An increase in divorce and geographic mobility may cause us, young and old alike, to cling tightly to the constancy and permanency a brother or sister can provide.
• The absence of parents due to stress, employment obligations, and divorce invites brothers and sisters to band together as a mutual support system (Goetting 1986).
These facts make clear that positive sibling relationships are of great value. It is no surprise, then, that parents expect and want to create intimate bonds between their resident children and the sibling they add by adopting.
The expectation of close sibling ties is created by other factors as well. These factors are explored on the following pages. It should be noted that the content of this book focuses on sibling relationships from birth through late adolescence—the time in which siblings are growing up together.
Expectations inherent in developmental tasks
Siblings have three primary developmental tasks in childhood and adolescence. First, and most important, siblings provide companionship, friendship, comfort, and affection for one another. Siblings are social agents.
Second, brothers and sisters are a primary means of child care. It is probably true that single-parent families, families in which both parents work, large families, and families overwhelmed by a child with a disability are more likely to delegate care-taking responsibilities to their sons and daughters.
Lastly, siblings benefit each other by managing relationships in various ways between parents and siblings. A child can protect a brother or sister from a confrontation with the parent by distracting Mom or Dad from the potentially explosive situation. Brothers and sisters can join forces with one another against the parent to strengthen resources for negotiation (Goetting 1986). For example:
“If you bought us all bikes, you could save a lot of driving time and gas!”
As a second example:
Melanie, age seven, was under the care of her 16-year-old sibling, Carol, for the summer. Melanie, adopted at age two from Belarus, has a limited sense of danger and lacks comprehension of the consequences of her actions. While Carol was babysitting, several of her friends stopped by. A television commercial regarding drugs caused the older children to make what they thought were some humorous comments about drug addicts. Melanie’s interpretation of their remarks was “I would be cool and likeable if I took drugs.” And, indeed she did. She swallowed almost a whole bottle of a prescription medication. Melanie’s vital signs stabilized with the assistance of a 911 team. Carol explained to her very upset parents that Melanie’s behavior was the result of the conversation with her friends. Carol intervened on Melanie’s behalf and quite nicely diffused the situation. Melanie’s parents were able to calmly discuss this situation with each other and Melanie. Since this incident, Carol’s friends no longer stop by while she cares for Melanie. All medications have been placed in locked containers. Melanie’s grandmother visits more frequently while Melanie’s parents are at work.
Expectations abound within these developmental tasks. Visions of siblings playing games, ganging up on Mom and Dad to obtain privileges, and assisting with household responsibilities are the types of experiences families want to facilitate, as well as experience for themselves. Carol and Melanie help us understand that blending children—typically developing and traumatized—may or may not play out as dreamed about pre-adoption. Chapter 2 will expand on the types of difficulties the child with a history of trauma may bring to the adoptive family.
“I would tell other kids not to assume anything. That’s what I did, and it was totally the opposite.”
Expectations derived from roles
Who were you in the family? Were you the “peacemaker”? Were you the “responsible one”? The sibling relationship can be a major determinant of both identity formation and self-esteem (Cicirelli 1995). Think about the following questions as you read this segment:
• What are my expectations of sibling relationships?
• Did I always get along with my brother or sister?
• Did I willingly share friends with my close-in-age sister?
• Did I willingly babysit my younger brother?
• Did I feel resentful or angry when my sibling “got away with” a behavior for which I was certain that I would have received consequences?
• How are my sibling relationships at the present time?
• What was my role in the family?
• Do I have expectations about what roles my appropriately developing children will assume once I become an adoptive parent?
• Do I have expectations as to what role my child by adoption will assume once she enters my family?
• What experiences have I had in which my expectations were not met? How did I feel in these situations? How did I cope with these situations?
• What are my expectations of my spouse?
• Are we united about adopting?
• About child-rearing?
• About the division of household responsibilities?
• Are my expectations about adopting changing as I am provided with information from my agency’s pre-adoptive training program, readings, surfing the Internet, and networking with families already parenting an adopted child?
• What are my typically developing children’s expectations of a new sibling?
• Have I talked with them?
Birth order
Place in the family—oldest, youngest, middle child—figures prominently in adult perceptions of sibling relationships as well. Birth order contributes to role identification, and as adults we often carry out the roles learned as children—“the helper,” “the baby,” “the older responsible one.” Thus, our role becomes a large part of our identity.
There exists a bias within the child welfare system to avoid placements that move a typically developing brother or sister out of his or her role as oldest child.
When Mike and Nancy added Patty and Dave to their family, their birth son, Ryan, age 11, became the second oldest. Patty was ten months older than Ryan. Ryan’s difficulty adjusting to Patty and Dave had nothing to do with the birth order. In fact, Ryan continued to receive all of the privileges usually ascribed to the oldest child as his development was in accord with his chronological age.
Patty’s development, on the other hand, because of the pre-adoptive trauma she had experienced, resembled that of a child about five or six years old. Therefore, her freedoms and the possessions provided to her were doled out based on what she could handle in light of her developmental delays. Ryan’s adjustment was related to the behavioral problems Patty and Dave brought into the family. Patty, who had an extensive history of trauma, had experienced 11 placements prior to coming to live in Mike and Nancy’s home. Throughout her residences, her place in the family had changed repeatedly. Sometimes she was the oldest. Sometimes she was the youngest. Sometimes she was the middle child.
Parents know their children best. If mothers and fathers feel strongly that one of their sons or daughters needs to retain his or her place as oldest or youngest, then the newcomer should arrive at the according age. And, vice versa, if a mom and dad know that their kids can handle a shift in position, then the newcomer can arrive at any age within the parameters set by the parents-to-be. As the example of Patty and Ryan makes clear, birth order isn’t always the biggest factor when the family expands via adoption. Later, we’ll explore an array of “common challenges” an adoptive family can face after the child with a history of trauma arrives.
Ascribed roles
Roles in the family may also be ascribed due to qualities—for example, “the brain” or “the beauty.” When parents extend and elaborate