of War (arrogant and contemptuous) I’m the Egyptian Minister of War.
Reporter (encouraged) I’m sure you’ve only recently left Egypt, Sir. You must only have come here for a rest after enduring severe hardships and difficulties during the Sudanese campaign.
Minister (flustered) Yes, I was there. But that was two months before the conquest.
Reporter (astonished) How can that be? Can the Minister of War simply stop supervising the campaign when it’s at its height and slip away for a holiday abroad?
Minister There’s nothing wrong with the Minister doing that. He can supervise everything from abroad. After all, an army general directs operations from the rear.
Reporter That’s quite true, but it doesn’t stop him from directing operations and knowing what’s going on. Do you get news as quickly as he does then?
Minister (boastfully) You should realize that I have two deputies in the Ministry of War: the Minister of Finance and the Permanent Undersecretary of War. They both make a point of keeping me informed from San Stefano as soon as anything happens.
Reporter (seeking information) San Stefano? Is there a place of that name in the Sudan?
Minister (explaining) It’s not in the Sudan; it’s a spa in Alexandria. You know full well that time and distance mean absolutely nothing now that telegrams are available. One chess player can play with another in a different country. In fact war is itself the very foundation on which that particular game is based, so how can you have any doubts that I can get the news in the same way?
Reporter So tell me then, what’s today’s news?
Minister The weather’s fine; there’s a cool breeze and clear sky, and the sun is shining brightly.
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المكاتب (باسمًا) لكم الله معشر الشرقيين ما أقدركم على التقليد وما أسرعكم في محاكاة الغربيين فقد كنا نعتقد أنّ أمراءنا ووزراءنا انفردوا وحدهم بفن المراوغة والمحاولة للتخلص من مكاتبي الجرائد حين يتفننون في استكشاف الأخبار من مكامنها من صدورهم، فهل لك أيها الناظر أن أتنازل لك عن مهارتي في فن التحايل وأن تنزل لي عن دهائك في فن المحاولة والمراوغة فلا يضيع الوقت بيننا فإذا رضيت فأخبرني عن رأيك في التعايشي.
الناظر (متكهنًا) إذا ذهب التعايشي إلى كردفان، فإنه فان، وإن خلص إلى دارفور، فهو معفور، وإن عاد إلى أم درمان، فلا أمان، وإن رجع إلى الخرطوم وسم على الخرطوم .
المكاتب لم تزدني يا سيدي شيئا في أمر التعايشي عما كنت أعلمه ولا ألح عليك في كشف الخفي من أمره فإنّ لك الحق في كتمانه وربما كانت الإباحة به مما تحول دون القبض عليه فأنا أترك لك ذلك وأطلب منك أن تخبرني عن النبأ العظيم والحادث الكبير في توجه السردار إلى فشودة.
الناظر (مستهينًا) أمر السردار فيها بسيط فإنه يريد الرجوع إلى مصر ليتمتع بذلك الانتصار، ويستريح برهة من عناء تلك الأسفار.
المكاتب (متأسفًا) أراك لا تزال على محاولتك لي.
الناظر (معتذرًا) أقسم لك بكل يمين أن مثلي لا يمين، بعد الاتفاق على نبذ المحاولة والاختلاق.
المكاتب (مستنكرا) كيف تقول أنّ الأمر بسيط وهو نبأ عظيم وحادث كبير يهتم له وزراء السياسة عموما ويهم نظار مصر خصوصا وكيف تقول أنّ السردار يرجع من فشودة إلى مصر وهو إنما يتقدم إليها بعد فتح أم درمان ليتمم فتح السودان فإنها قريبة من منابع النيل.
الناظر (هازئا ضاحكا) أراك تخطئ فيما تقول والخطأ بيّن في عبارتك فإنّ فشودة ما دامت واقعة على منابع النيل فلا بد أن تكون واقعة عند الشلال حيث يبنى الخزان هناك.
Reporter (with a smile) Easterners are certainly quick to imitate Westerners, aren’t they? Talking about the weather! We used to think amirs and ministers were in a class of their own when it came to prevarication and ruses to get rid of newspaper reporters who were trying to get some information out of them. May I suggest, Minister, that I stop using tricks to get information from you and you in turn stop hedging; that way we won’t waste any more time. If you’re agreeable, would you mind telling me what you think about al-Taʿāyishī?
Minister (offering a prediction) If he goes to Kordofān, he’s a dead man; if he escapes to Darfūr, he’ll be obliterated for sure; if he comes back to Omdurman, he won’t find for protection any remand; and, if he goes back to Khartoum, then for that city it’s doom.8
Reporter So far you’ve not told me anything I didn’t know already. But I’m not going to press you to reveal any secrets; you have a right to keep them to yourself. Disclosing such information might prevent his being captured. I’ll leave that point and ask you about the most significant news of all; the fact that the Sirdar is heading for Fashōda.
Minister (derisively) The Sirdar’s actions can be easily explained. He wants to get back to Egypt to enjoy his triumph and is just resting for a while.
Reporter (sighing regretfully) I see you’re still dodging the question.
Minister (making excuses) I assure you, someone such as myself doesn’t tell lies after agreeing to talk frankly.
Reporter (exasperated) Then how can you say that things are so simple? It’s a matter of great importance, one that is preoccupying all the ministers of the European powers and especially those of Egypt! How can you say that the Sirdar is coming back to Egypt from Fashōda? He only went there after entering Omdurman in order to complete the conquest of the Sudan. It’s quite near the source of the Nile.
Minister (laughing scornfully) You’re obviously wrong. If Fashōda is really at the source of the Nile, then it must be at the cataract where the dam is being built.9
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