I just had trouble sleeping, that’s all.” He yawned widely, but then opened his eyes wide as if to prove he was really awake. “It’s not a big deal. I’m fine.”
She wasn’t so sure. What on earth had kept him up all night? It wasn’t as if there was anything to worry about or to stress over.
Except being a father.
Her stomach tightened. That had to be it. Was he having second thoughts about asking her to stay with him? Was the stress going to eventually get to him, making him leave? Did Jadon really want a fully com
mitted relationship? Or was he already backing off?
She needed to stop imagining the worst.
“Have you seen the babies yet today?” he asked, changing the subject.
“Yes. I tried to nurse again this morning, but they didn’t do very well again. So I learned all about the breast pump.” She made a face.
“I thought it took a few days for your milk to come in?” he asked, as if having a detailed conversation about breast-feeding was perfectly natural.
Which didn’t give the impression he was having second thoughts.
“It does. But the colostrum that’s there before the milk comes in is very good for the babies, too, and my milk won’t come in unless I nurse.” Darn it, she could feel her cheeks getting warm again. Why was she embarrassed? Their tentative relationship seemed to be going well; there was no reason for her to overreact like this.
“And they’re still breathing fine on their own?”
She nodded. “Yes, even Gretchen, although she seems to be having more of that apneic breathing that they’re so concerned about. Grace has it, too, but I guess Gretchen’s percentages are a little higher.”
“Hmm. Something to ask Louis about, I guess. Do you mind if we go down to see them again?” Jadon asked. “Or if you’re too tired, I can go myself.”
“I’m not too tired,” she assured him, getting up out of bed. She was moving much better today and, as Kim had promised, was hardly sore at all. She’d spent over two hours in the level-three nursery that morning, but she didn’t mind going again.
Soon the babies would be her responsibility, fulltime. Jadon would help, but she’d still better get used to it.
“Do you realize the girls are now a little more than twenty-four hours old?” Jadon announced as they made their way down the hall.
She had to smile. “Yes, I know. I was there, too, remember?”
“It’s just so amazing.” He took her hand again and she reveled in the closeness as they made their way through to the nursery.
This time she took Grace and Jadon took Gretchen. Although Gretchen was very sleepy, they traded off after a while.
Louis Downer came in to make rounds while they were there. “Hi, Jadon. Alyssa, how are you feeling today?”
“I’m fine, although I’m a little worried about how the girls still aren’t suckling very much,” she admitted.
“I know. But we’ll give them tube feedings so they’ll still grow fine.” He glanced at the babies they held in their respective grasps. “Which one is Gretchen?”
“I have Gretchen,” Alyssa said. “Why?”
“I’d like to examine her first. Her chest X-ray didn’t look as good as I would have liked this morning.”
Alarmed, she glanced at Jadon as she handed the infant to the neonatologist. “Do you think she’s sick?”
“Just something to keep an eye on,” he assured her, as he took the tiny twin. He gently set her back in her isolette, and then unwrapped the blanket from around her chest so he could listen. After he’d removed the stethoscope from his ears, he picked up her clipboard and reviewed her vital signs.
Alyssa craned her neck, so she could see, too.
“Well?” Jadon asked, when Louis set the clipboard aside and turned back toward them.
“She’s started to run a slight fever,” Louis admitted. “I’m going to treat her with IV antibiotics because I suspect she’s showing early signs of pneumonia.”
JADON wanted to reassure Alyssa that Gretchen would be all right, but it was difficult to put aside his own fears. She was so tiny, it was hard to imagine how her immune system would fight off something as serious as pneumonia. And there was the additional concern about how well her premature kidneys would tolerate the antibiotics. Not to mention how she’d maintain her oxygenation levels with lungs full of infection.
There was no doubt the next twenty-four hours would be critical for Gretchen.
And there was nothing he could do to help her.
Alyssa refused to leave. Watching her keeping vigil over Gretchen was difficult. After several hours Jadon had had enough. “You need some rest,” he pointed out in a low tone. “And it’s close to dinnertime. Let’s go back to your room.”
“No. I want to stay here.” Alyssa had been staring at the monitor over Gretchen’s isolette for so long she was starting to look like a zombie. It was as if her emotions had completely shut down. He understood how she felt—he’d always done the same thing when faced with one of Jack’s crises, shutting away the pain so it couldn’t hurt. Still, he didn’t like the idea of Alyssa sitting by the girls’ isolettes all night long.
“Alyssa, look at me,” he demanded in a sharp tone, breaking through her zombie-like stare.
Reluctantly, she turned to meet his gaze, her eyes dull with resigned acceptance.
“Wearing yourself to the brink of exhaustion isn’t good for you or for Grace. We have two daughters, remember? You need to eat, to keep up your strength and your nutrition, as you’ve told me you want to continue to provide breast milk for them.”
Alyssa slowly nodded, as if agreeing with him. But she didn’t move to leave.
He intended to keep pushing, to do what was best no matter what it took. He reached down, grasped her hand and tugged her to her feet. “Let’s go. We need to head back to your room.”
For a heart-stopping moment Alyssa looked as if she might burst into tears, but she allowed herself to be drawn upright. “You’re right. I know you are. But I just can’t bear to leave her. What if something happens while we’re gone?”
He understood her angst because he felt it, too. He pulled her into his arms, enfolding her in a warm hug. “I know it’s difficult to leave, but she’ll be okay.”
Alyssa didn’t push him away as he half expected, but clung to him, burying her face against his chest, as if she couldn’t stand under her own power. He could feel the dampness of her tears soaking his shirt. He held her close for countless minutes as he silently offered his strength and support, drawing strength from her closeness as well.
It was much easier to face the hardship together.
Although hardships also had the power to drag people apart, too.
Finally she drew a ragged breath and lifted her head. “Do you think Carla will call us if anything changes?”
He lifted his hands to cradle her face, using his thumbs to wipe away her tears. “Yes, I know she will. But I honestly think Gretchen is going to be fine. Louis Downer is a good doctor. Our daughter is getting the best care available. Besides, Gretch is a fighter. She’ll be fine, you’ll see.”
“She barely weighs three pounds,” Alyssa murmured, swinging around to stare down at Gretchen lying in her isolette.