her to do so. The best thing I can do is to continue to provide a nurturing environment conducive to sleep and realize that she will eventually sleep more and so will I.
channelling behaviour versus changing behaviour
Channelling behaviour starts with knowing and accepting the child that you have been given. You use your knowledge of your child’s behaviour to structure your home environment and shape your interactions with your child in such a way that the child’s behavioural traits blossom to his advantage, as well as to his family’s and society’s. This is much healthier and more successful than trying to change your child’s basic nature, trying to reshape him into a behavioural clone of everyone else. High-need children whose behaviour is channelled appropriately may be the leaders of the future. In fact, many people who have contributed positively to society were once high-need children whose behaviour was gently shaped by wise and sensitive parents. Many people who have grown up to harm society have been high-need children who were not recognized or nurtured. A high need that is unmet may reappear later as a less healthy need, one that is difficult to meet in a socially acceptable fashion. A high need that is met early is more likely to reappear later as a positive quality for the child, one that works to his advantage. A mother who recognized early that she had a high-need infant and worked hard to channel that child’s behaviour confided to me, “Early on, I knew this child had the potential to be either a criminal or President.”
Not being able to satisfy a baby’s needs is very frustrating for parents of high-need babies. It seems like a direct attack on your abilities. After all, isn’t a contented baby the hallmark of effective mothering? Wrong! There will be days when you feed, rock, walk, drive, wear, and try every comforting technique known to man or woman, and nothing will work. Don’t take this as a sign of failure. You do the best you can, and the rest is up to the baby. You have not failed as a mother even if your baby is miserable much of the time. This is partly his personality and partly his immature nervous system still in need of being organized. Meanwhile, keep experimenting with one comforting tool after another, and you will eventually discover one that works – at least for that day. Then you will feel like a genius! Keep your detective hat on to find clues to your baby’s discomfort (see here and here). Constant trial and error is how you build up your baby-soothing abilities.
It’s frustrating to realize that what worked yesterday doesn’t work today. “Just as I think I am winning, he ups the stakes”, a baffled mother confided. High-need babies are inconsistently appeased because their nervous systems are poorly organized. You will need lots of variety in your bag of comforting tricks.
Rocking, walking, using carriers, singing lullabies, tummy position, back position, side position, infant seats, dummies, tilting the mattress of the bed, bringing him to bed with us, cuddling him on breasts or bare chest, bathing him just before sleep time, hot water bottles wrapped inside a fake fur animal, letting him stay awake until midnight before bedtime routines, starting right after dinner, letting him cry, not letting him cry – nothing seemed to work. Some of these things worked some of the time; nothing worked all the time. This is very frustrating; you wonder what you are doing wrong.
your baby’s temperament
“Temperament” describes the basic emotional wiring of your baby. How your baby expresses her unique wiring is through her personality. What kind of person your child becomes depends on her inborn temperament (nature) and your responses to it (nurture). Temperament is not “good” or “bad”; it is simply the way your baby is. A vital part of living with your baby’s temperament is to know how to respond to it. There will be times you need to mellow a fussy baby or perk up a laid-back one.
It’s important to know not only the temperament of your baby but yours too. Parent and baby need to find a way to fit. This little word so economically describes the relationship between parent and baby. Some pairs fit together more easily, while some mothers and fathers and their babies have to make a few adjustments along the way to improve the fit. If your baby has high needs and a persistent personality that demands that those needs be met, and you are a person who loves to be in control and to have your life run in a smooth, predictable routine, you and your baby will both have to do some adjusting. It may be easier for a laid-back mother who by nature “goes with the flow” to cope with the unpredictable demands of a high-need baby.
The goal of parenting a high-need baby is to allow baby and parent to shape each other’s behaviour so that personalities mesh rather than clash, and eventually you will bring out the best in each other.
A responsive, flexible, nurturing mother is a good match for a high-need baby. This baby challenges the mother’s abilities and keeps her interested in her job, while the mother mellows the baby’s temperament by helping her feel right most of the time. The attachment style of parenting really pays off in developing a good fit. The hours you spend each day in high-touch, responsive parenting will naturally help you and your baby fit. Initially, you may have to work at it, but you will be surprised how the fit develops naturally – as long as you practise a responsive style of parenting that lets it happen. When mother and infant fit, they will roll smoothly along the road of life together; if they fit poorly, the road is likely to be bumpy.
Along with their unpredictability, these children show extremes of mood swings. When happy, they are a joy to be around; they are master charmers and people pleasers. When angry, they let everyone around them feel the heat.
The child’s unpredictability makes your day unpredictable. Do you take him shopping and risk a mega-tantrum when his first grocery grabs are thwarted, or will this be a day when he is the model shopping-trolley baby, charming everyone at the checkout counter?
When he is happy, he is the happiest baby around, but when he is angry he is the worst baby around. He is still that way, sunshine and smiles, anger and daggers. He has no middle emotion.
We have a theory that certain types of children show up in families that have certain areas in which they need to grow. When Hayden came along, our life had settled into a level of predictability that was quite comfortable, possibly heading for the “stale” category. We had three sons, easygoing types who liked sports and eagerly marched to the beat of the drummer in our family (Bill). We had similar interests professionally – we worked in paediatric settings, pursued writing together, and Martha’s interest in childbirth education and breast-feeding counselling fitted right into our paediatric setting. If Hayden hadn’t come along to introduce us to unpredictability, our work as authors would probably have begun and ended with one book (and even that one book might have turned out to be “plain vanilla”). Meeting the challenge of this “different” baby forced us to discover our creative selves. Hayden taught us that life with a high-need child is never boring.
High-need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment. “Easily bothered”, “quickly stimulated”, “like walking on eggshells” is how parents describe their sensitive babies. High-need babies prefer a secure and known environment, and they are quick to protest when their equilibrium is upset. They startle easily during the day (for example, we learned not to turn on the blender if Hayden was anywhere nearby) and settle with difficulty at night. While you can carry on