home with Jas and the gang. I was a bit depressed. Again. I couldn’t even be bothered putting my lunchpack-beret on.
I said to Jas, “Slim is so ludicrously suspicious! What she implied was that I would not take the note home and would pretend that I am not suspended!!”
Jas said, “Hmmm…What were you going to tell your mum after you had destroyed the note?”
“You’re as bad as everyone else, Jas.”
“I know, but just for interest’s sake, what were you going to say?”
“I thought I might try the mysterious stomach bug. I haven’t used it since last year’s maths test.”
4:00 p.m.
Home. Great. Life is great. Just perfectamondo. Suspended. Suspended just in time for Vati to come home and kill me. In love with a Sex God who calls me a kid. Called a heartless whatsit by Dave the Laugh. And the spot on my bum is like a boil. I wonder what Buddha would do now?
4:30 p.m.
Waiting for Mum to come home so I can break the brilliant news.
5:00 p.m.
Phoned Jas. Her mum answered.
I said, “Hello, can I speak to Jas?”
I heard her shouting to Jas, “Jas, it’s Georgia on the phone.”
And I heard Jas shout back, “Can you tell her I’ll talk to her later. Tom’s showing me a new computer game.”
A new computer game? Are they all mad?
If I had called down and said that a boy was showing me a computer game my bedroom would have been full of parents within seconds!!
Unless that boy was my cousin James, in which case I would have been left up there for years, because my family doesn’t seem to mind incest.
6:30 p.m.
Mutti went ballisticisimus about the suspension. Even though I explained how it was not my fault and how provoked I was by Elvis.
When she calmed down she said, “Don’t you think you might have a bit of a stomach bug?”
I said, “Here we go. Look, Mum, this is no time to be visiting Doctor Gorgeous. We should be thinking about Vati.”
She said, “I AM thinking of Vati. And do you know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that he’ll go mad if he comes back and the first thing he hears is that his first born has been suspended. Now, are you feeling a bit poorly?”
My room
8:30 p.m.
Mum “suggested” I went to bed early and thought about the important things in life for once. She’s right. I will think about the important things in life. Here goes:
My hair…quite nice in a mousey sort of way. I still think that a blonde streak is a good idea, even after the slight accident I had last time I tried it. The bit that snapped off has grown back now, but I notice Mum has hidden all the toilet cleaners and Grandad’s stuff that he puts his false teeth in when he stays. She really is like a police dog.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, eyes…Nice, I think, sort of a yellow colour. Jas said I’ve got cats’ eyes.
Nose…Yes well, it doesn’t get any smaller. It’s the squashiness I don’t like. It doesn’t seem to have any bone in it. I still can’t forget what Grandad said about noses, that as you get older they get bigger and bigger as gravity pulls on them.
8:35 p.m.
You can make a sort of nose sling out of a pair of knickers! Like a sort of anti-gravity device. You put a leg hole over each ear and the middly bit supports your nose. It’s quite comfy. I’m not saying that it looks very glamorous. I’m just saying it’s comfy.
8:40 p.m.
It’s not something I would wear outside of the privacy of my own bedroom.
8:45 p.m.
It’s a good view from my windowsill. I can see Mr Next Door with his stupid poodles. He’s all happy now that Angus has gone off poodle baiting in favour of the Burmese sex kitten.
8:46 p.m.
Oh hello, here comes BG, my ex, the breast fondler. At this rate he will be the one and only fondler. I will die unfondled. He must be coming home from football practice. I don’t know how I could ever have thought about snogging him, he wears extremely tragic trousers. He is looking up at my window. He has seen me. He’s stopped walking and is looking up at my window. Staring at me. Well, you know what they say– once a boy magnet always a boy magnet. I’m just going to stare back in a really cool way. All right, Mr Big Gob, Mr Dumper. I might be the dumpee but you still can’t take your eyes away from me though, can you??? I still fascinate him. He’s just looking up at me. Just staring and staring.
Mesmerised by me.
8:50 p.m.
Oh my God! I am still wearing my nose hammock made out of knickers.
8:56 p.m.
Mark will tell all his mates.
8:57 p.m.
He will now call me a knicker-sniffer as well as a lesbian.
Midnight
Oh for heaven’s sake! What now? Woken by loud shouting and swearing. Surely Dad is not home already? Looked through the window. It was Mr and Mrs Across the Road. They were hitting things in their garden, shouting and shining torches. What on earth is the matter with them? This is no time for a disco inferno.
2:00 a.m.
Woke up fighting for breath from a dream about my nose getting bigger and bigger and my breasts getting bigger and bigger. And someone laughing and laughing at me. I couldn’t seem to move anything except my head. Paralysis for being so horrid to Dave the Laugh. Libby was laughing like a loony. (Which of course she is.) She pulled my hair, “Look, bad boy!!! Aaahhh.”
The weight was Angus curled up on my chest. Purring. I couldn’t move, he weighs a ton. Big fat furry thing. I’m going to cut down on his rations. He’s like a small horse.
Hang on a minute. He’s not alone. He’s got Naomi with him, curled up on top of him!!! Oh Blimey O’Reilley’s trousers!
I managed to get them off me and they slunk off into the night – not before Angus had bitten my hand for my trouble. Naomi is a bit forward for a pedigree cat; she had her head practically up Angus’s bottom as they went off.
I’ll think about it in the morning. I mustn’t do anything hasty. Like tell Mr and Mrs Across the Road.
Tuesday October 19th
8:45 a.m.
All hell broke loose. Mr and Mrs Across the Road came round “asking” about the Burmese sex kitten. Mr Across the Road had a spade and the words “Skinned and made into slippers” were mentioned. As she shut the door Mum said, “Honestly, Angus gets the blame for any bloody thing that goes on round here.”
I said, “Yes…he’s a scapewhatsit like me.”
She said, “Shut up and get the balloons out.”