laughing.
“Pahtnaaaah, when Captain James Cook and his crew returned to Kealakekua Bay only three days after finally setting sail at the end of an extended stay, the Hawaiians took it as a bad omen. And the sailors provoked the Hawaiians. It finally ended when the Hawaiians clubbed and stabbed Captain Cook to death, cut up and burned his corpse. The Hawaiians brought Captain Cook’s scalp, skull, both hands and the meat from one of his thighs to the sailors as an offering of peace. I don’t know if they ate it or not.”
I stop eating and look at Randy. Is he really telling this to me at the dinner table? Before I can say anything, he continues with the history lesson.
“That other celebrated pirate, Magellan, he was shot by the poisonous arrow of Chief Lapu-Lapu and then he was stabbed to death by Pilipino warriors! Magellan’s dead body was chopped up and fed to the fish. Smart people those Pinoys, okaaaaaaay!”
Randy’s sitting here talking about savage killing, mutilations and burnt human flesh which might normally make me puke but I am tired, overwhelmed and still very hungry. I excuse myself from the table to get more kelaguen and titiyas.
Randy is not at his seat when I return to the table and I manage to eat without interruption. I really like this kelaguen stuff. When I finish, I notice Tuna staring at me. “Umby, you one hungry haole!” He laughs “need to balutan when you go.” Tuna explains to me that balutan is the same as ‘make plate’ in Hawaii. Basically, when you a guest at someone’s house, you take a plate of food with you when you leave. Most hosts provide paper plates and foil for just this purpose.
“Yah, I know about ‘make plate’. I lived Hawaii about seven years.” I say “but why do you keep calling me umby?”
“Eh, umby means friend in Chamorro, same as Spanish word ‘hombre’ but we spell it u-m-b-r-e and say it umby like Gumby, umbre” he says with a laugh.
Tuna explains that he grew up on Guam, went to the University of Guam and had been the manager of the family bait shop until his father sold the business and moved back to the mainland USA with a new wife. After the sale of the bait shop, Tuna spent a few months partying and playing around blowing most of his share of the payout from the sale of the business and after a few months, he became bored and decided that since he was practically broke, he needed to find a new job. Tuna’s mother, Mrs. Matuna and Mr. Saru’s mother are cousins and because Mr. Saru is pahree of the governor, he could help Tuna get a government job and he did.
“Is how things work here. Mainlanders call it nepotism but here we just helping family” Tuna says.
“Pahree is like a best friend, right?” I ask, remembering what I learned from Alan earlier.
“Pahree is spelled P-A-R- E and is like one brother not related to you. Mr. Saru pare with the governor and he helped me get one job at GovGuam, the government of Guam, giving advice for new business.” He says.
Not only had Tuna managed a bait shop, but he says that he has an economics degree from the University of Guam which means that he is not only qualified, but also a good candidate for the job.
‘So why didn’t you just apply for a job?” I ask.
“Umbre lai, no one in GovGuam get hired like that. Everybody hooked up by one relative. Everyone get one pare with one uncle that work for GovGuam.”
“What does umbre lie mean?” I ask.
“Already tell you that umbre is friend. Chamorro word for boy is lahi so when I say umbre lai is like saying oh boy or oh brother” he says with a smile “like saying oh brother, no way anyone get hired by GovGuam without knowing anybody that work there already.”
Before I can ask, he tells me that seventy percent of the local population works for GovGuam.
Randy takes his seat and says that the desserts will be put out in about ten minutes. The kitchen staff is replenishing the food right now if we want more.
“How long does a fiesta last?” I ask
“Pahtnaaaah, every village has a fiesta. Village fiestas go on for days, okaaaaay. But this is a private fiesta, in your honor. Enjoy it while it lasts, okaaaaay” Randy says.
Tuna is nodding in agreement.
“Umbre, like leave? Wait ‘til after dessert. Should eat dessert or you act like one haole” he says.
“Same as Hawaii” I say with a smile.
“How long you worked gyms?” Tuna asks.
“More than a decade” I say.
“Been working out long time too. Was one competitive weightlifter an get plany medals. Workout at Tropics Gym too. You like workout? Can work out together if you need one spotter” he says.
“Okay, sure, we can work out together” I say.
“Eh shoot, I forget about my trip. Going Honolulu for training on my job an stay off island one whole week” he says with a look of concern.
“You live Honolulu, yah?” he asks.
“Yes, I live in Honolulu. I meant until today, I used to live in Honolulu until today” I say, stumbling over my reality. Fuck, I live on Guam now.
“Evah train at Da Gym Honolulu?” he asks.
“I used to train there before it closed. I was training at Gold’s Gym South Street until I moved here” I say.
“Shoots, I like train there too! Eh, you like train heavy? Like workout tomorrow?” he asks.
He is offering me a chance to engage in that bonding experience popular among the weightlifters. The invitation of “Let’s train together” is usually another way of saying “think you can out lift me?” It’s like asking ‘how much can you bench? And then telling the person to prove it however, among gym rats, friendships are forged in iron and I am not about to turn down the opportunity to make a friend. Tuna says that we can meet at Tropics gym tomorrow evening, after he finishes work. I agree although I have no idea where the gym is located. I don’t know where I live and shit, I don’t even know where I’m staying tonight.
“Actually, I don’t know where the gym is.” I say to Tuna.
“Eh, no worries is one small island, only get one Tropics Gym. You find it by tomorrow night” he says with a laugh.
“Sounds cool” I say to him. The thing is that I’m sitting here eating strange food with people that I have known for about two hours and I feel panic creeping inside of me. Fuck, am I working tomorrow night? I just made plans to workout with Tuna, I guy I hardly know at a gym that I have never even seen, my gym, the gym where I am now the general manager and I don’t even know where I am. I don’t really know anyone, except Mr. Saru. Fuck, I don’t even know where I am sleeping tonight. Looking around this table I am starting to wonder what I am doing here. The house is filled with guests, family, friends, political associations of Mr. Saru and a few of the people are all in one and then there is me. I am the new guest, observed and ignored save for Randy, the host and Edward ‘Tuna’ Matuna.
“Umbre, we go out, yah? You and me go Gallivanting” Tuna says.
“What is gallivanting?” I ask.
“You know, pick up chicks, poke squid, you know, be gallant.”
‘I don’t think gallant means what you think it means.” I say.
“What? Ok, what means gallant?’ he asks.
“Gallant is to be noble and courageous.” I say.
Eh? That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, we courageous an noble. We pick up chicks an poke squid” he says laughing.
‘Alright.” I say laughing. I think this guy just speaks a mix of Chamorro and Hawaiian slang or at least it sounds like Hawaiian slang. The words I don’t understand are Chamorro. At least I can understand most of what he says.
“Hoi,