help. This was a seriously bad idea. She couldn’t offer Josh a future and it wasn’t fair to lead him on.
Gently, she disentangled her fingers from his. She’d just started to wriggle quietly out of his arms, hoping she wouldn’t wake him, when he said, ‘Good morning.’
No running away from the situation, then. They were going to have to face this head on.
‘Good morning,’ she muttered. ‘I—um—sorry about this.’
‘Me, too.’ Though he didn’t sound concerned or embarrassed.
‘I—um—we’re both tired and sleep-deprived,’ she said. ‘And I guess this was bound to happen as we’re sharing a bed. Propinquity and all that. It doesn’t mean we have...’ She paused, looking for the right word. ‘Intentions.’
‘Absolutely,’ he agreed.
Was he smiling?
She didn’t dare look.
‘I’ll go and make us a cup of tea before Hope wakes,’ she said, and wriggled out of his arms properly.
She splashed her face with cold water in the bathroom, in the hope that it would bring back her common sense. It didn’t. She could still feel the warmth of Josh’s arms around her, and she wanted more. So much more.
How selfish could she get?
Cross with her own stupidity, she filled the kettle with water and rummaged in the cupboard for the tea bags.
* * *
Waking with Amy in his arms was just what Josh had been dreaming about. It had taken him a moment to realise that he was awake, and she really was in his arms.
She’d blamed it on them both being tired and sleep-deprived, and the fact that they’d slept in the same bed. But she’d sounded distinctly flustered.
So did she feel the same way about him that he was starting to feel about her?
He’d promised himself that he’d hold back from starting a relationship with her until after the baby was settled—either with her birth mother, or with long-term foster parents. But they’d kissed, last night. They’d woken in each other’s arms, as if they were meant to be there. He’d been awake before Amy and she’d stayed in his arms for a few moments after she’d woken—which she wouldn’t have done if she hadn’t wanted to be there.
So maybe he needed to be brave and tell her what was in his head, and see if she felt the same way.
He climbed out of bed, checked that Hope was still asleep and not overheated, and then walked into the kitchen. Amy was making the tea, dressed in rumpled clothes and with her hair all over the place—and she’d never looked more beautiful to him or more natural.
‘Hey.’ He walked over to her and wrapped his arms round her. ‘I know I probably shouldn’t be doing this, and we don’t know each other very well, but we’ve spent a lot of time together over the last couple of days and I really like you.’ He paused. ‘And I think you might like me too.’
This was the moment where either she would push him away in utter shock and he’d have to avoid her for the next six months until things were back on an even keel between them, or she would tell him that she felt the same.
He really hoped it was going to be the latter.
But then an expression of pure misery crossed her face and she stepped back out of his embrace. ‘I do like you,’ she admitted, ‘but we can’t do this.’
‘Because of the baby?’
She took a deep breath. ‘No, not because of her.’
‘Then why?’ Josh asked, not understanding.
‘I need to tell you something about myself.’ She finished making the mugs of tea, and handed one to him. ‘Let’s go and sit down.’
‘This sounds serious.’
‘It is,’ she said grimly, ‘and there isn’t an easy way to say it, so I’m not going to sugar-coat it.’
He followed her into the living room. She sat down at one end of the sofa; he sat next to her, wondering just what kind of bombshell she was about to drop. Was she still married to her ex? No, she couldn’t be—hadn’t she said something about him getting married to someone else and expecting a baby now? So what kind of thing would hold her back from starting a new relationship?
He could see her eyes fill with tears. Whatever it was, it was something really serious. Something that hurt her. And he ached for her.
Finally, she said, her voice sounding broken, ‘I can’t have children.’
Josh wanted to reach out and take her hand and tell her that it didn’t change the way he felt, but he could see the ‘hands off’ signals written all over her. And as a doctor he knew the value of silence. If he let her talk, tell him exactly what was holding her back, then he might have more of a chance of being able to counter her arguments.
‘That’s why Michael—my ex—broke off our engagement and left,’ she continued.
Josh was horrified. It must’ve been hard enough for Amy, finding out that she couldn’t have children, but then for the man who was supposed to love her and want to marry her to walk out on her over the issue... That shocked him to the core. How could Michael have been so selfish? Why hadn’t he put Amy first? And how it must’ve hurt her when she’d learned that his new wife was expecting a baby.
‘We’d been trying for a baby for a year or so without success, so we went for investigations to find out why we couldn’t conceive.’ She looked away. ‘I knew that the guy I’d dated before Michael had cheated on me. I found it had been more than once and with more than one other woman, and that’s why I left him. I didn’t want to stay with someone who didn’t love me or respect me enough to be faithful. But what I didn’t realise was that he’d given me chlamydia.’
Josh knew then exactly what had happened to her. ‘You didn’t have any symptoms?’
She shook her head. ‘And obviously, because I didn’t know I had it, that meant I was still infected when I started seeing Michael and we moved in together. I infected Michael. He didn’t have symptoms, either.’
Quite a high percentage of people who’d been infected with chlamydia didn’t have symptoms. Not that it would comfort her to know that. ‘Amy, it wasn’t your fault.’
She shook her head. ‘I should’ve been more careful. Used condoms with Gavin—the one who cheated on me—instead of the Pill.’
How could she possibly blame herself? ‘Before you found out that he’d cheated on you, you trusted him. How long were you together?’
‘Two years.’
‘So of course you’d think the Pill was a safe form of contraception. Any woman in your shoes would.’ Josh shook his head, angry on her behalf. ‘Gavin cheated on you, and he was the one who infected you. How could anyone possibly think it was your fault?’
‘Because I should’ve got myself checked out. I should’ve realised that, because Gavin had been sleeping around, there could be consequences.’
‘But you didn’t have symptoms. Actually, around two thirds of women and about fifty per cent of men don’t have symptoms if they’re infected with chlamydia. And, if you don’t have symptoms, how are you supposed to know there’s a problem? It’s not your fault,’ he said again. ‘I’m probably speaking out of turn, but it was totally unfair of Michael to blame you.’
‘It happened. And you can’t change the past, just learn from it.’ She shrugged. ‘So now you know. As a doctor, you’ve probably already guessed what the problem is, but I’ll spell it out for you. The chlamydia gave me pelvic inflammatory disease and the scar tissue blocked my Fallopian tubes, so I can’t have children. If you’re