at the slightest noise. These supersensitive infants are unlikely to accept substitute caregivers willingly.
This acute sensitivity to their environment can become a rewarding asset as a high-need child grows. These children are more “tuned in” to what is going on around them. Their keen awareness stimulates their curiosity, which in turn stimulates learning. They are not distant children. They become kids who care, more easily bothered by another child’s hurts. Most develop empathy, a quality that is lacking in many of today’s teens and adults. Because these children are so sensitive, they develop great discernment and are able to consider the effects of their behaviour on the feelings of others. They are able to achieve one of the ultimate qualities of self-discipline: the ability to think through what they’re about to do.
strive for balance
Many new mothers and fathers start parenting believing they must be in control of their child. Or, they may be the product of controlling parents themselves and have vowed not to do anything to squelch their child’s personality. Both extremes cripple a child. Putting the lid on a child’s personality stunts the child’s emotional growth. Letting a child’s emotions and character traits go unguided risks having the child turn out wild and lacking in self-control. Aim for a balance. Children need to be comfortable expressing their needs, yet high-need children need a high level of guidance to express themselves appropriately.
For the sake of your child, and yourself, in the early weeks of parenting, unload the baggage of your “control mind-set” and learn to give freely. When you have opened yourself up to be flexible enough to keep working at a style of parenting that helps all family members thrive, control will no longer be an issue. Without the stifling baggage of control hindering your intuitive parenting, you will be free to guide your child, channelling his personality traits to work to his advantage and to the advantage of the family.
Supersensitive babies react in a big way to physical and emotional discomforts. They let you know, in no uncertain terms, they hurt and they need help – now!
He cries in protest when the littlest thing is not right with him. He is so sensitive. Whenever he has a cold, he cries and whines, and needs to be held constantly. He wails when he has an ear infection. At his nine-month check-up, I recall our paediatrician saying, “Wow! So much anger for such a little baby.” I think he was just angry that his teeth hurt.
Though upsetting to your ears and frustrating to your sensitive heart, supersensitive babies are at least easier to read. They let you know when they need help or when something should be changed in their care-giving environment. Their signals cannot go unnoticed.
traits with a silver lining
A unique feature of high-need children is that what appears to be a “negative” personality trait can turn out to be positive. For every hour of sleep you lose in the early years, you are likely to get an extra hour of sleep when the child is a teen. For every ounce of distress the infant gives you, you are likely to get back at least an equal amount of delight. The same behavioural traits that earn these infants various negative labels are the ones that help their personality blossom. Early on, it’s normal for parents to be overwhelmed with the negatives: loss of freedom, loss of sleep, and loss of energy. (See Chapter 7, “Mother Burnout”.) Yet the sooner you can turn these negative attitudes into positive ones, the easier living with your high-need child will become. Don’t think of your child as a difficult sleeper; think of her as active or alert. Don’t think of him as clingy; think of him as a baby who values being with you. This is a tough challenge, one that requires self-discipline, but the rewards are great. Try to spend as much of your day focusing on the uniqueness of your child, identifying and reinforcing the child’s positive character traits so that they will work to the child’s advantage, and to yours. In addition, you’ll get the added bonus of learning, by necessity, to take better care of yourself – a life skill that will benefit your whole family.
High-need babies crave touch: skin-to-skin contact in your arms, at your breasts, in your bed. They extract whatever physical contact they can from their caregivers. They also crave motion. Holding is not enough; the holder must keep moving. If the holder wants to sit down, it had better be on something that rocks, glides, or swings. This constant holding may be particularly difficult for new parents who expected to have the magazine-model baby, the one who lies quietly in the cot gazing at fancy mobiles. This is not the play profile of the high-need baby. Parents’ arms and bodies are his cot; mother’s breasts are his pacifier; and a bouncing lap is his chair. Most high-need babies choose to upgrade their accommodations from the cot or playpen to the baby sling. They like to be worn many hours a day because they like the physical contact and they like to be up where the action is. Smart babies.
While most high-need babies are super-cuddly and crave being held, some are slower to warm up and often receive the label “uncuddly”. It could be that this behaviour is caused by extreme sensitivity, which causes them to perceive handling as unsettling or threatening. It is important for the parent to stay calm and relaxed. Babies like this need careful handling that avoids over-stimulation and gradually desensitizes them to touch. Eventually, most will become accustomed to relaxed touching and holding. Some uncuddly babies continue to resist close physical contact, being closely contained in the sling, or spending long periods of time in one person’s arms. They also protest being swaddled. These are the babies who need more space and floor time. The uncuddly babies are the most difficult of high-need babies because they don’t melt and mould rewardingly into the arms of their caregivers. If you have a baby who is initially uncuddly, don’t take it personally. These babies are simply slower to warm up to physical contact. Many of them eventually ease into the high-touch style of parenting that their high-need colleagues have learned to enjoy.
From the beginning Gennie seemed to be extremely sensitive. After nursing, she would pull away from me. At night she did not want to be touched at all. She would not make eye contact with anyone. When she began to smile or “talk”, it was only to inanimate objects (like a doll) at first.
I felt her withdrawal from people was a problem. At night I began by putting one of my fingers against her arm while she slept. Over the weeks I progressed slowly, adding more touch until she no longer withdrew. I held her as much as possible during the day. I arranged my schedule so that I had to be out only two days and spent the rest of the week at home. Some of those days I barely got dressed by noon. We rocked, read, and nursed.
As Gennie learned to accept touch, she seemed to need it even more than the norm. I held her as much as possible. I learned quickly how much she needed me. Gennie liked her dad just fine – as long as mum was there! She really did not relate to outsiders until she was three or four years old.
the perfect match of needs and temperament
In order for children’s high needs to work to their long-term advantage, their outward personality must accurately reflect their inner need level. Suppose an infant is born needing to be held a lot, fed frequently, and responded to in a consistent, nurturing manner. (Actually, all babies are like this.) Suppose that infant also has a rather laid-back personality and seems to be an “easy” baby. This baby would be at a disadvantage because his body language would convey that he did not need to be held much. On the other hand, a baby whose high need level is matched with a persistent, expressive personality will get what he needs. His cries will demand a response, and his compelling body language will ensure that he is picked up, held, and fed. Although more exhausting