to seethe whenever he looked at her. Could she blame him?
The inebriated patient lay snoozing, oblivious to his surroundings.
The look in Beck’s eyes dared her to challenge him. He may have over a decade’s worth of questions for her, but she couldn’t allow him to become familiar with her again. There was too much at stake. She’d endured the pain alone for years and could think of no good reason to share it with him. He’d only hate her more.
“Call me Jan, please. And I’d appreciate it if you’d keep our past out of this place. No one needs to know about us.”
One brow rose slowly and he nodded, the hazel gaze muted by a cautious veil. “Still worried about your reputation, I see,” he said, before turning and leaving the room.
The patient snored and Jan wanted to scream. After thirteen years of hiding from her past, doing everything she could to respect her decision instead of loathing herself, it had finally caught up with her. Sheer reflex made her want to run into the night. But she’d prided herself in growing up and facing the toughest parts of her life head on. If spending the next month working with the father of her child—the baby she’d given up for adoption—was the price she would have to pay, she’d pay it. And at the end she’d try to do what she’d done for years—forget and move on.
* * *
Beck had seen men die before his eyes. He’d lived by his wits and survived close call after close call in battles across the globe. He’d defied his parents, who’d always thought he was too hard to handle, he’d proved his high-school principal wrong with his predictions of incarceration. Now Beck was one of the “good” guys. And where had it gotten him?
Hell, he’d given up the one person he’d ever loved for the sake of his quest for adventure. Breaking free of Atwater had meant that much to him. Nothing, he’d sworn, would hold him back from grabbing life by the tail and holding on for a wild ride. Except the “wild ride” had included pain and suffering and memories he wished to God he could get out of his head.
After all of that, how could the simple task of brushing up his medic skills throw him for such a loop?
Beck knew the reason. The task involved being near the one person who’d taught him the purest and most honest feeling he could ever hope to experience. Love. Of course, she’d been the one to rip that same feeling out of his chest and ruin it for the rest of his life. No other woman had ever gotten to know that vulnerable secret part of his soul since January Stewart. It had ruined more than his share of otherwise satisfying relationships, too.
January had ripped away any chance of trusting a woman that much again when she’d refused to wait for him. When she’d coldly broken off their relationship over the phone, and only then after he’d tried to track her down through some friends. At first he’d thought she was paying him back for leaving her and joining the army, but her decision to break up with him had gone beyond stubborn resolve or hurt. He’d never been able to pinpoint what the missing piece of the puzzle was, but in his gut he knew there was something more to their break-up. He’d given up guessing what long ago.
Beck shook his head. The new version of his first love stood right inside the Mercy Hospital emergency ward and the thought made his blood boil. She’d screwed him up beyond all recognition when she’d dumped him. He’d spent three months dreaming about her in bootcamp. Sometimes the hell he’d had to endure in training had only been bearable because of her face smiling at him in his mind. Her soft lips had teased him, “Don’t be a wuss. You can do it.” The flood of memories that her presence had released just now in the exam room was almost more than he could bear. Good thing he had been wearing gloves when he held her wrists. He wasn’t sure how he’d have reacted if they’d been skin to skin.
He shook his head and smiled ruefully. He didn’t care that she still affected him. It didn’t matter that whatever it was that had once appealed to him hadn’t faded. Her allure had only grown stronger. He wouldn’t fall for it. Never again. He’d never forgive or trust her again.
A familiar phrase his drill sergeant had repeated over and over popped into his brain, “Don’t get mad. Get even.”
Hmm. Was revenge as sweet as everyone stacked it up to be?
Beck looked up from his thoughts in time to see Gavin Riordan approaching. “Hey, great job tonight.”
“Thanks.”
“So what happened with that car chase today?”
“It’s a long story,” Beck said, scratching the back of his neck.
“The shift’s over. Why don’t you let me buy you a drink and you can tell me about it?”
Gavin was bending over backwards to help Beck avoid losing time off the job by flying back to North Carolina for his medic update. How could he refuse his request? And after his recent encounter with January, he could definitely use a drink.
“Sure thing. Where’re we going?”
“The Emergency Room.”
Jan folded her OR gown and pushed it into the dirty clothes hamper. She sat on the bench and untied her shoelaces as Carmen entered the nurses’ locker room.
“Hey, Jan. After all this nonstop action tonight, I’m having a hard time unwinding. You want to get a drink with me?”
“Nah. I’m coming down with a cold.”
Carmen rarely asked Jan to do anything close to socializing. She felt kind of bad, refusing her.
“A hot toddy might be just what the doctor ordered. You know what I mean?” Carmen added.
Jan dragged in an indecisive breath.
Looking disappointed, Carmen said, “Well, if you change your mind, I’ll be in the Emergency Room.”
The Emergency Room was the after-hours hang out for many of the Mercy Hospital staff. She knew exactly where it was, though rarely went there.
Deciding that Carmen probably had something on her mind and needed a friendly ear, Jan reconsidered. The fact that she was dreading another night of tossing and turning with visions of Beck Braxton in her head helped change her mind.
“You know, a hot toddy might just be the ticket. Give me a second to change out of my scrubs and I’ll meet you.”
“Why don’t we drive over together?” Carmen shoved her arm into a black jacket. “I’ll drop you back at the parking lot on our way home.”
Jan shimmied out of her scrubs. “You’re on, but just one drink.”
“Sure, just like the doctor ordered,” Carmen said, as she left the locker room, leaving the door to flap behind her.
Similar to a real emergency room, the bar was busy and noisy, but that was where the similarities ended. Dark and fueled with a completely different kind of energy, the tables and booths were close to overflowing that Saturday night. The latest female American Idol winner belted out a song through the piped-in music. A heated game of darts went on in a corner called the “Surgical Ward” and the adjacent billiards room had a sign over the door, “Hospital Administration.”
Carmen pointed out an empty booth, grabbed January’s hand and led her to the back of the room. While passing the bar she ordered their drinks and showed the bartender where they were headed.
No sooner had they sat down than Gavin Riordan appeared.
“What’s he doing here?” Jan blurted.
“Beth took the twins to visit their grandmother in Florida. And his son’s away on a Scouting trip for the weekend. He must be lonely.”
Jan smiled at the newly domesticated head of ER. She would never have believed a quiet allergy nurse could have tamed her boss when she’d first started working at the Mercy Hospital ER two years ago. It only went to show that miracles could happen.
Carmen