services, for everything; for everything I thank you. If, while I have had the honour to be managing director of this bank, if anything useful has been done, then I am indebted for it before all else to my colleagues. (Sighs.) Yes, my dear fellow, fifteen years! Fifteen years, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Briskly.) Well, what about my report? Is it coming along?
Hirin: Yes. There are about five pages left.
Shipuchin: Excellent. That means, it will be ready at three?
Hirin: If nobody disturbs me, it’ll be finished. There’s just rubbish left.
Shipuchin: Magnificent. Magnificent, or I’m not Shipuchin! The general meeting will be at four. Please, dear old chap; give me the first half, and I’ll study it. Give it me quick. (Takes the report.) I base gigantic hopes on this report. It’s my “profession de foi,” or, to put it better, my firework — my firework, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Sits down and reads the report to himself.) But I’m devilish tired. Last night I had an attack of gout, all the morning I’ve been busy with little affairs and running about, then these commotions and ovations and agitations — I’m tired.
Hirin: Two, nought, nought, three, nine, two, nought — It’s all green before my eyes with figures. Three, one, six, four, one, five. (Taps the machine.)
Shipuchin: And another bother — This morning your wife called on me and complained about you again. She said, last night you ran after her and your sister-in-law with a knife. What does that look like, Hirin? Come, come!
Hirin (roughly): I take the liberty, Mr. Shipuchin, on the occasion of the jubilee, to make a request to you. I beg you, if only out of consideration for my working like a nigger, not to interfere with my family life. Please don’t!
Shipuchin (sighs): You’ve got an impossible character, Hirin. You’re an excellent fellow and respectable, but when it comes to women you behave like Jack the Ripper. Really, I can’t understand why you dislike them so!
Hirin: And I can’t understand why you like them so. (Pause.)
Shipuchin: The employees have just presented me with an album and the managers, so I hear, want to present me with an address and a silver bowl. (Plays with his monocle.) Good, or I’m not Shipuchin! That’s not without its use. For the reputation of the bank, some pomp is necessary, damn it all. You’re a good fellow; after all, you know all about it. I wrote the address myself and bought the silver bowl as well. The binding for the address cost a lot, but it wouldn’t do without it. By themselves they wouldn’t have been good for anything. (Looks round.) What an establishment! What an establishment! They may say I am trivial, because I want the brass on the doors polished and the people on my staff to wear fashionable ties and a fat porter to stand at the door. Not at all, gentlemen. The brass on the doors and the fat porter are not trifles. At my own home I can be an ordinary person, eat and sleep like a pig, and drink and drink ——
Hirin: No allusions, if you please!
Shipuchin: Oh, nobody’s making allusions. What an impossible character you’ve got! This is what I’m saying — at home I can be an ordinary person, a parvenu, a slave to habits, but here everything must be “en grand!” This is the bank! Here every detail must, so to speak, be imposing and have a dignified appearance. (Picks up a piece of paper and throws it in the grate.) It is my particular pride that I have raised high the reputation of the bank. It’s a big thing, tone, a big thing, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Looks at Hirin.) My dear fellow, at any moment the deputation of the managers may arrive, and you’re in felt slippers, in that scarf, in that wild-coloured jacket; you might have put on a frock-coat, well, anyhow, a black coat ——
Hirin: My health is more to me than your bank-managers. My whole body’s inflamed.
Shipuchin (disturbed) : But agree with me that it’s untidy! You spoil the ensemble.
Hirin: When the deputation comes, I can hide — that’s not a great misfortune. (Writes.) Seven, one, seven, two, one, five, nought. I too don’t like untidiness. Seven, two, nine. (Taps the machine.) I can’t bear untidiness! You’d have done well to-day not to invite ladies to the jubilee dinner.
Shipuchin: What nonsense!
Hirin: I know you are letting them in to-day so as to be elegant. But, you see, they’ll spoil everything for you. From them comes all untidiness.
Shipuchin: On the contrary, women’s society elevates.
Hirin: Yes! Now, you’d call your wife an educated woman; and last Monday she said a thing that made me gasp for a couple of days. Suddenly she asked me before strangers, “Is it true that at our bank my husband bought those shares in the Drage-Prage bank which dropped on the Exchange? Oh, my husband is so uneasy!” And that before strangers! And why you’re so open with them, I can’t understand. Do you want them to lead you into the courts?
Shipuchin: All right, enough, enough. This is all too gloomy for a jubilee. But you do well to remind me. (Looks at his watch.) My wife should be here immediately. In the ordinary way I should have driven to the station to meet the poor girl, but there’s not time and — and I’m tired. To tell the truth, I’m not glad she’s coming. I’m glad, but it would have been better for me if she had stayed just another two days with her mother. She wants me to spend the whole evening with her to-day, and all the time there’s a little excursion arranged for after dinner. (Shudders.) That nervous shivering’s starting already. My nerves are so strained that I think the slightest little thing would start me crying. No, I must be strong; or I’m not Shipuchin! (Enter Tatiana Shipuchin, twenty-five years old, in a waterproof, carrying an expensive bag.)
Shipuchin: Bah! Talk of the devil!
Tatiana: Darling! (Runs to her husband. A long kiss.)
Shipuchin: Why, we were just talking about you. (Looks at his watch.)
Tatiana (breathlessly): Lonely? Quite well? I haven’t been home yet — came straight here from the station. I must tell you, lots and lots — I can’t keep it — I won’t take off my waterproof — I shall only be a minute. (To Hirin.) Good morning, Mr. Hirin. (To Shipuchin.) Everything all right at home?
Shipuchin: Everything. Why, you’ve grown stouter in the last week and prettier. Well, how did it go off?
Tatiana: Excellently. Mama and Kate send you their love. Basil sends you a kiss. (Kisses him.) Aunt sends you a pot of jam, and they’re all angry that you don’t write. Zena sends you a kiss. (Kisses him.) Oh, if you only knew what happened! What do you think? It’s all strange to me, even to tell it. What do you think happened? — But I can see from your eyes that you’re not glad to see me.
Shipuchin: Just the contrary, darling! (Kisses her. Hirin coughs angrily.)
Tatiana (sighs): Oh, poor Kate, poor Kate! I’m so sorry, so sorry for her!
Shipuchin: Darling, we have a jubilee to-day, and at any moment a deputation may come from the managers, and you’re not dressed.
Tatiana: Really, a jubilee! I congratulate you, gentlemen, I wish you — then there’ll be a meeting to-day and a dinner. I love that! Do you remember that fine address you wrote so long ago for the managers? Will they read it to you to-day? (Hirin coughs angrily.)
Shipuchin (confused): Darling, one doesn’t speak of that — Really, you’re going home, eh?
Tatiana: Immediately, immediately. I can tell you in an instant, and then go. I’ll tell you all about it, right from the beginning. Well, when you saw me off, I was sitting, you remember, side by side with that big woman. I began to read; I don’t like conversations in a railway-carriage. For three stations I read and didn’t speak to her or anybody. Well, evening came on and you know gloomy thoughts like that always disappear. Opposite me sat a young man, nothing particular to look at, not ugly, dark — Well, we commenced to talk. Then a sailor arrived and some student or other.