•opening your relationship to allow others into your intimate space;
•your relationship with family members and friends;
•living for others or worrying what they think about you;
•renovations or moving house;
•fame or public scrutiny; and …
•the space in which you live.
If you would like to feel more connected to yourself and your relationship, consider every influence on your relationship seriously. For example, not drinking for an extended period or taking a break from destructive people can be a good start.
The experiences with which you surround yourself become part of you.
When you feel stressed by what is around your relationship and not in your relationship, it is time to clean out and protect your relationship. Often, I am reminded that couples or individuals under tremendous stress would experience their lives very differently if they were not under so much stress. Feeling constantly overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed is your cue that you need a change, that it is time to take better care of and protect your relationship. One of the best steps you can take to protect your relationship is to close it, for as long as is needed, to negative outside influences. Slow down, create some private spaces and spend more time with yourself, your family and your partner.
Questions to ask about your relationship
Deepen your understanding of and compassion for each other and your relationship by looking closely at what really affects your relationship.
•What have been some of the biggest influences on our relationship?
•How have these influences affected our relationship and us?
•How can we support each other during this time?
•What can we do to change things?
•How can we protect our relationship from damaging external influences?
Step 5: Calm down
Being told to calm down when you are upset is, for most people, like a red rag to a bull. You may not like being told to calm down when you are upset, but the reality is that you need to be calm when you speak about your upsets.
Try to calm down before you speak
The couples I have seen over the years are usually very upset, hurt or angry when they walk into my rooms. But the truth is that you have to calm down before you speak, because the upset partner and the calm partner are often two different people!
Your goal is to have a conversation, not a fight
In order to speak your minds and not shout your minds, you need to calm down first. It is not anyone’s responsibility to calm you down or tell you to calm down – you are always responsible for calming yourself down. If you don’t like to be told to calm down, you should look at your own responsibility here. The reality is that no matter what is upsetting you, you are always responsible for keeping your side clean by staying calm.
How calm you both are when you start speaking determines the success of your conversations. Being upset is your cue that you need to have a conversation, and being upset does not mean that you have to fight. The question is: can you share, and not shout, your upset?
Every upset is an invitation to talk
Being upset is your relationship speaking and directing you. It highlights the need for a conversation. Every upset not shared is a missed opportunity for connection. Being upset is simply saying to you that you need to prepare your mind for a conversation.
The best conversations start in a calm, relaxed place. The simple truth is that if you are not feeling calm, you shouldn’t speak. Calming down means observing yourself and your reactions and to stop being reactive. It is about learning to observe yourself and your relationship, gathering your thoughts and feelings, and not simply reacting to everything that comes your way.
Thinking about your relationship, instead of reacting to it, can create an instant sense of calm
The reality is that we have our best conversations about ‘upsets’ when we are ready and relaxed, which is why lots of couples pick up a topic for conversation when they are on holiday. As soon as we start to feel relaxed and feel that we have the energy and strength for a conversation, we try to speak to each other.
But life is not a holiday! We never have enough time, and always feel stressed and exhausted. From this place, we try to speak our minds … share our inner thoughts and feelings. It’s not surprising that most conversations turn into screaming matches.
So, what seems true is that feeling upset does not mean it is a good time to speak. Rather, it is a good time to try to gather your thoughts. The best conversations start from a place of calm and a time and place that are well considered. These two considerations will determine the life of your conversation.
If one of you is not calm, wait for both partners to calm down before you speak. Being calm does not mean that you are not upset. You are most likely not calm – you are most likely hurt and upset, and you have the right to be upset. But being upset does not give you the right to speak with disrespect.
Being hurt or upset doesn’t give you the license to speak in a damaging way.
Calming down is easier said than done. At times like these, it is often a good idea to do more and speak less – to make conversation less important, and relaxation and enjoyment of your time together the real focus. When you find yourself enjoying your time together, you create an inviting context for speaking. Your chances of having a constructive conversation are much greater when the conversation starts from a good, calm place.
A good conversation requires energy and calm
The secret is to calm down first and recharge your energy level. Make sure that you have the energy for this conversation and that you are calm enough to express your inner thoughts and feelings. This is a time for reflection, not reaction. This seems to be a difficult skill for most couples, but it is one of the most important skills that anyone in a relationship can learn.
You often only gain real perspective when you step away and relax, and then look at your relationship
I often wonder, in therapy, why it is so difficult for couples to wait to have a conversation. Why is it so difficult to calm down first and then choose a good time to speak? One of the reasons is that couples have a history of trying to speak to each other, having things quickly turn into an ugly fight, and then giving up on the topic because they feel they are getting nowhere and are exhausted from trying. The promise to speak about it later is never kept. Neither of you trusts the words, ‘Let’s talk about it later,’ because it never happens. The moment you have something to say feels like your one and only chance – one that you will fight to hold on to. So, for most couples, their partners saying, ‘Not now, I’m tired’ or, ‘Can we speak about this later?’ is infuriating. Most of the time, it is the end of the conversation and can often, therefore, feel like abandonment and rejection, even if it is not.
Questions to ask yourself
•How do I calm myself down when I am upset?
•How can I avoid causing more upset in my relationship when I am really upset?
•In a moment of real upset or anger, what can I do to calm myself down?
•How do I relax my mind when I am upset?
Step 6: Check your perceptions of each other
Often, what stands in the way of your ability to have a calm, non-reactive conversation is your perception of each other. It seems to be human nature to generalise about one bad experience and speak about it as if the person involved is always like this. If you lied, once, in one area of your life, you become a liar and cannot be trusted at all.