truly do.’
Will you sing a Christmas carol?’ Ella whispered.
Ella’s favourite was Silent Night, so Nicola started to sing it. One by one, the other adults joined in. Before the first verse was over, Cade rose to put Holly down. By the end of the song, Keith and Dee had taken a twin apiece and Cade returned to carefully lift Ella from Nicola’s arms.
‘I’ll be fine,’ he murmured when she made to rise too.
She couldn’t read his eyes, but she subsided into her seat, sensing he wanted to be alone with his daughter, to stare down at her while she slept and to give thanks for her.
Harry pushed out of her chair. ‘I’m off to bed.’
‘Nicola—’ Verity rose ‘—I suspect we’ve seen the last of Dee and Keith for the night.’
Nicola grinned. The couple’s evident delight at seeing each other after ten days apart had been all too plain.
‘I also suspect that it will be a big day tomorrow.’
‘I expect you’re right on both counts.’
‘So I’m going to retire early.’
‘Sleep well.’
Verity turned in the doorway. ‘I’m glad you’re spending Christmas with us this year.’
She couldn’t mistake the older woman’s sincerity, and she had to swallow down an unexpected lump. ‘Thank you. I’m glad too.’
When Cade returned, he glanced around and blinked.
She laughed. ‘It seems the consensus was for turning in early.’
He collapsed on the sofa beside her. ‘Fair enough.’
She stared at him for a moment. ‘You okay?’
‘Sure, I...’
‘Ella’s question about her mum was a humdinger. It seemed to hit you all for six.’
He shook his head. ‘It took me off guard. God knows why. I should’ve expected it, I suppose, but she stopped asking about Fran months ago.’
It took an effort of will not to reach out and touch him. Every atom of her being begged her to, her mouth drying at the memory of the lean hard feel of him. Her fingers curled, her blood quickened, her lips parted to drag in a ragged breath.
He turned, his eyes flashing. ‘Why the hell couldn’t you just lie to her?’ His hands clenched. ‘Why couldn’t you have left her with a tiny shard of hope?’
She flinched at his vehemence...and the direction her thoughts had taken. Her heart pounded against her ribcage. She dragged in a breath and tried to gather her wits. ‘Do you...do you think there is any hope?’ Had she read that wrong? A heavy weight settled in the pit of Nicola’s stomach. Would Fran come back and claim her family?
‘No!’ He stabbed a finger at her. ‘But that’s not the point. Ella is just a child, a little girl. It was cruel to...’
Maybe it was his own hope Cade was trying to keep alive, not Ella’s. A chill travelled up her backbone. Her chest throbbed. She couldn’t speak.
His eyes blazed. ‘You could have invented something, fibbed a little. She would’ve forgotten all about it tomorrow in the Christmas excitement.’
Her chin shot up. ‘I will not lie to your daughter—not today, not tomorrow, not ever! I know what it’s like to ache for something on Christmas Day. It’s a day of miracles, right?’ Her hands fisted. ‘And I remember the crushing disappointment that came at day’s end when I realised my wish wasn’t going to come true. I will not put Ella through that. That would be cruel.’
His mouth opened and closed, and then he sank back against the sofa cushions and he dragged a hand down his face, swore softly. Neither of them spoke for a while. The Christmas tree twinkled benignly in the corner. ‘What did you hope for?’ he finally asked.
She’d expected him to continue arguing with her. His unexpected question took her back to a time of vulnerability and disappointment. It took her a moment before she could speak. ‘Usually I just hoped that the spirit of the day would infect my parents and that they’d unbend enough to...to play with me.’
He stared and she found herself continuing. ‘I didn’t lack for presents; it was just...I was always told that I was luckier than most little girls and to go play on my own.’ She shrugged. ‘One year I wished with all my might for a rowdy Christmas dinner with lots of crackers to pop and the reading out of corny jokes followed by the singing of Christmas carols.’
That hadn’t happened either.
She sensed the exact moment the fight left Cade’s body. She bit back a sigh. ‘Look, I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me. It’s just that, as a child, I knew what it was like to hope for the impossible and not get it—to not even realise it was impossible in the first place. Telling Ella that her mother might show up is only setting her up for unnecessary heartbreak because, believe me, come tomorrow she won’t have forgotten. She’d spend the day waiting for it to happen, waiting for her mother to walk through the door. Now, hopefully, she can focus on all the other good bits of the day instead. She might get a bit sad about her mum, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that, Cade. No matter how much you might want to. Besides, Ella is entitled to her sadness on that count.’
He blinked as if he hadn’t considered that before. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then dragged a hand down his face. ‘I’m still not sure I agree with the way you handled it, but I appreciate you telling me the reason why.’
At least his anger had abated, if not his worry. She pulled in a breath. ‘I think if we lie to Ella we’re betraying her trust. I think if we fib to her—even with good intentions—it will lessen her faith in us.’
His jaw dropped open.
‘I think fibbing to her will do more harm than good. Her faith in you, Cade, is the biggest gift you can give her. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to do anything that might damage that.’
‘Hell, no!’ He swallowed. ‘I hadn’t considered it from that angle.’
He didn’t say anything for several long moments, but she sensed that beneath the silence his mind raced. He suddenly muttered an oath and swung to face her more fully. ‘I wanted to protect Ella from more pain, but lying to her would be unforgivable. You’re right. My word should be something she can trust and always rely on—not something to doubt and question.’
Nicola let out a breath.
‘I’m sorry I rounded on you. You saw it all much clearer than I did.’
Her heart unclenched a fraction, and then it clenched up tighter than before. She gripped her hands together. ‘Are you sure it’s not your own hope you’re trying to keep alive rather than Ella’s?’
His head came up. ‘Why the hell would I want to do that?’
‘Because if Fran did show up, maybe it’d mean you weren’t a failure. And that, in turn, would help ease your guilt.’
And maybe because you still love her? But she left that unsaid. She didn’t have the heart for it.
‘The thing is,’ she continued, ‘the breakdown of your marriage doesn’t make you a failure. You did everything you could to save it. As far as I can see, you have absolutely nothing to be guilty about.’
He stared at her as if he didn’t know what to say and it suddenly hit her that it was Christmas Eve and he’d specifically asked her for Christmas spirit and cheer. She made herself smile. ‘You’re a wonderful father, Cade.’ She tapped her watch. ‘And look, it’s almost Christmas. All you can do is focus on having a lovely day tomorrow and making it special and exciting for Ella and Holly.’ She nudged him with her shoulder. ‘Christmas spirit, remember?’