distressed. You have either tried everything you can think of to tame the abrasive manager’s aggressive behavior, to no avail, or you are too afraid to try anything, for fear of what could happen. This book is written for you.
You already know a few things about abrasive managers (or abrasive bosses, as I refer to them in this book) from your own experience. You know that they’re usually blind to their destructive impact on coworkers (‘‘they just don’t get it—they just don’t see’’), and if they do see, they don’t seem to care.
To have any hope of taming an abrasive boss, you need to know why these bosses do what they do and what you can (and can’t) do about it. With the help of this book, which is based on my years of research with abrasive bosses and their coworkers, you’ll learn how to make them see the damage they inflict and how to make them care enough to rein in their aggressive behavior. Now, let’s cut to the chase. . .
1 Abrasive Bosses and the Working Wounded
Abrasive bosses rub their coworkers the wrong way. Their words and actions create interpersonal friction that grates on subordinates, peers, and superiors, grinding away at trust and motivation. Abrasive bosses can inflict deep wounds and intense suffering in employees. The pain of working with an abrasive boss is often felt by the company as well, eroding effectiveness and paralyzing productivity. Few of us have escaped the pain of working under, over, or with an abrasive boss, and far too many of us have unwillingly entered the ranks of what I have come to call the working wounded.
I coach abrasive bosses of all kinds: executives, managers, supervisors, and professionals (physicians, attorneys, others) whose disruptive behaviors cause profound emotional distress in the people they work with. Over the past two decades I have had the opportunity to closely observe how and why these abrasive bosses rub coworkers the wrong way. I’ve also examined the individual and organizational wounds they inflict, listening to the pain experienced by their subordinates, peers, and superiors and, believe it or not, by the abrasive bosses themselves. I’ve written this book to share my observations and offer my insights on why abrasive bosses resort to aggression, why individuals and organizations fail to intervene effectively, and, most important, what you can (and can’t) do about it. In medicine, abrasion refers to the physical trauma sustained when exposed skin rubs against a rough surface. In this book, workplace abrasion refers to the psychological trauma sustained when employees are exposed to the unnecessary roughness of an abrasive boss. Both scenarios produce suffering.
It Only Hurts When I Work
Suffering is a term rarely applied in the workplace. It’s one of those emotionally loaded (also referred to as touchy-feely) words that seem out of place at work. Aren’t we supposed to leave our emotions at the door so we can get on with business? Workplace suffering? Employers don’t want to hear about it because they don’t want to be perceived as perpetrators of suffering—they’re there to get the job done, and social services aren’t part of that picture. Second, it’s a given that we all were meant to suffer at work—right? Showing up day after day to plug away at tasks we don’t necessarily enjoy with people we don’t necessarily like is a pain, a pain that most of us can’t afford to avoid. What lottery winner doesn’t jubilantly declare that his or her first act will be to quit work? Unless we are lucky enough to love what we do and the people we do it with, we endure the assorted discomforts of work to pay the bills and keep the wolves from the door. So since when isn’t work supposed to be painful?
Work can be painful for other reasons, including the actual nature of the work. Early man learned early on that woolly mammoth hunts were no picnic if you were the one who ended up trampled or impaled. And it seems pretty obvious that pyramid building was no easy task for your average Aztec or Egyptian laborer. As a kid I remember teachers warning us of the physical and mental suffering we would endure digging ditches or screwing caps on toothpaste tubes if we failed to hit the books. It’s not only the nature of the work that can be unpleasant or uninteresting, causing physical or emotional suffering—work can also hurt because of the circumstances surrounding our jobs: weak wages, bleak benefits, bad schedules, or looming layoffs. In short, work can be a pain.
But the pain of work itself is not the pain I’m addressing in this book. Nor am I talking about the pain caused by bosses who cut programs, pay, or people based on business need. I’m talking about the pain suffered from direct contact with an abrasive boss; the emotional wounds sustained from direct interpersonal aggression experienced in day-to-day interactions with abrasive bosses. And the suffering isn’t limited to abrasive bosses’ subordinates: all of their coworkers—subordinates, peers, and superiors alike—can be rubbed raw by the grinding force of disrespectful treatment:
‘‘He’s always talking down to people, interrogating them—‘Why didn’t you do this? Why didn’t you do that?’—he makes people feel like idiots.’’
‘‘Everyone feels helpless, hopeless, out of control.’’
‘‘She does what’s best for her—she doesn’t stand up for us, ever. If she’s questioned by management, she comes back and attacks without exploring the issue.’’
‘‘It leaves us feeling so unimportant—like we’re not worth anything.’’
‘‘We’re all afraid of him; he walks around, sees something that sets him off and starts yelling. It gets so tense—to the point where no one wants to even talk. It’s getting harder to come to work.’’
‘‘The best days at work are the days she isn’t here—that’s when we can breathe.’’
‘‘Working here reminds me of the time I was in an abusive relationship. I find myself thinking ‘What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? What can I do differently?’ I’ve never had that experience in my work life until this new manager showed up.’’
‘‘I used to enjoy coming to work, but since she’s been here, all I can think about is finding a way to get out.’’
‘‘He’s not a team player. It’s never ‘we’; it’s always ‘I want,’ ‘I said.’ ’’
‘‘When he shows up, we shut up. We don’t tell him any more than we have to because you don’t want to bring up anything that will provoke him.’’
‘‘Her behavior shouldn’t be tolerated. We shouldn’t have to constantly walk on eggshells.’’
‘‘People get a sick stomach when he walks through the department.’’
‘‘It all boils down to respect—when you feel your efforts are appreciated, when you see some interest in what you’re doing, that’s respect. I can’t deal with the contempt, the ugly mood swings, his refusal to treat his team with respect.’’
To Kick or Not to Kick
The suffering caused by abrasive bosses is not only injurious, it’s also inefficient. Typically, at the outset of coaching, my abrasive clients will argue this point, insisting that unless they ‘‘kick ass,’’ the work won’t get done. In his landmark article ‘‘One More Time: How Do You Motivate Employees?’’ renowned management researcher Frederick Herzberg (1968) termed this the KITA (kick-in-the-you-know-what) approach to management. However, the KITA approach presents certain drawbacks. Herzberg listed the limitations of physically kicking one’s coworkers:
(1) it is inelegant; (2) it contradicts the precious image of benevolence that most organizations cherish; and (3) since it is a physical attack, it directly stimulates the autonomic nervous system, and this often results in negative feedback—the employee may just kick you in return [p. 54].
Physical KITA and psychological KITA appear to be equally