The Tales of Uncle Remus / Сказки дядюшки Римуса. Книга для чтения на английском языке
having rabbit for dinner this night!”
Brer Rabbit would’ve turned around and looked at him if he could’ve unstuck his head. Didn’t matter. He heard the drool in Brer Fox’s voice and knew he was in a world of trouble[29].
“You ain’t gon’ be going around through the community raising commotion anymore, Brer Rabbit. And it’s your own fault too. Didn’t nobody tell you to be so friendly with the Tar Baby. You stuck yourself on that Tar Baby without so much as an invitation. There you are and there you’ll be until I get my fire started and my barbecue sauce ready.”
Brer Rabbit always got enough lip for anybody and everybody[30]. He even told God once what He’d done wrong on the third day of Creation. This time, though, Brer Rabbit talked mighty humble. “Well, Brer Fox. No doubt about it. You got me and no point my saying that I would improve my ways[31] if you spared me.”
“No point at all,” Brer Fox agreed as he started gathering kindling for the fire.
“I guess I’m going to be barbecue this day.” Brer Rabbit sighed. “But getting barbecued is a whole lot better than getting thrown in the briar patch.” He sighed again. “No doubt about it. Getting barbecued is almost a blessing compared to being thrown in that briar patch on the other side of the road. If you got to go, go in a barbecue sauce. That’s what I always say. How much lemon juice and brown sugar you put in yours?”
When Brer Fox heard this, he had to do some more thinking, because he wanted the worst death possible for that rabbit. “Now that I thinks on it, it’s too hot to be standing over a hot fire. I think I’ll hang you.”
Brer Rabbit shuddered. “Hanging is a terrible way to die! Just terrible! But I thank you for being so considerate. Hanging is better than being thrown in the briar patch.”
Brer Fox thought that over a minute. “Come to think of it, I can’t hang you, ’cause I didn’t bring my rope. I’ll drown you in the creek over yonder.”
Brer Rabbit sniffed like he was about to cry. “No, no, Brer Fox. You know I can’t stand water, but I guess drowning, awful as it is, is better than the briar patch.”
“I got it!” Brer Fox exclaimed. “I don’t feel like dragging you all the way down to the creek. I got my knife right here. I’m going to skin you!” He pulled out his knife.
Brer Rabbit’s ears shivered. “That’s all right, Brer Fox. It’ll hurt something awful, but go ahead and skin me. Scratch out my eyeballs! Tear out my ears by the roots! Cut off my legs! Do whatnsoever[32] you want to with me, Brer Fox, but please, please, please! Don’t throw me in that briar patch!”
Brer Fox was convinced now that the worst thing he could do to Brer Rabbit was the very thing Brer Rabbit didn’t want him to do. He snatched him off the Tar Baby and wound up his arm like he was trying to throw a fastball past Hank Aaron[33] and chunked that rabbit across the road and smack dab in the middle of the briar patch.
Brer Fox waited. Didn’t hear a thing. He waited a little longer. Still no sound. And just about the time he decided he was rid of Brer Rabbit, just about the time a big grin started to spread across his face, he heard a little giggle.
“Tee-hee! Tee-hee!” And the giggles broke into the loudest laughing you’ve ever heard.
Brer Fox looked up to see Brer Rabbit sitting on top of the hill on the other side of the briar patch.
Brer Rabbit waved. “I was born and raised in the briar patch, Brer Fox! Born and raised in the briar patch!” And he hopped on over the hill and out of sight.
Brer Rabbit Gets Even
About a week later Brer Rabbit decided to visit with Miz Meadows and the girls. Don’t come asking me who Miz Meadows and her girls were. I don’t know, but then again, ain’t no reason I got to know. Miz Meadows and the girls were in the tale when it was handed to me, and they gon’ be in it when I hand it to you. And that’s the way the rain falls on that one.
Brer Rabbit was sitting on the porch with Miz Meadows and the girls, and Miz Meadows said that Brer Fox was going through the community telling how he’d tricked Brer Rabbit with the Tar Baby. Miz Meadows and the girls thought that was about the funniest thing they’d ever heard and they just laughed and laughed.
Brer Rabbit was as cool as Joshua when he blew on the trumpet ’round the walls of Jericho. Just rocked in the rocking chair as if the girls were admiring his good looks.
When they got done with their giggling[34], he looked at them and winked his eye real slow. “Ladies, Brer Fox was my daddy’s riding horse for thirty years. Might’ve been thirty-five or forty, but thirty, for sure.” He got up, tipped his hat, said, “Good day, ladies,” and walked on off up the road like he was the Easter Parade.
Next day Brer Fox came by to see Miz Meadows and the girls. No sooner had he tipped his hat than they told him what Brer Rabbit had said. Brer Fox got so hot[35] it was all he could do to keep from biting through his tongue.
“Ladies, I’m going to make Brer Rabbit eat his words and spit’em out where you can see’em!”
Brer Fox took off down the road, through the woods, down the valley, up the hill, down the hill, round the bend, through the creek, and past the shopping mall, until he came to Brer Rabbit’s house.
(Wasn’t no shopping mall there. I just put that in to see if you was listening.)
Brer Rabbit saw him coming. He ran in the house and shut the door tight as midnight. Brer Fox knocked on the door. BAM! BAM! BAM! No answer. BAM! BAM! BAM! Still no answer. BLAMMITY BLAM BLAM BLAM!
From inside came this weak voice. “Is that you, Brer Fox? If it is, please run and get the doctor. I ate some parsley this morning, and it ain’t setting too well on my stomach. Please, Brer Fox. Run and get the doctor.”
“I’m sho’ sorry to hear that, Brer Rabbit. Miz Meadows asked me to come tell you that she and the girls are having a party today. They said it wouldn’t be a party worth a dead leaf[36] if you weren’t there. They sent me to come get you.”
Brer Rabbit allowed as to how he was too sick, and Brer Fox said he couldn’t be too sick to go partying. (God knows, that’s the truth! I ain’t never been too sick to party. Even when I’m dead, I’ll get up out of the grave to party. And when I get sick, the blues are the best doctor God put on earth. The blues can cure athlete’s foot, hangnail, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.)
Well, Brer Rabbit and Brer Fox got to arguing back and forth and forth and back about whether he was too sick to come to the party. Finally, Brer Rabbit said, “Well, all right, Brer Fox. I don’t want to hurt nobody’s feelings by not coming to the party, but I can’t walk.”
Brer Fox said, “That’s all right. I’ll carry you in my arms.”
“I’m afraid you’ll drop me.”
“I wouldn’t do a thing like that, Brer Rabbit. I’m stronger than bad breath.”
“I wouldn’t argue with you there, but I’m still afraid. I’ll go if you carry me on your back.”
“Well, all right,” Brer Fox said reluctantly.
“But I can’t ride without a saddle.”
“I’ll get the saddle.”
“But I can’t get in the saddle without a bridle.”
Brer Fox was getting a little tired of this, but he agreed to get a bridle.
“And I can’t keep my balance unless you got some blinders on. How I know you won’t try to throw me off?”
That’s