as he zipped them up.
But his eyes were serious as he tilted her chin with his hand, capturing her gaze so that she could look nowhere but at him.
‘You’re very good,’ he said.
She licked her lips and she could still taste him. ‘I was taught by the best.’
His gaze followed the movement of her tongue as predictably as a cat watching a piece of dangling string. ‘As an example of how well you’ve learned, you certainly couldn’t have bettered that little demonstration.’
She wanted to say that it hadn’t been a demonstration—but how else would she describe it? Lust, certainly. But not just lust. Lust alone didn’t make your heart pound with a power which made you feel dizzy. Nor did it make you want to touch your lover’s face with a tenderness which might just give away how much you really cared. How much you really loved. Still. Even now.
But none of it mattered. Time was running out. After the christening she would be free to go, because that was what Xenon had told her would happen and he never reneged on a deal.
She managed a smile—a bright beam of a thing which went no further than her lips. ‘I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’ll be something to remember me by when I’m gone. And while we’re on the subject—I’d like to get away as soon as possible tomorrow. I’m happy to go back on a commercial flight if that would be less hassle.’
There was a pause. He seemed to be picking out his words with particular care. ‘And what if I said I didn’t want you to go?’
Lexi wrinkled her nose. ‘But we can’t stay here.’
‘I’m not proposing we do. But we can go back to London, can’t we? We can even go to your place in Devon if that’s what you want.’
‘Together?’
‘Why not?’
For a moment, Lexi got a bizarre image of what it might be like with Xenon trying to blend into village life. She pictured him standing in a queue in the little corner shop while he waited to buy a loaf of bread. Playing darts in the local pub. Confused now, she stared at him. ‘I don’t know what you’re suggesting.’
‘I want to make it with you, Lex,’ he said simply. ‘I want to give our marriage another chance.’
‘But we’ve already talked about it. We’ve said everything there is to say.’ Her words sounded miraculously strong but she could see from the look on his face that he wasn’t really listening to them. And maybe this was inevitable. Maybe she needed to expose the one last, weak link which would sever their relationship for ever.
‘No,’ he said and his face was filled with a dark determination which made Lexi’s heart begin to sink. ‘We haven’t talked about how we might heal the past. I saw your face when you held Ianthe yesterday. I saw the sadness in your eyes and I understood what you were feeling. But it doesn’t have to be this way, Lex. We can start again. We can have another baby—’
‘No!’ The word came out more violently than she had intended. She could see that its vehemence shocked him—it even shocked her. ‘I can’t have another baby, Xenon. Don’t you understand? That’s why this marriage could never work then—or now. Because I can’t give you the baby you’ve always wanted.’
THERE WAS COMPLETE silence as Xenon stared at Lexi with incomprehension in his dark eyes.
‘What are you talking about?’
‘The baby was...was...’ Her voice began to wobble. What words could she possibly use that wouldn’t insult the memory of that little scrap? ‘They did...tests. They said that he had a genetic abnormality. Something was wrong with his chromosomes and that was why it had happened. That his condition was not...’ She sucked in a shuddering breath as the corrosive truth came out in a bitter rush. ‘Was not compatible with life.’
There was a long, disbelieving pause while he looked at her as if he’d never really seen her before. ‘And why didn’t you tell me this at the time?’ he demanded. ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me, Lex? A secret as big as this and yet you kept it from me?’
Pain ripped through her. And guilt. So much guilt. ‘Because you weren’t there to tell!’ She shook her head. ‘Oh, I’m not blaming you for the fact that a volcanic ash cloud brought the global aviation system grinding to a halt—even you couldn’t overcome that. But I was having difficulty getting my own head around what the doctors had told me and when you got back you were so...distant.’
‘Because I didn’t know what to say,’ he gritted out.
‘I know that!’ Her voice was wobbling now. Didn’t he see? Didn’t he understand that there was a reason she had spared him the bitter truth? ‘But I also knew you wanted another baby. And that’s the bottom line. Because I can’t give you that baby, Xenon.’
He was staring at her warily, as if he wasn’t quite sure what she might do next. ‘I still don’t understand where you’re going with this,’ he said.
‘Don’t you? It’s really very simple.’ She took a deep breath, which seemed to scorch its way right down into the base of her lungs. ‘The reason our baby died was my fault, okay? It was my fault. Do you understand now?’
He shook his head. ‘You can’t know that!’
‘Yes! Yes, I can!’ Lexi dug her nails into her palms, wishing that she could just close her lips and refuse to say any more because it was so painful. But she knew she could not let this go until he accepted the truth. Because she owed him that. He needed to understand that there was no magic wand to be waved to give him what he had always wanted. ‘The doctors told me that you can change a lot of things—but you can’t change your genetic make-up. And there’s something in me which makes it impossible to carry a baby to term. Don’t you hear what I’m saying, Xenon? That I’m damaged goods and I’ll never be able to guarantee you the son and heir you’ve always longed for.’
‘You’re not damaged,’ he ground out. ‘You’re whole and you’re beautiful—inside and out!’
He moved to hold her but she held up her hand to stop him. ‘No. I’m not. I wish I was, but I’m not.’ She backed away from him, wanting to put physical distance between them. Terrified that if she didn’t she would weaken and she loved him too much to short-change him for the rest of his life. ‘This is your let-out clause, Xenon, don’t you see? Don’t let some misplaced sense of loyalty or pride make you feel you’ve got to make it work with me. Don’t allow my physical shortcomings to crush your dreams. Go away and find another woman—the right kind of woman—and have a baby with her.’
His breathing was rapid and his eyes were glittering with a hectic blue fire but the words he bit out were strong and steady. ‘And what if I told you that I want you, anyway? That, contrary to what your ridiculously low self-esteem might tell you, I did not marry you because you were a “brood mare”? I married you because I loved you. I still do.’
‘Don’t.’ The word came out in a low moan of pain. ‘Please don’t make this even harder.’
‘I’ll make it as hard as it damned well needs to be. I’ll do whatever I have to do to make you see sense.’
‘I am being sensible,’ she said stubbornly.
‘No, you’re not. Listen to me, Lex. Yes, I wanted a baby with you—I can’t deny that. But maybe there’s still a chance we can. We can get a second opinion. We can have access to the best doctors in the world—’
‘No.’ And maybe the certainty in her voice made him realise that she was serious because suddenly he tensed. She hugged her arms around her bikini-clad body but beneath it she was still shivering. ‘Don’t you realise that this is something your money