painful to you: they are positive torture to me, and the more so that I don't think I shall have the opportunity of even remonstrating with them.
As to the state of things in Africa, 11 my information is widely different from your letter. They say that nothing could be sounder or better organized. Added to that, there is Spain, an alienated Italy, a decline in the loyalty and the strength of the legions, total disorder in the city. 12 Where can I find any repose except in reading your letters? And they would certainly have been more frequent, had you had anything to say by which you thought that my distress might be relieved. But nevertheless I beg you not to omit writing to tell me whatever occurs; and, if you can't absolutely hate the men who have shewn themselves so cruelly hostile to me, 13 yet do rebuke them: not with the view of doing any good, but to make them feel that I am dear to you. I will write at greater length to you when you have answered my last. Good-bye.
19 January.
CDXXIV (A XI, II)
TO ATTICUS (AT ROME)
BRUNDISIUM, 8 MARCH
Worn out at length by the agony of my excessive sorrows, even if I had anything that I ought to say to you, I should not find it easy to write it; but as it is, I am still less able to do so because there is nothing worth the trouble of writing, especially as there is not even a gleam of hope of things being better. Accordingly, I no longer look forward to hearing even from you, though your letters always contain something that I like to hear. Therefore pray do go on writing, whenever you have a bearer at hand: though I have nothing to say in answer to your last, which nevertheless I received some time ago. For in the now long interval I can see that there has been a general change; that the right cause is strong; that I am being severely punished for my folly. 14 The thirty sestertia which I received from Gnaeus Sallustius are to be paid to Publius Sallustius. 15 Please see that they are paid without delay. I have written on that subject to Terentia. Even this sum is now almost used up: therefore concert measures with her to get me money to go on with. I shall perhaps be able to raise some even here, if I am assured that I shall have something to my credit at Rome. But until I knew that I did not venture to raise a farthing. You see my position all round: there is no sort of misfortune which I am not both enduring and expecting. For this state of things my grief is the heavier in proportion as my fault is the greater. He in Achaia 16 never ceases maligning me. Clearly your letter has done no good. Good-bye.
8 March.
CDXXV (A XI, 12)
TO ATTICUS (AT ROME)
BRUNDISIUM, 8 MARCH (EVENING)
Cephalio delivered me a letter from you in the evening of the 8th of March. Now on the morning of the same day I had already despatched the letter-carriers, to whom I had given a letter for you. However, after reading your letter I thought I must write something in answer, more especially as you shew that you are anxious as to what explanation I intend to offer Caesar of my journey at the time that I left Italy. I have no need of any new explanation. For I have repeatedly written to him, and have charged various people to tell him, that I was unable, much as I wished it, to stand out against people's talk; and much more to the same effect. For there is nothing I should less like than that be should think that in a matter of such importance I did not act on my independent judgment. 17 I afterwards received a letter from Cornelius Balbus the younger, saying that Caesar regarded my brother Quintus as having "sounded the signal" for my retreat—for that was his expression. I was not at the time aware of what Quintus had written about me to many; but he had spoken and acted to my face with great bitterness, in spite of which I yet wrote to Ceasar in these words: “I am no less anxious for my brother Quintus than for myself: but I do not venture in such a position as mine to recommend him to you. Yet this at least I will venture to ask of you—thus much I can do—I beg you not to think that he did anything to diminish the constancy of my service, or lessen my affection to you. Believe rather that he always advised our union; and was the companion, not the leader, of my journey. Wherefore in other matters pray give him all the credit that your own kindness and your mutual friendship demand. I earnestly and repeatedly entreat you not to let me stand in his light with you.”
Wherefore if I ever do meet Caesar—though I have no doubt of his being lenient to Quintus, and that he has already made his intention clear—I after all shall be consistent with myself. But, as far as I can see, my anxiety must be much more in regard to Africa, which, in fact, you say is growing daily stronger, though rather in a way to make one hope for conditions of peace than victory. Would to heaven it were so! But my view of the facts is far different, and I think that you yourself agree with me, but write in a different sense, not to deceive but to encourage me, especially now that Spain 18 is also joined to Africa. You advise me to write to Antony and the rest. If you think anything of the sort necessary, please do as you have often done : 19 for nothing occurs to me as needing to be written. You have been told that I am in better spirits—what can you think when you see added to my other causes of uneasiness these fine doings of my son-in-law. 20 However, don't cease doing what you can in that direction-namely,, writing to me, even if you have nothing to write about. For a letter from you always conveys something to me. I have accepted the inheritance of Galeo. I presume the form of acceptance was simple, as none has been sent me. 21
CDXXVI (A XI, 13)
TO ATTICUS (AT ROME)
BRUNDISIUM (APRIL)
I have not received anything by way of a letter as yet from Muraena's freedman. Publius Siser delivered the one which I am now answering. You mention a letter from the elder Servius; also you say that certain persons announce the arrival of Quintus in Syria—neither is true. You want to know how the several persons who have arrived here are or have been disposed towards me: I have not found any of them ill-disposed; but I know, of course, that you are alive to the importance of this fact to me. For myself, while the whole position is intolerably painful, nothing is more so than the fact that what I have always wished not to happen now appears the only thing for my security. 22 They say that the elder Publius Lentulus is at Rhodes, the younger at Alexandria, and it is certain that Gaius Cassius has left Rhodes for Alexandria. 23 Quintus writes to me to apologize in language much more irritating than when he was accusing me most violently. For he says that he understands from your letter that you disapprove of his having written to many persons with severity about me, and that therefore he is sorry for having hurt your feelings, but that he had done so on good grounds. Then he sets down—but in most indecent terms —the reasons for his having so acted. But neither at the present juncture, nor before, would he have betrayed his hatred for me, had he not seen that I was a ruined man. And oh that I had come nearer to you, even if I had made the journeys by night, as you suggested! As it is, I cannot conceive either where or when I am likely to see you.
As to my co-heirs to the property of Fufidius, there was no occasion for you to write to me: for their demand is in itself equitable, and whatever arrangement you had made I should have regarded as right and proper. As to the repurchase of the property at Frusino, you have for some time past been acquainted with my wishes. Although my affairs were then in a better position, and I was not expecting such a desperate situation, I am nevertheless in the same mind. Please see how it may be brought about. And I beg you to consider, to the best of your ability, whence I may raise the necessary funds. Such means as I had I transferred to Pompey at a time when it seemed a prudent thing to do. 24 At that time, therefore, I took up money from your steward as well as borrowing from other sources; the time when Quintus writes to complain that I never gave him a farthing—I who was never asked for it by him, or had myself set eyes on the money. But pray see what can be scraped together, and what advice you would give on all points. You know the ins and outs of it. Grief prevents my writing more. If there is anything you think ought to be written to anybody in my name, pray do as usual: and whenever you find anybody to whom you can intrust a letter for me, I beg you not to omit doing so. Good-bye.
CDXXVII (A XI, 14)