could play some kind of sports like football or basketball?”
“No, man, I did not like kids my age. When I was in middle school, I began to venture outside and fool around with older boys. They were in high school or were high school dropouts. They treated me well so I began to associate with older boys.”
“By the way, who takes care of you, like with cooking and clothing?”
“No one, but I pretty much know how to take care of myself, something I learned in elementary school.”
“Did your mom cook for you?”
“Hardly, but she always brought lots of hot dogs and frozen foods. I used to heat them up and eat them while watching TV.”
“Do you not have any brother or sister?”
“Nope, I am the only child. She never said she had kids before and I never asked her either.”
“Do you live in the apartment or house?”
“We live in a two-bedroom apartment.”
“You said you did not have a friend, then how did you spend your days in the room?”
“Well, I usually watched TV and read all kinds of magazines. I began to learn the adult life from those adult magazines that were brought by her boyfriend. In the meantime, I learned a lot about sex and adult life from my mom. I caught them having sex on the floor by accident often. I was very much exposed to the sex even when I was a child.”
“How old were you when you started to feel sex urges?”
“I was twelve. Their sex sounds irritated my ears first, but later the sounds gave me pleasure, and then I began to look for sex.”
“What did you do when you feel like having sex?”
“I’d just lie down and play with my dick.”
“It gave you pleasure?”
“Yeah, it did. Then whenever I heard my mom scream, I imagined I was having sex with her. Sometimes it drove me crazy so I went out and drank. From then on, I used to drink more and more, because she screamed all the time.”
I understood what made him drink that much at his age, but still I could not understand how he became preoccupied with sexuality even at the age of twelve. I studied the psychology but it did not make me understand his physiological and mental approach to the sexual phases. I was very interested when I heard his stories of sexual arousal at the age of twelve. However, I was glad I had been able to learn about young American boys’ psychology. I had learned a long time ago that American boys, especially blacks, are more sexually predisposed because of their genes, and now I was hearing the sexology by an actual person at such young age.
Since I heard his stories, I began to think I was looking at a wild monster in the cell. I digested his stories although it distracted my mind, yet I knew how the living environment and atmosphere usually can lead young boys and girls into adverse directions in their lives. According to the conditions and situations around him, where and how he had been living, I believed, it made him adopt and commit many bad things from his early life. I was surprised by his many other stories and amazed at how he survived.
When he lit up his cigarette, he continued.
“When I got into middle school, I began to venture with old boys on the street. I learned all kind of tricks and bad things from them. They drank all the time too. I joined them.”
“How’s the drug?”
“I did not like drugs. When I tried coke, it agitated me like hell so I never touched again.”
“Have you tried the weed?”
“I smoked it a few times, but it made me sick too. I don’t know why but it did, so I quit messing with it. So far the alcohol makes me feel good and calms me down.”
“Your mom did not do drugs?”
“Of course, she does. I think almost everybody living in my kind of stands does drugs and smokes weed.”
“Those drugs and weeds are not expensive?”
“They are.”
“How can your mom afford them?”
“I don’t know. I never asked how, but she smoked weed all the time.”
“Her boyfriend does smoke, too?”
“Yes, he does. He is the one bringing them for Mom.”
“I wonder how he could buy weed. You said he is not working.”
“That, I don’t know. But he smokes weed and crack often.”
“You said you just like to drink, then how could you buy drinks all the time?”
“That’s why my problem started. I needed a drink so often that I began to learn how to steal things and rob stores from older boys. That was why I had to serve time at the boys’ school.”
“How often do you think have you stolen goods?”
“I did almost everyday. It’s easy. But once, when robbing the store with friends, I got caught and sent to the boys’ school.”
“Did you not know stealing is a crime?”
“Everybody knows it is a crime, but they have to commit crimes to get what they want. Nobody was rich and they did not have jobs, so how can you expect them not doing bad things in this day?” he said in a little more highly emotional tone.
He lit up another cigarette and then continued his stories.
“When I got into middle school, all boys living in my neighborhood were doing either drugs or crimes.”
“What made you get involved in the crimes?”
“You see, if I want to join the clubs, I have to play with them. So far nobody has taught me not to do bad things. When I stayed home, all I watched and learned was my mom and her boyfriends doing sex, drugs and drinking. So, what chance did I have? When I was in middle school, I did not want to stay home or watch Mom’s whereabouts. When I joined the group, they offered food and gave me a few dollars so I liked it. They treated me well so I played with them the way they wanted.”
“Did you not know what old boys are doing is wrong?”
“I knew it was wrong. They got nothing to do or to eat at home so I think in order for them to kill the time, they got to commit a crime or fool around until they were caught by the police. Almost everybody had been in prison for many days, so thinking of incarceration, it seemed, it was not a problem to them,” he said, then put another cigarette on his lip.
“I think the way they wanted to break the law was only something they had learned to make a living. I believe if the government gives them the right opportunities and proper jobs, they do not need to break any laws. It seemed no one cared about them and they always felt they have been abandoned by society so maybe making mistakes are only a way for them to make their presence felt,” he said in a depressed voice, and then stood up.
“When I was taken to the boys’ school, I met a lot of bad boys and learned more criminal things than I could imagine. Because of so many bad things I had learned while in the boys’ school, I lost my confidence about what to do when I got out. All I could remember was I had to commit crimes as a compromise in how I had to manage my life. When I got out, I was afraid of living alone so I drank more. The alcohol was the only thing that made me calm down.”
Howard was talking like a storyteller. It mesmerized me and made me fall into deep thought for myself, and I wondered how young boys like him at his age could possibly manage their lives normally as most white people do. I was depressed at his stories but I knew I couldn’t do anything for him.
In my impression of him, Howard was a person who had a smart brain, who could make his life a little better after serving his sentence. I felt sorry for him as I heard his stories,