was a long pause before Leyna replied.
‘No. I mean, he didn’t... I don’t think that’s true.’
‘Oh, it’s true,’ Nalini assured her, uncharacteristically serious. ‘Things became worse after Erika. But it started with you.’
Leyna had no response to that.
‘Xavier’s marriage wasn’t...easy, Leyna. And then they struggled to have a baby, and... Well, it was a heavy burden on Xavier. Worse because Erika didn’t know how to carry her part of that burden—of being Queen and of not conceiving naturally.’
Leyna felt as if she were being sucked into quicksand. She drew on her breathing techniques, knowing that she had to control the panic building in her chest.
‘He loved her and he was devastated when she passed on. But it’s been three years now and...’ Nalini’s voice faded and Leyna could see the Princess’s concern for her brother.
‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘Not to upset you,’ Nalini said quickly. ‘I’m sorry if I have.’ Leyna nodded, but didn’t speak. ‘I think... I’d hoped that you’d help him. I know that’s probably out of line, but you’re the only person...’ She trailed off and then took a breath. ‘I’m telling you this because I thought you’d be able to remind him of the person he used to be. The man who’d lived and didn’t just rule.’
Leyna barely noticed that Xavier had finished his speech, but her heart raced when she caught him walking towards them.
‘Please,’ Nalini whispered, and Leyna didn’t get the chance to respond when Xavier joined them.
‘That wasn’t incredibly boring,’ Nalini said brightly. Perhaps too brightly, Leyna thought.
‘Thank you, I think?’ But he frowned, looking at Nalini and then Leyna. It took Leyna a second to realise that she should say something to him, too, and she cleared her throat.
‘It was wonderful, thank you. I hope my speech next year is just as elegant when Mattan hosts the banquet.’
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes,’ she answered quickly, and avoided Nalini’s eyes. ‘Please excuse me. I think Carlos is looking for me.’
He wasn’t doing anything to indicate that he was, but Leyna strode towards him with enough purpose that anyone watching would think he had called for her. When he saw her coming, his eyes widened and he stood at attention.
‘Your Majesty.’
‘You can relax, Carlos. I just need an excuse to get some air.’
She gave him a shaky smile and saw some of the tension seep from his stance.
‘Would you buy me some time? Tell anyone who’s looking for me I’m speaking with someone else privately. You can do that until I return. I won’t be long.’
Though she read confusion in his eyes, Carlos nodded and Leyna made her way through the secret tunnels that led to Aidara’s private beach. She kicked off her shoes at the edge of the sand and lifted the hem of her dress. It was practical—she wanted to be able to walk more easily—but she also didn’t want to ruin the beautiful dress. Then she stopped just before the water reached her feet and took a long steadying breath.
This beach held so many memories for her. Despite the fact that those memories were tainted with sadness now, it was still the place she came to for calm. For balance. She needed both now as the information Nalini had told her swirled in her head.
Xavier had had a difficult marriage. The knowledge grieved her. Even though she’d felt betrayed when he’d moved on so quickly from her, Leyna hadn’t wanted him to be unhappy. She’d wanted him to find contentment. To live a full life without her.
No, she corrected herself. What she’d wanted was for him to live a happy, full life with her. It was a contradiction that Nalini’s words had alerted Leyna to. She had never wanted Xavier to be unhappy but, if she was honest with herself, she didn’t want him to be happy without her.
She was a selfish, selfish person.
And now she was planning a marriage with him. And a child.
Hadn’t she jumped on that? She hadn’t wasted time thinking about what being married to him, what carrying his child would cost her. Not until she’d admitted to him that it might just destroy her.
She hadn’t wanted to admit it, but she couldn’t deny the truth of it now. She’d worked even harder rebuilding herself than she had on rebuilding her kingdom ten years ago. Turning away from Xavier had been absolutely soul-destroying. The only way she’d been able to survive the decision since was to focus on her duty. To focus on what she’d turned away from Xavier for.
She’d refused her grandmother’s suitors, had refused to date since. Hell, she’d refused to make time for any emotion that wasn’t necessary to run her kingdom. And now, with the possibility of a future with Xavier looming... It was enough for all the emotions she’d been ignoring to come flooding back in.
Leyna could see herself carrying a baby that was part her, part Xavier. She could already feel it move inside her, and see herself holding it for the first time. It would have Xavier’s almost grey eyes and her brown curly hair. It would have his laugh...
‘You can’t keep abandoning your guests like this, Leyna.’
She whirled around at Xavier’s voice, wondering for the briefest of moments if she’d imagined it. But he was there, walking towards her, his bare feet a stark contrast to the full-dress uniform he wore.
‘I just needed a break to think.’
‘About?’
She let out a strangled laugh. ‘What do you think?’
‘I think you need to put duty first. Doing that means marriage. And, apparently, a child,’ he added, and her heart thudded.
‘Easier said than done,’ she told him, and turned back just in time to see the water splash millimetres from her feet.
‘The conundrum of duty.’
‘You say that like it’s affected your life somehow.’
‘That’s a joke, right?’
‘I don’t mean in the usual sense.’ Her eyes followed the waves as they pulled back before crashing at the shore again. ‘I mean, how has it changed your life? How has it dictated your life?’
‘You really want to know?’ he asked, his voice low, tinged with something that had her turning towards him. A poor decision, she thought immediately, when she saw the look on his face—when she saw the seriousness, the fire, in his eyes.
Her belly stirred with a desire long-forgotten, her heart reminding her that they were in their place. That the reason he’d been able to find her when no one else would have was because he knew this was where she’d come to think. Where he’d found her countless times before.
Suddenly, the sound of the waves provided an alluring backing track. The night-time sky with its moonlight and stars offered more romance than she wanted.
She took a step back. ‘Tell me.’
‘Why don’t you go first?’
‘What is this? I show you mine, you show me yours?’
‘No.’ He took a step towards her now, and her heart pounded even harder as her body tightened. ‘But something tells me that your experiences are the reason for mine.’
‘THERE YOU GO AGAIN,’ Leyna said hoarsely. ‘Thinking you have all the answers.’
‘Not all of them,’