loosed the old shame off him. Yes, he’d been browbeaten and yes, it had been his choice to allow it. But he’d had a good reason.
“Demitri said he slept with her,” Jaya said.
“He did.” He felt nothing making that admission because the act had become the mortar he used to thicken and heighten the walls he used to protect himself. From then on, he’d held everyone even more firmly at a distance, even his siblings. Why in hell would anyone want to be close to him? He was second best to his outgoing, funny younger brother. Everyone preferred Demitri, given the choice.
Except Jaya. Maybe the seeds of his deep admiration had been born in seeing her deflection of men who came onto her, especially the ones who took for granted they could impress with a grin and a flash of money. She had smiles for everyone, but she reserved her warmest for grandfathers with arthritis or little boys who got off the elevator on the wrong floor.
“Why would he do that? Just to prove he could or...?” She shook her head in bafflement. “To hurt you?”
He drew in a breath that burned. “It wasn’t just once for bragging rights. They had an affair. I don’t know who started it and God knows I won’t make excuses for him, but he was nineteen to her twenty-three. She happily drove to Manhattan and paraded herself through the lobby so all our staff could see them carrying on.”
And his father had berated him, like it was his fault when he’d been half a state away finishing exams. Such impossible expectations. He swore if Zephyr never aspired to anything more ambitious than flipping burgers in a fast food shack, he’d make sure the boy knew he was proud of him.
“What did she say when you broke it off?”
Here came the degradation, but it was losing its potency as they talked of this. For too many years, he’d let this make him feel weak. He been strong. Enduring. “I didn’t.”
“Didn’t break it off? But...Why not?”
The easy answer was, “I didn’t have to. Adara convinced our father the publicity was too damaging to go through with it. By then Gideon was on the scene. Her engagement let me off the hook.”
“You would have gone through with it?” She sounded appalled.
He was equally galled with himself, which is why he never revisited this ugly time, but he’d been a different man then. One who merely survived, not one who cared about thriving or his own happiness or anyone else beyond the one person who had always been there for him. Looking back, he barely recognized himself.
The turning point had been Bali, he saw now, and not because of Adara’s call—even though that had been a catalyst. No, he’d begun thawing toward his siblings after that, but he couldn’t have managed it if he hadn’t had that night with Jaya. She’d begun the melt in him with her kind acceptance of his weakness that night. He only recognized now that it was her influence because he’d changed so much since he’d seen her again.
Shaking himself out of the stunning realization, he tried to answer.
“All of my options were terrible. If I’d broken it off, my father would have done anything to hurt me, including going after my mother and Adara.” He’d make a different choice today. He was stronger. Because he had someone else in his corner.
Didn’t he? She was still struggling to understand why he’d kept this from her.
“But not Demitri,” she said. “I can see why you’re so loyal to Adara. She’s always had your back, but I don’t know how you tolerate your brother. Or is that your normal interaction with him? Are you two always hostile?” She nodded toward the door.
“No, we get along. The past is water under the bridge.” He forced himself to open hands that had clenched into fists as he recalled his anger when he’d come in to find Demitri with Jaya, her expression cross and distressed. “I wanted him to know there will never be any forgiveness where you’re concerned.” He leveled a stern glance at her. “You’ll tell me if he crosses any lines. I’m serious about this being a red one.”
“Because he did it once before.” She looked to her linked fingers.
“Because you have entrusted me to keep you safe. I’d die before I’d let you feel threatened by him or anyone.” He’d take on anyone for her, he realized. Not because he approved of violence, but because she was that precious to him.
“Theo.” Her head came up in alarm. “Don’t talk about dying.”
“Hey,” he deflected with a snort. “I hope it doesn’t come to anything drastic like that, but I bring so little to this relationship, Jaya.” The tiny flame in him that he barely acknowledged would never be enough for her. “At least let me give you this much.”
“That’s not true.” Tension distended her neck as she took his remark like a knife to the throat. Could she blame him for not bringing his heart to their marriage though, when his own had been so chronically kicked around? “You bring yourself. Stop thinking that’s not enough.”
The silence was so profound she couldn’t look up. Then, even from across the room, she heard his swallow.
“Is it?” he asked in a ragged voice. “Because you brought Zeph and he’s pretty damned incredible.”
“He is, isn’t he?” she said shamelessly. “But he’s half yours so—” She took a few faltering steps toward him, then hesitated, not sure if he was ready to close the distance. The things he’d shared had been hard for him. She’d had to pull the details like teeth and there wasn’t any anesthetic for things like this.
He met her halfway, his strong hands reaching out to take hers in a gentle grip. Her own clenched convulsively, grasping for something more than his steady strength, even though she knew she should be satisfied with that. It should be enough.
Pressing her trembling lips into a line, she searched his face.
He didn’t like it and looked away, obviously not comfortable with her need for reassurance. She dipped her head, suffering another wave of doubt that he’d ever open his heart to her.
“I’m sorry,” he said gruffly. “I should have told you myself, not left it so you’d find out like that. It was like what happened last night, when Gideon told Androu not to touch the light socket and that just made him more aware of them. I didn’t want to put the idea into your head.”
“That I could have an affair with Demitri? He floated that balloon years ago and I stabbed it with a pen.”
Theo snorted, thumbs stroking over her knuckles. “I don’t know why he has to behave like such an ass.”
“You and Adara hold your lives under tight control. If he turns things upside down he gains the upper hand.”
“Now how did you see that and I never have?” He leaned back to absorb that.
“You’ve spent so many years putting up shields, you can’t always see past them.”
He blinked in surprise, seeming disconcerted. “But you can.”
“Sometimes,” she said warily. “Does that bother you?”
He drew a deep breath. “It’s not comfortable.” His hands tightened on hers and he looked into her eyes, even though he winced as he did it, like it was a kind of torture to let her see inside him. “But...” He swallowed, then, “I trust you, Jaya. I know you’re not going to use anything I tell you to hurt me.”
His grip crushed her hands, but she didn’t think he was aware of it. She squeezed back, feeling they stood on a precipice that, if they took this leap of faith, they could land in new, rich, broad territory.
“I would never want to hurt you. Not ever,” she promised, then held her breath.
Bringing her hand to his mouth, he ran the knuckle of her ring finger along his lips. His breath clouded warmly against her skin as he spoke, making her