Lots of couples can’t have children or choose not to. It doesn’t make their relationship and how they feel about each other any less valid. And if this thing between us works out the way I hope it might, then if we do decide in the future that we want children then we still have options. Did your specialist not mention IVF?’
She swallowed. ‘Yes, but Michael didn’t want to do that.’
Josh wasn’t surprised. And he’d just bet the other man’s reasoning was purely to do with himself, not to do with how tough the IVF process could be for a woman.
‘It’s not an easy option and there are no cast-iron guarantees,’ he said, ‘but it’s still an option for tubal infertility. One of the doctors I trained with had severe endometriosis which blocked her Fallopian tubes, and she had a baby through IVF last year.’
Was that hope he saw flickering in her eyes, just then?
‘And if that’s not a route you want to go down—because the treatment cycle is pretty gruelling and it isn’t for everyone—there’s fostering or adoption.’
She blinked, as if not expecting him to have reacted that way. ‘Michael wasn’t prepared to even consider that.’
Because Michael was a selfish toad. Not that it was Josh’s place to say so. ‘I’m not Michael,’ he said.
‘I know.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But I wanted you to know the situation upfront. So, if it’s a problem for you, you can walk away now and there’s no damage to either of us.’
Even though they’d only got close to each other over the last couple of days, Josh had the strongest feeling that walking away from her would definitely cause damage to both of them.
‘I like you,’ he said again, ‘and I think you might just like me back. And that’s what’s important here. Everything else is just details and we can work them out. Together.’
She looked at him as if she didn’t quite believe him.
‘If you want to work them out, that is,’ he said. ‘Your infertility doesn’t make any difference to the way I feel about you. I still want to start dating you properly. Get to know you.’
‘And it’s really that easy?’
‘It is for me.’ He paused. ‘Though, since you told me about your ex, I guess you need to know about mine.’
* * *
The woman who’d left him last Christmas Eve, pregnant with another man’s child.
Amy really couldn’t understand why on earth anyone would dump a man like Josh—a man who was kind and caring as well as easy on the eye. In the intense couple of days they’d spent together, she hadn’t found a deal-breaking flaw in him.
‘Kelly worked in advertising—so maybe if I’d gone to art college instead of med school we would’ve ended up working together.’ He shrugged. ‘But we met at a party, where we were both a friend of a friend. We fell for each other, moved in together a couple of weeks later and got married within three months.’
Alarm bells rang in the back of Amy’s head. Wasn’t this exactly what she and Josh were doing? Falling in love with each other a little too quickly and not thinking things through? A whirlwind romance had gone badly wrong for him before. Then again, her last two relationships had both lasted for a couple of years, so taking things slowly hadn’t exactly worked for her, either.
‘I assumed Kelly would want a family at some point in the future, the way I did, and she assumed that we were both ambitious and were going to put our careers first,’ he said. ‘We probably should have talked about that a lot more before we got married.’
He wanted a family.
Amy’s heart sank.
OK, he’d said to her that her infertility didn’t make a difference. But it did. As he’d said, IVF treatment could be gruelling and there were no guarantees that it would work. She’d looked into it, in the days when she’d still hoped that Michael might change his mind, and the chances of having a baby were roughly one in four. Odds which might not be good enough for Josh. Right now, they were looking after a baby together. What would happen in New Year, when life went back to normal? Would he realise then what a mistake he was making, trying to make a go of things with her?
‘Kelly was working really long hours on the promise of getting a promotion. Obviously I supported her,’ Josh continued, ‘but then she fell in love with one of her colleagues. She said they tried to fight the attraction; but, on one project they were working on together, they went to visit a client and it meant an overnight stay. They were in rooms next to each other in the hotel; they’d had dinner out with the client and too much wine; and one thing led to another. That’s when the affair started.’
Clearly Josh hadn’t had a clue about it. Amy reached over and squeezed his hand. ‘That’s hard.’
‘Yeah.’ He sighed. ‘She got the promotion, but she was still working crazy hours. I assumed it was because of the pressure of work in her new job, but it was actually because she was seeing the other guy.’ He gave her a wry smile. ‘Then she told me she was pregnant.’
‘And you thought it was yours?’
‘I knew it wasn’t,’ he said softly, ‘because we’d both been working mad hours and were too tired to do anything more than fall into bed and go straight to sleep when we got home at night. We hadn’t had sex for a couple of months, so there was no way the baby could possibly be mine. Though Kelly never lied to me about it. She told me it was his and she was sorry—she’d fallen in love with him and was leaving me.’ He looked away. ‘Funny, she ended up with the family she said she didn’t want, but maybe it was really that she just didn’t want to have a family with me. I wasn’t enough for her.’
How could Josh possibly not be enough for someone? Amy squeezed his hand again. ‘Josh, you didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault.’ She gave him an awkward smile. ‘I guess you can’t help who you fall in love with.’ Hadn’t she made that same mistake, falling for Mr Wrong?
‘And Kelly was fair about it. She didn’t try to heap the blame on me for the divorce.’
‘Even when the split’s amicable, it’s still tough,’ Amy said. ‘I’m sorry you got hurt like that.’
‘But?’ he asked, clearly sensing that she had doubts.
‘But,’ she said softly, ‘you said you wanted to have a family with Kelly. Even if we put IVF into the equation, there’s still a very strong chance I won’t be able to give you a family. So I’ll understand if you want us to stay just friends.’
He shook his head. ‘I want more than that from you, Amy. And in any relationship you have to make a compromise.’
‘But this is one hell of a compromise. It means giving up on your plans to have a family.’
‘Right now, it’s still early days between you and me, and we’re not making any promises to each other of happy ever after,’ he said. ‘But I really like you, Amy, and if it’s a choice of being with you and looking at alternatives for having a family, or not being with you, then I’m on the side of alternatives.’ He smiled at her. ‘And we’re not doing so badly with Hope. I’m beginning to think that her mum gave her exactly the right name, and also that you were right because the baby’s giving us the Christmas we both need. She’s brought us together and she’s giving us a chance to find happiness again—together.’
Amy thought about it. ‘Yes,’ she said.
‘So, you and me. No pressure. We’ll see where things take us.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Amy said. And it felt as if spring flowers had just pushed through the ground to brighten up the days after a long, long winter.
* * *
Just before lunch, Jane the social