alt="Tip"/> Consider starting a notebook or keeping a file for carrying out various exercises in this book. Whether you use a notebook, your phone, or another device, divide a page into two columns. Label the left column “Excuses” and the right column “Arguments Against My Excuses.” Under “Excuses” write each of the top ten excuses (see the earlier section “Having Second Thoughts about Change”) that apply to you. Then, as a way to come up with arguments against your excuses, ask yourself the following questions:
Does my excuse presume a catastrophe is coming?
Am I exaggerating the truth?
Can I find any evidence that would contradict my excuse?
Can I think of people to whom my excuse doesn’t apply? And if it doesn’t apply to them, why should it apply to me?
Am I trying to predict the future with negative thinking when no one can ever know the future?
Using those questions to guide your effort, jot down the best arguments you can for picking your excuses apart. The following example of Miguel shows how he attacked his most stubborn excuses for not changing.
Miguel suffers from anxiety and has resisted dealing with his problem for years. He lists his major excuses for not doing anything and uses the preceding questions to develop arguments against each of his excuses. Table 4-2 shows what he came up with for what he considered his most compelling excuses.
TABLE 4-2 Miguel’s Excuses versus Arguments Against His Excuses
| Excuse for Staying Stuck | Arguments Against My Excuse |
|---|---|
| If I try and fail, I’ll make a fool of myself. My friends and family would think I was stupid to even try. | What do I mean by “making a fool of myself?” A true fool wouldn’t even try. My family and friends would applaud any positive attempt I made, whether I succeed or not. |
| Feelings can’t really be controlled. You’re just fooling yourself if you think otherwise. You feel the way you feel. | Evidence tells me I’ve made other changes in my life. Many people go to therapy for some reason; surely it makes them feel better or there wouldn’t be a zillion therapists in the world. My best friend overcame his anxiety, so why can’t I? |
Miguel discovered that arguing against his excuses finally gave him the courage to start making changes. You can do the same. Spend some time looking at your excuses that cause you to delay or put off working on your anxiety. Realize that working on your anxiety will pay off over time.
Taking baby steps
If you find that the idea of dealing with your anxiety is just too much to handle, you may be struggling with excuse number 8 for staying stuck (see the earlier section “Having Second Thoughts about Change”): “My anxiety feels too overwhelming to tackle. I just don’t know if I could handle the additional stress of even thinking about it.” In this case, it may help if you start by putting one foot in front of the other — take baby steps.
Stop dwelling on the entire task. For example, if you thought about all the steps that you’ll take over the next five years, you’d be envisioning an incredible amount of walking. Hundreds, if not thousands, of miles await you. The mere thought of all those miles could stress you out.
You may, like many folks, wake up early in the morning on some days facing huge lists of things you need to do in the coming week. Ugh. A sense of defeat sets in, and you feel like staying in bed for the rest of the day. Dread replaces enthusiasm. If, instead, you clear your mind of the entire agenda and concentrate on only the first item on the list, your distress is likely to diminish, at least a little.
In order to take baby steps, it’s a good idea to write down your overall, endpoint goal. For example, perhaps you eventually hope to be able to give an hour-long speech in front of a crowd without being overcome with fear, or maybe you want to be able to master your fear of heights by taking a tramway to the top of a mountain.
Alaina has a social phobia. She can’t stand the idea of attending social functions. She feels that the moment that she walks into a group, all eyes focus on her, which sends her anxiety through the roof. She desperately wants to change. But the idea of attending large parties or company functions overwhelms her with terror. Look at Table 4-3 to see how Alaina broke the task down into baby steps.TABLE 4-3 Alaina’s Baby Steps to SuccessGoalsStep-by-Step Breakdown of ActionsUltimate goalGoing to a large party, staying the entire time, and talking with numerous people without fear.Intermediate goalGoing to a small party, staying a little while, and talking to a couple people although feeling a little scared.Small goalGoing to a work-related social hour, staying 30 minutes, and talking to at least one person in spite of some anxiety.First baby stepTexting a friend, asking her to go to lunch, and talking about her struggles, in spite of anxiety.
Alaina found that starting with texting a friend for advice over lunch helped get her moving. She repeated going to lunch and seeking advice with a few more of her friends. From there, she took the next step and went to a work social event for 30 minutes. She enjoyed herself so much that she continued going to events. After getting closer to friends and work colleagues, she found attending a large party easy.
PERSEVERING THROUGH THE PEAKS AND VALLEYS
Many psychologists have conducted extensive research on how people make important changes, such as quitting smoking, losing weight, and overcoming emotional difficulties. They found that change isn’t a straightforward process. It includes a number of stages:
Precontemplation: In this stage, people haven’t even given a thought to doing anything about their problem. They may deny having any difficulty at all. They’re unconcerned about possible negative effects anxiety may exert on their health or day-to-day ability to function well.
Contemplation: Here, people begin to think about tackling their problem. They have a glimmer of an idea that anxiety is getting in the way of their own happiness. But in this stage, it feels a little out of their reach to do anything about it.
Preparation: In the preparation stage, people develop a plan for change. They gather their resources and make resolutions. They may read books like this one, talk to friends about their problems, and possibly check out getting a referral to a mental health professional.
Action: