I asked if I could have just one cuddle but I was told it was better that way. It wasn’t.’
‘Have you ever tried to look him up or make contact?’
‘Never,’ she said. ‘I’ve thought about it many times but I didn’t want to mess up his life if he didn’t know he was adopted. I was told that he had gone to a very good family and that I was to get on with my life. I came back to work and threw myself into my career, but I’ve thought about him every single day since.’
‘And his father?’
‘I had nothing to do with him after that,’ Macey said. ‘We worked alongside each other for a few years afterwards. I think at first he thought he could carry on with me as before but I soon put him right. I told him to concentrate on his marriage. I’m very ashamed that I had an affair with a married man.’
‘Try not to be ashamed,’ Steele suggested. ‘Perhaps it would be better to view that time with remorse but do your best to leave the shame out of it.
‘I know you must have felt very alone at the time but I can tell you from all my years doing this job that what happened to you happened to a lot of women from your generation.’
‘He was married, though.’
‘You weren’t the first and you certainly won’t be the last person to have an affair with a married man. My guess is you’ve more than paid the price.’
‘I have.’
‘Forgive yourself, then,’ Steele said. ‘Have you thought about discussing what happened with your nieces?’
‘Sometimes,’ Macey said. ‘I wake up some nights, imagining them finding out what happened after I’m gone and not being able to speak about it with me.’
‘Maybe consider speaking with them again,’ Steele suggested. ‘And if you want help telling them, or if you want me to do it for you, let me know.’ He watched as Macey frowned, though it wasn’t a dismissive frown. He could see that she was thinking about it. ‘And if you never want to discuss it again, then that’s fine too.’
‘I might think again about telling them …’ she said. ‘There’s just so much guilt. Sometimes when I’m enjoying myself I feel that I don’t deserve to.’
‘Let the guilt go, Macey,’ Steele said. ‘You are allowed to be happy.’
Candy sat at the nurses’ station, staring at Macey’s curtains, but, though usually she’d be curious, right now she wasn’t wondering what was going on behind closed curtains.
Steele’s throwaway comment about Macey thinking that Candy was pregnant had immediately been disregarded but now a small nagging voice was starting to make itself known.
She felt so tired.
Seriously tired.
There were many reasons that could account for that but the usually energetic Candy could barely walk past a bed without wanting to climb into it.
And she had felt sick a couple of times.
Actually, she’d had a bout of stomach flu a few weeks ago. Or she’d assumed it was stomach flu.
But she’d had her period, though it had been light, but she was sure that was because she had gone back on the Pill.
God, was it that fabulous bra that had given her such cleavage?
Stop it, Candy told herself.
Except she couldn’t stop it.
‘How is she?’ she asked, when Steele came out from behind Macey’s curtains.
‘She’s having a cry so keep them closed.’ He told her a little about it. ‘She doesn’t want her nieces to know at this stage but at least she seems to be thinking about telling them.’ He frowned at Candy’s distraction. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ she said.
She wasn’t, though.
Macey’s words had seriously unsettled her.
Candy did her best not to let them.
She headed for home and looked around her flat. She opened the fridge to sort out the milk and things but let out a moan when she saw that it had already been done.
Her parents had been around.
Candy looked at a letter on her kitchen bench and saw that it had been opened.
It was her bank statement.
And there were flashing lights on her answering machine that Candy knew would be messages from her parents—they were really the only people who called her on her landline.
Candy took a breath and called her mum. She sat for five minutes wondering why it had to be like this as her mum demanded to know where she’d been and what she’d been doing.
‘I’ve been really busy with work,’ she said, loathing that she had to lie and then deciding not to. ‘I’ve been doing a lot of extra shifts,’ she explained, and took a deep breath. ‘I’ve booked a holiday. It was a last-minute thing.’
‘Where?’
‘Hawaii. I go next Friday for two weeks.’ Candy closed her eyes and tried to answer in calm tones as the questions started.
‘I’m going by myself,’ Candy said. ‘I just felt that I needed to get away.’
No, she couldn’t afford it and as she was told that Candy thought of the first day she had met Steele, who had simply said, ‘Good for you.’
‘Mum,’ Candy interrupted. ‘I’m going on holiday, I want to go and I’m not going to argue about it with you.’
‘You listen—’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I love you very much, you know that I do, but I’m not going to run everything that I do by you.’
It hurt to have this discussion but she knew it was way overdue. She knew they loved and cared for her and that they expected to be involved in every facet of her life. It just wasn’t the way Candy wanted to live any more.
‘Ma, I’m not arguing,’ she said. She took a breath, wanting to tell them to please ring in the future before dropping around. She wanted to ask for the return of her keys but baby steps, Candy decided, so she dealt with that morning’s events. ‘Mum, I don’t want you opening my mail and I’ve told you over and over that I don’t want you coming around and letting yourself in when I’m not here.’
She meant it. So much so that when her mother pointed out she was just trying to help and, anyway, she’d need someone to take care of the flat while she was in Hawaii, Candy snapped in frustration. ‘It’s not a stately home that needs taking care of. It’s a one-bedroom flat!’
It didn’t go well.
Candy knew her requests would be, as always, simply ignored so after she put down the phone she did what she didn’t want to but felt she had to.
She made a trip to the hardware store, but not just for locks. She also bought a drill.
Then she had to go back to the hardware store a second time because after numerous attempts her shiny new drill wouldn’t screw in a nail but a very nice guy explained what a drill bit was for!
She loathed that she’d done it.
She loathed more than that that she’d had to, but she had realised that despite the move she hadn’t really left home. Her parents saw her flat as a bedroom with a slightly longer hall to walk down. Candy thought of Steele hiding in her room that night and knew that was the reason they stayed at his place.
No, Candy thought as she turned the new lock on her door and then headed for Steele’s, it was her life.
It was a long day for Steele.
A