is my responsibility (if any) in this damaging interaction, and what is not?
Step 3: Choose your time and place
Being upset and having something to say doesn’t mean that now is the right time or place to say it. Feeling like talking doesn’t mean that the conversation should take place at that moment, because 50 percent of the success of your conversation is in choosing the best time and place for talking.
It is never a good time to have a conversation if you are:
•intoxicated (after two or more drinks, or if you have taken drugs);
•exhausted;
•time pressured or in a hurry;
•hungry;
•hormonal;
•too upset or angry to keep your emotions contained;
•stressed;
•distracted; or …
•simply not in the mood.
The worst places to have a conversation are:
•in your car (you don’t have the option of leaving the conversation);
•in front of your children;
•in front of friends or family;
•in public;
•in bed or in your bedroom;
•when the television is on; or …
•when you are busy on your phone, laptop or tablet.
At times like these, you should learn to calm down, gather your thoughts and decide when you both think might be a good time to talk. In fact, when you are simply not in the mood for talking, you should not talk.
So, you might be wondering: when is a good time to speak? Most couples I meet live very busy, full and stressful lives. The secret is to book a time in your busy schedules for talking and create a safe space for doing so. In this way, you honour your love and respect your relationship by giving it the time and importance it deserves. This is what it means to prioritise your relationship: to give your relationship a moment in time, a moment in your busy lives, in which it gets your respectful attention above all else in your life.
Choose the time and place carefully, as these can make or break the conversation. This skill of choosing a time and place for talking can spare your relationship many unpleasant and damaging conversations.
Questions to ask about your relationship
•What is the worst time for you to have a conversation, and why?
•What is the worst place for you to have a conversation, and why?
•When would the best time be for you to have a conversation?
•What is your favourite place for talking?
AN EXERCISE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP
If you are always busy, tired and time pressured, and feel that you never have time for your relationship, you will need to book times for important conversations in advance. Ask:
•When can we make time to talk about things in our relationship?
•When will the best time be for us to talk?
•Then, make a date.
Step 4: Protect your relationship
It is important to look closely at what has affected you and your relationships over time. You may think there is something wrong with your relationship when, in fact, you are simply experiencing very stressful circumstances. Sometimes, life gives you something you didn’t choose. This is simply life happening to you. And if you have control over what happens to you and your relationship, you should carefully consider what you allow into your life.
Exposing your relationship to too many outside influences can destroy your relationship from the inside.
Not everything that happens to you and your relationship is always under your control. You have control over your reactions, of course, but sometimes is it obvious that you didn’t invite or choose a certain experience.
Outside influences that you do not choose include:
•any act of random violence or abuse (being attacked, abused or raped);
•the death of a family member or friend;
•illness or any medical emergency;
•accidents of any kind;
•uninvited interference from family and friends;
•professional demands that you cannot control; and …
•losing your job (for reasons other than your own actions).
It is important to be honest about the effect of these uninvited influences on your life. There is no point in being hard on, and critical of, yourself if you didn’t invite the influence into your life. At times like these, you should be kind and gentle to yourself and your relationship. It seems nonsensical to fight about an influence you didn’t choose; life is stressful enough. This is the time to take better care of yourself and your relationship.
On the other hand, many outside influences are under your control. Outside influences over which you have control include:
•your consumption of alcohol and drugs;
•financial stress or mismanagement;
•working long hours and burn-out;
•an