bottle as a constant pacifier is certainly not healthy or appropriate. The good news is, you don’t have to worry about over-breast-feeding, because the caloric content of breast milk self-adjusts to frequent feeding; when baby has just a brief “comfort-feed”, she gets only the lower-calorie foremilk. Besides, frequent breast-feeders rarely remain overweight, even if for a while some look like miniature sumo wrestlers. Studies show that the fat cells laid down by breast-feeding babies are quite different from those of babies fed manufactured baby milk. The fat melts away once baby becomes mobile. So how often should you breast-feed your high-need baby? As frequently as baby needs, yet not to the extent that it wears you out. There are other ways to comfort high-need babies, and it’s important to learn some of these alternatives.
We’re in harmony with each other. I nurse an average of eighteen times a day. I know this sounds like a lot of nursing, but there is never a schedule to it. Either she lets me know or I just start it. It always works out. Nursing is never a hassle or bother. It’s just second nature to me. I don’t even think about it or worry about it. It seems like we are always in harmony. We just nurse whenever or wherever Lindsey or I start it.
first-class baby
A lot of this book was written in the peace and quiet of coast-to-coast flights during a year of frequent public speaking. On one flight, when I was fortunate to be upgraded to first class, I identified with a high-need baby who “has it made”. He gets a higher standard of care – he goes first class! The high-need baby gets held more because he protests if he is put down. The high-need baby gets fed more because he demands it. He (usually) enjoys the first-class comfort of sleeping with his parents because he refuses to sleep separate. And, he gets taken to more interesting places because he is unwilling to accept a lower level of care. For high-need babies, life is one continuous upgrade.
“Schedule” is not in the high-need baby’s vocabulary. Early on, these smart infants learn that the breast or bottle is not only a source of nutrition, but also a source of comfort. In fact, research has shown that non-nutritive sucking (sucking for comfort rather than for food) is one of the earliest ways a baby learns to settle. Mothers figure this out quickly and, unfortunately, many of them get their babies hooked on dummies so they can be put down, away from mother, a lot. We prefer that mother use her own finger to give baby extra suck time if he is bottle-fed, or if she knows he doesn’t need any more milk from her breast, or if her breasts need a break.
A recurrent theme that we hear from the parents of high-need babies is “She wants to feed all the time.” Martha’s experience with Hayden is a perfect example. Because our first three babies went an average of three hours between feedings – or even four hours once we added solid food to their diet in the early months – she expected the same from Hayden. Her approach with the first three was to feed them when they cried. But when Hayden cried one hour after being fed, she wondered what to do. Of course, feeding is what Hayden needed, Martha discovered. Yet how could this be? She spent two weeks charting Hayden’s feeding habits in an effort to see what sort of schedule she had. At the end of the two weeks she looked at the chart and concluded that this baby simply didn’t have a schedule. That’s when Martha adopted the slogan “go with the flow”.
Expect baby’s need to nurse to intensify during high-need days when baby will naturally gravitate toward her favourite pacifier and person, which to a breast-fed baby is one and the same. Yes, you will feel like a human dummy or “pacifier”, because you are. Yet, consider that “pacifier” means “peacemaker”. Certainly this is the ultimate goal of parenting the high-need baby: to give this growing infant an internal peace during those tumultuous months after birth, when baby is learning to settle into life; this will help her learn to create inner peace on her own.
Nursing is a wonderful time-out when we are both wearing thin. It alleviates a tightened clash of the wills and provides a calm and loving oasis where we are both refreshed. I am always grateful for prolactin [the breast milk-producing hormone that has a relaxing effect on mother].
Not only do high-need babies breast-feed more frequently, the need for breast-feeding lasts longer. These babies are notoriously slow to wean. They realize that they have a good thing going and that it would be foolish to give it up quickly. It is not unusual for high-need babies (unless forced to wean before their time) to breast-feed at least two years. (See weaning, pages 150–1, for how extended feeding benefits mother and child.)
High-need babies don’t merely request feeding and holding, they demand it – loudly. This personality trait more than any of the others pushes parents’ buttons, causing them to feel manipulated and controlled. Adults who are stuck in the “parenting equals control” mind-set may have great difficulty realizing that baby’s demands equal communication, not control.
Mothers of high-need babies often say, “I just can’t get to him fast enough.” These babies convey a sense of urgency in their signals; they do not like waiting, and they do not readily accept alternatives. Woe to the parent who offers baby the rattle when he is expecting a breast. He will let you know quickly and loudly that you’ve misread his cues. The concept of “delayed gratification” is totally foreign to infants. It must be sensitively and gradually taught when the child is developmentally ready to learn it.
It may be easier to cope with your baby’s demanding signals if you understand why high-need babies have to be demanding in order to thrive. Suppose baby had high needs but did not have a strong personality to “demand” that these needs get met. Suppose he did not use the kind of persistent cry that ensures a response. This would be a lose-lose situation: baby would not thrive because his needs would not be met, and parents would not get enough practice at cue reading to ever pick up on the baby’s real need level.
If the child feels that she can trust her caregivers, she will eventually learn to make her demands in a more socially acceptable way, rather than overwhelming the whole care-giving environment. With parents who both respond to and wisely channel her demands, the high-need child develops into a person with determination, one who will fight for her rights. The child becomes a leader instead of a follower, one who does not just follow the path of least resistance and do what everyone else is doing. Certainly, our country needs more such citizens.
Although being demanding is the trait of high-need children that is most likely to drive parents bananas, it is also the trait that drives children to succeed and excel. A high-need child with a demanding personality will, if nurtured and channelled appropriately during the formative years, exhaust teachers as she did her parents; yet she will also be able to extract from adult resources, such as teachers, the level of help and education she will need to thrive in academic and social endeavours. This is why it is so important not to squelch an infant’s expressiveness. The ability to know one’s needs and be able to express them comfortably is a valuable tool for success in life.
As the high-need infant grows into a high-need toddler and child, parents must also help her learn that her demands have to be balanced against the needs of others, so that she can learn to be a likable and compassionate person. Helping a demanding infant develop persistence without becoming a controlling person is one of the challenges we will discuss throughout this book.
“Why do high-need babies need more of everything but sleep?” groaned a tired mother. You would think that high-need babies would need more sleep; certainly their tired parents do. In Chapter 8 we will explain why high-need children sleep differently, and offer nighttime parenting tips for you and your baby. To remedy your own tired feelings, remember what we said previously about living in the “mother zone”.