and she never said sorry.”
“When your mom left, did Elena say anything?”
“Elena knows who my mom is. When I met her, I told her everything about me and my mom. Therefore, it was not strange for Elena so she just smiled at my mom. My mom smiled back and then took off.”
“Do you think your girlfriend will help you behave better when you get out of prison?”
“I think so. She said she will wait for me.”
“What makes you believe she will wait for you?”
“I know for certain that whenever we had sex, she always said my sexual performance was wonderful. Whenever we had sex, she wanted more and more. I think my sex must be well instructed by my mom.”
“When you have served your time and get released, then what are you going to do?”
“I have a lot of plans. I don’t want to hang around with street boys anymore but have to focus on making money. Whenever we had sex, Elena always treated me with foods and colas. She treated me like I was her only boyfriend. I know I have to do something for her when I get out. Although I do not have much education, I have brains and ambitions so I think one day I will be a success.”
“I like to hear your confidence. If you think you can make your life different, then I believe there are potential opportunities when you get out, and, moreover, if you have skills and talents, I think you can make your life better. Please, don’t give up hope and desire. Go for it! And succeed in your life!” I encouraged him to pursue his dreams.
I did not really know if he could do as he had dreamed, but I liked to hear at least he wanted to try for his future. If he had parents, I thought he could grow up in normal life patterns.
Anyway, I was very impressed at the way he was telling about his dreams. But my question was that can he really be free from drink?
He told me his stories so enthusiastically that he soon fell asleep. I really hoped he will become a different man as he had planned.
Next day, early in the morning, he told me his ambitions again. His passions flared up so he began to tell his dreams again. He said he wanted to be a millionaire by means of boxing, songwriting or writing a book. Surprisingly, this time he was talking nothing but money.
I knew he had a big, wild dream. I intended not to disturb so I gave my affirmation for his ambitions. He said he had written a couple of songs already and sent them to his uncle who was in the recording business. It amazed me a lot when I heard his stories. I believe now one day he will yet achieve his dreams by the way he had expressed them to me.
For the first time, I had a chance to talk with a young black seventeen-year-old. I told him I will pray for him. He thanked me, and then stood restlessly.
After 6 a.m., the morning chow was called so we left the cell. As soon as we got back from the chow hall, the officer came and took him away.
November 4
Election Day!
In the morning news on the range TV, Mr. Bill Clinton was elected. The Democrat, Clinton, won over the Republican. I believed Clinton’s win was not because of his political agenda but because of the economic depression from the Gulf War. The Gulf War affected Mr. Bush and his campaign, and ironically Mr. Perot helped Mr. Clinton indirectly. I assumed there must have been some sort of arrangement or promises between Perot and Clinton. Who knows? These politicians know how to play and dance. I did not see Mr. Clinton as being smart and a more capable leader while watching their debates on TV, but the methods that came into play in the election had something to do with matters of young people.
When Mr. Bush got into the Gulf War, young people were afraid they might be taken to the battlefield by the war strategies. Therefore, young people turned against Mr. Bush, and then automatically Mr. Clinton was elected. Mr. Clinton’s ability and brain were not much to think about, but the time was right for Clinton and the American fear factors toward the war helped him.
First of all, young people were Democrats and did not like the idea of getting into any war. According to history, so many innocent American soldiers have been killed under the Democrats, as was seen in the Vietnam War. The people thought there would be no war if the Democratic Party won, but it would not be for a change in the prison system of America. The Democratic Party wanted to collect more young people who were eligible for the military draft into the DOC instead, so they could save young Americans from military duty. My impression was that Clinton had no strong gut. Well, but he became the president now.
New Cellmate Walter Pagan
This morning I got a new cellmate: Walter Pagan, white, thirty years old, medium weight, and a high school graduate. He was caught while smoking weed. He spent all his earnings purchasing weed. He told me he had to consume so much weed in order for him to function and work. I knew how addicts were so I did not argue with him. He said he had been spending more than his wages on marijuana. He was making good money working in the construction business.
Pagan was sick as he moved in. He developed a running nose, a slight fever, coughing and headache, and so I believed he had the flu. He was taking Tylenol, and, in the meantime, he submitted a request for sick call. In addition, I thought the stray fur from cheap blankets may have led to him coughing more. Whenever I swept the floor in the morning, there was plenty of contaminated and decomposed fur from the wholesale condemned flesh
Pagan told me of his life outside. He was very anxious to be released soon because he wanted to see his girlfriend very badly. Pagan was a carpenter and worked for his brother, but his bad marijuana habit forced him to serve time in the DOC.
He was a very smart and nice guy to me by my estimation, but since he touched the weed, he had to pay the penalties. He did not know the weed had lots of poisonous spines that had kept bringing many people into the DOC. Sometimes he cried, and then he would write long letters to his girlfriend almost every other day.
One afternoon, I went to see a counselor. He recommended me to CIC, and he said the Westville Correctional Facility was too much for me. When I came back to our cell, Pagan was still coughing and sneezing, but no medical sick call was granted yet. When Pagan refused to eat, then the officer on duty started to pay attention. The officer pushed him to eat but he refused continuously. In the evening he was taken down and met the nurse, but nothing was done. He was mad and frustrated.
Interestingly, since the end of the election, more white prisoners had appeared in the building, so now half of our range was changed into white. I believed it had something to do with the post-election atmosphere or it being close to Christmas.
November 5
First Question from Inmates
Since the officer let us out to the dayroom everyday, whenever I went out to the dayroom or range, inmates were anxious to ask me.
One black dude approached me. “Hey, how much time did you get?” he asked while sitting by me.
“I received twenty do ten for rape.”
He listened and then stared at me with disbelief at my words.
“I don’t believe you. You lie! You should have more than rape, man, like attempted murder. I haven’t seen anybody receive that much time for a rape charge. You’re lying!” the inmate raised his voice and kept watching my eyes.
The other inmates kept looking at me and waited for the true and acceptable answer from me. I was confused for a few seconds, and then realized their intentions. I quickly “adjusted” my charges to meet their expectations as I did not want to disappoint them.
“Yeah, you are right. I attempted to kill a girl and raped,” I said without thinking but just to reply to their questions.
“That makes sense. I know you did something more than rape,” he said loudly and settled with my answer, and he then moved to other inmates.
It was very interesting to get acquainted with these people’s minds and thoughts about