Albert Einstein and Eleanor Roosevelt both suffered from fears of social situations. Further, Charles Darwin eventually became a virtual hermit because of his disabling agoraphobia (see Chapter 2). Robert Frost also battled anxiety.
Prince Harry went against royal tradition and admitted to having problems with mental health, including panic attacks. After losing his mother at the age of 12, he attempted to avoid suffering by failing to deal with stress and trauma in his life. Unfortunately, avoidance usually just makes anxiety worse, and it did for Prince Harry, until he sought professional help. Revealing his own struggles was a brave act, and he now works to encourage others to seek help for their emotional difficulties. Finally, a search on the internet shows you that hundreds of celebrities reputedly suffer from all kinds of severe problems with anxiety. Use a search engine and type in “famous people and anxiety.” You’ll be surprised by what you discover. But be aware that the internet is also full of foolish, incorrect information. So, view what you find with a critical eye.
Gavin’s story illustrates how reviewing the causes of your anxiety, followed by asking yourself those important questions, can help you acquire self-acceptance.
Gavin has developed panic disorder gradually over the past couple of years. His attacks of feeling breathless, nauseous, dizzy, and thinking he’s going crazy have increased recently. He feels shame that someone like him has this problem. When he starts having panic attacks at work, he seeks help. He tells his psychologist that a real man would never have this kind of problem. His psychologist helps Gavin to be more self-forgiving. He asks Gavin to write down the causes of his anxiety. He tells him to thoroughly review his life and come up with as many contributors to his anxiety as he can. Table 4-1 shows what Gavin comes up with.
By reviewing the causes of his anxiety and asking himself the questions listed earlier in this section, Gavin moves from self-abuse to self-acceptance. Now he’s ready to work on overcoming his anxiety.
TABLE 4-1 Gavin’s Anxiety Causes
| Possible Genetic Influences | Parenting | Events: Old and New |
|---|---|---|
| My Aunt Mary hardly ever leaves her house. Maybe she has something like I do. | Well, my father had quite an unpredictable temper. I never knew when he’d blow. | When I was 6, we had a terrible car accident, and I spent three days in the hospital. I was very scared. |
| My mother is very high-strung. | My mother’s moods bounced all over the place. I could never tell how she’d react when I asked her for something. | My middle school was in a terrible neighborhood. Gangs ruled. I had to look over my shoulder at every turn. |
| My cousin Margarite seems very shy. Maybe she has a lot of anxiety. | My first marriage ended when I caught my wife cheating. Even though I trust my new wife, I worry too much about her faithfulness. | |
| My brother worries all the time. He seems totally stressed. | Two years ago, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I worry a lot about my health. |
Having Second Thoughts about Change
Clearly, no one likes feeling anxious, tense, and nervous, and sometimes anxiety climbs to such heights that it overwhelms personal resources and the capacity to cope. Chronic, severe anxiety not infrequently serves as a prelude to serious depression. Obviously, anyone experiencing this torment would jump at the chance to do something about it.
With good intentions, people buy self-help books, attend workshops, and even seek therapy. They fully intend to make meaningful changes in their lives. But have you ever gone to a health club in January? It’s packed with new, enthusiastic members. By mid-March, health clubs return to normal. Like so many New Year’s resolutions, the initial burst of resolve too often fades. What happens to all that determination? Folks generally think they’ve simply lost their willpower. Actually, interfering thoughts creep into their minds and steal their motivation. They start to think that they don’t have the time or the money or that they can get in shape later. Such thoughts seduce them into abandoning their goals.
Thoughts about abandoning your quest to overcome anxiety may disrupt your efforts at some point. If so, the first step involves identifying the thoughts that are streaming through your mind. The next step is to fight off these counterproductive thoughts; we give you strategies for doing just that in the following section. But first, here are our top ten excuses for staying stuck:
Number 10: Anxiety isn’t really that big a problem for me. I thought it was when I bought this book, but my anxiety isn’t as bad as some of the people I’ve been reading about. Maybe it’s not that big a deal.
Number 9: If I try and fail, I’ll make a fool of myself. My friends and family would think I was stupid to even try.
Number 8: My anxiety feels too overwhelming to tackle. I just don’t know if I could handle the additional stress of even thinking about it.
Number 7: I’m afraid of trying and not getting anywhere. That would make me feel even worse than if I did nothing at all. I’d feel like a failure.
Number 6: Feelings can’t really be controlled. You’re just fooling yourself if you think otherwise. You feel the way you feel.
Number 5: I’ll do something about my anxiety when I feel the motivation. Right now, I don’t really feel like it. I’m sure the motivation will come; I just have to wait for it.
Number 4: Who would I be without my anxiety? That’s just who I am. I’m an anxious person; it’s just me.
Number 3: I don’t believe I can really change. After all, I’ve been this way my entire life. Books like this one don’t work anyway.
Number 2: I’m too busy to do anything about my anxiety. These activities look like they take time. I could never work it into my hectic schedule.
And the number 1 reason people stay stuck: I’m too anxious to do anything about my anxiety. Whenever I think about confronting my anxiety, it makes me even more anxious. Why bother?
Look over our preceding list several times. Mull over each excuse and circle any that seem familiar or reasonable to you. Agreeing with any of these will hinder your progress. Now, we have some ways for you to challenge these excuses, no matter how reasonable they may seem.
Deciding to Get the Show on the Road
If any of our top ten excuses for staying stuck (see the preceding section) resonate with you, then your decision to overcome anxiety is not stable. Those thoughts can sabotage your best intentions. Don’t underestimate their power.
The next two sections show you a couple of strategies for helping you turn your intentions into actions.
Arguing with your arguments