who want to hone and expand their strengths.
Finally, the child moves in and Chapter 5 is there to guide international or domestic families with this part of their journey. Chapter 5 discusses the pros and cons of traveling—with the children already in the family—to the newcomer’s homeland. This chapter is rich with ways to transition the new son and daughter sensitively and by including the brothers and sisters. This phase of the adoption process is really the time to plant the seeds that eventually grow post-placement attachments.
Next, Chapter 6 covers the “common challenges” that arrive with the son or daughter with complex trauma. “Common” means that these issues emerge with frequency in the family that expands by adoption. Most families will learn to cope with these daily dilemmas. Yet Chapter 7 is offered for those parents who feel the challenges are too great for their particular family composition. Chapters 8 to 13 are packed with solutions, solutions and more solutions! Hope and healing—for each member of the family—abound in these pages! We end on a positive note in Chapter 14.
The full details of any books, websites, movies, or useful organizations mentioned in the pages of this book will be found in the “Resources” section at the end of the book.
As a prelude, a healthy sibling offers us her sentiments:
“There are so many positive aspects of adoption! Yeah, it’s scary as hell to bring a total stranger into your home who may not want to be there, but the positive aspects outnumber the negative aspects so greatly. I enjoy playing with, talking to, and teaching my younger brother a lot of things. Even though the siblings act like they don’t love me, they do. Also, adopting forces you to look deeper into people and to have a better understanding of why people act the way they do. The greatest of all, though, is that I know that I partook in giving two children a home.”
Brothers and sisters—from diverse backgrounds—can learn to navigate relationships when joined by adoption!
1
“I’m Getting a Brother or Sister!”
Kids Develop Expectations Pre-Adoption
Parents come to the adoption process along many avenues. Some are moved by the stark images of orphans across the globe. Others intersect with a child along their career path—a teacher or coach learns that a student or team member needs a “forever” family. Perhaps a foster child or a relative’s child unexpectedly becomes available for adoption. A single adult comes to adoption out of a desire to become a parent. No matter the route the parents take to make a decision to adopt, brothers- and sisters-to-be develop a set of expectations about the sibling who is to come and join their family. This chapter will provide an overview of the expectations of the kids residing in the family prior to the arrival of the adoptee. We’ll look at parental and professional contributions to these expectations as well.
It is important to note that brothers, sisters, and parents present pre-adoption with expectations that are ideal and optimistic. Certainly, these attitudes, feelings, and beliefs are wonderful for the newly arrived son or daughter to experience. Frequently, children available for adoption haven’t always been welcomed so wholeheartedly into a family or haven’t had the opportunity to live with a family at all. Yet forming realistic expectations increases the family’s ability to accept the new family member with all of his needs and to integrate him into the existing family system.
Kids’ expectations include…
“I will have a playmate!”
When asked, many children state, “A new brother or sister will be so much fun!” In fact, this is the most prominent expectation with which the appropriately developing children approach the pending adoption. They perceive that they are getting a playmate with whom they will ride a bike, toss a football, share their dolls, play dress up, or totally defeat at video games.
“I was excited and even ecstatic. I had bothered my parents all my life to adopt again. I was adopted as a baby. I was an only child and very lonely. When I heard that my parents were adopting, I thought I was finally going to have play partners. Siblings will be fun and we could help kids have a better life at the same time.”
“I thought having a brother would be a lot of fun. I thought my brother would be so much fun to play with. Since we adopted my brother, it has been really noisy at our house. Whenever he gets mad, he will scream and cry. Also, when he doesn’t get something he wants, he will scream and scream!”
“I will have someone to teach!”
Some believe that they will get a younger brother or sister who will seek out and benefit from their help with homework or who will be open to absorbing their knowledge. “I can hardly wait to teach her to read!” “I bet he’ll be really impressed with my iPod® playlists. I can teach him everything about music!”
“Great! I’ll have help with chores!”
Other children may be excited by the prospect of a sibling who will share in the chores. “We can take turns loading the dishwasher!”
Such expectations make sense, especially if there is a healthy sibling relationship in the family prior to the arrival of a brother or sister by adoption. Simply put, siblings are socialization agents. The sibling relationship provides a context for social development. Through ongoing, long-term interactions, siblings teach each other how to play and how to make and keep friends.
As they become tweens and teens, brothers and sisters share advice about clothing, hair, dating, driving, and everything else that comes along with growing up. They help each other and teach each other. Brother–sister relationships provide opportunities for the expression of feelings, sometimes intense feelings like those that go along with sibling rivalry! They are there for each other to share the excitement of a first date or the devastation of the subsequent break-up. They learn the art of competition, the fun of board games, or touch football in the back yard. Then they cheer each other on at sporting events. They offer a support system that continues through adulthood (Powell and Gallagher 1993).
Given that the birth- and/or previously adopted children are routinely excluded from pre-adoptive education efforts—which would challenge their expectations—it makes even more sense that siblings-to-be enter the adoptive process from a positive perspective.
Parent’s expectations include…
“I want my children to have more siblings”
Erick and Marianne adopted Peter as a toddler. They were concerned that Peter would be alone at some point in his life. They felt adoption offered him the opportunity to have “company” now and later. When Peter was age nine, they adopted Mark and Mike, ages ten and six respectively.
“Prior to the adoption, I was not so keen on the thought of bringing another child or children, in my case, into an already settled home environment. I was 16 years old. Of course, I knew that since I had gone my entire life without having siblings it would take some getting used to. My parents had looked at many children and we were under the impression that they would adjust well to our home. We were so naive. We expected them not to have problems and not to have been abused. We expected that these were basically normal healthy children.”
The decision by parents to have more than one child is sometimes a desire to offset loneliness in the first-born or adopted, a hope to create opportunities for healthy competition, and a wish to provide their children with the “gift” of a ready-made playmate or companion. Mothers and fathers often envision that their children will magically become close, affectionate, and mutually responsive and may even remain lifelong friends—a parental legacy expressed in the phrase “After we’re gone, you’ll always have each other” (Bank and Kahn 1997).
Sibling relationships are important
The above expectation is quite understandable because the brother and sister relationship is taking on greater importance in light of changes in family structure:
• The average number of siblings is currently one.
• The sibling relationship is our longest relationship.