was all sulky, but then I put my arm round her. She said, “You can stop that.”
I said, “I feel a bit sad though, because I’m so lucky and I can’t help thinking about Dave the Laugh. He was a really nice bloke, and you know…er…a good laugh. It’s sad that I have broken his heart.”
Jas was poking around in Dad’s fishing bag, which is not a good idea as he sometimes leaves maggots in there which turn into bluebottles. She said, “Oh, I meant to tell you. He’s going out with Ellen. Tom and I are meeting them later at the pictures.”
Midnight
Bloody sacré bleu. Dave the Laugh was supposed to really like me. How come he is going out with Ellen? How dare she go out with him? He is only just my ex.
1:00 a.m.
Still, I am going out with a Sex God. So I should be nice to everyone.
1:05 a.m.
Dave was a laugh, though. Even if he didn’t make me go jelloid.
1:10 a.m.
I definitely go jelloid with the SG. Mmmmm, dreamy. But he doesn’t make me laugh, he makes me stupid.
1:15 a.m.
I wonder if Dave the Laugh did that nibbling thing with Ellen?
1:20 a.m.
Looking through the window. Angus and Naomi are lurking about on Mr and Mrs Next Door’s garden wall. Angus is just dangling his paw down at the poodles. I hope there is not going to be group sex. (Whatever that is.)
1:25 a.m.
Perhaps I could have a jelloid boyfriend and an ordinary one for laughing with.
1:30 a.m.
Good grief! What in the name of pantyhose is going to happen next?!?
aggers • Agony. Like I said, no one has the time to say whole words, so aggers is short for agony. The unusually irritating among you might point out that aggers is actually longer than agony. My answer to that is– Haven’t you got something else to do besides count letters?
billio • From the Australian outback. A billycan was something Aborigines boiled their goodies up in, or whatever it is they eat. Anyway, billio means boiling things up. Therefore, “my cheeks ached like billio” means…er…very achy. I don’t know why we say it. It’s a mystery, like many things. But that’s the beauty of life.
Chrimbo hols • No one has the time to say long words, so Chrimbo is Christmas and hols is holidays. As in snog fest (snogging festival).
conk • Nose. This is very interesting historically. A very long time ago (1066)– even before my grandad was born– a bloke called William the Conqueror (French) came to England and shot our King Harold in the eye. Typical. And people wonder why we don’t like the French much. Anyway, William had a big nose, and so to get our own back we called him William the Big Conk-erer. If you see what I mean. I hope you do because I am exhausting myself with my hilariosity and historiosity.
crèche • Kindergarten. Nursery. Playschool. Working muttis leave preschool children so they can “enjoy themselves” making things. A sort of day prison for toddlers.
dalek • In England we have this hilariously crap TV show called Dr Who where this bloke in a scarf goes time travelling. His archenemies are these senselessly violent creatures (no, not Angus surprisingly). They are called daleks. They’re a form of robot. They have weird mechanical voices and a sort of gun sticking out of their head bits. They say, “Exterminate, exterminate!” Well, I told you it is crap.
Dly • Quite literally “Do It Yourself”! Rude when you think about it. Instead of getting someone competent to do things around the house (you know, like a trained electrician or a builder or a plumber), some vatis choose to do DIY. Always with disastrous results. For example, my bedroom ceiling has footprints in it because my vati decided he would go up on the roof and replace a few tiles. Hopeless.
duffing up • Duffing up is the female equivalent of beating up. It is not so violent and usually involves a lot of pushing with the occasional pinch.
geoggers • Geoggers is short for geography. Ditto blodge (biology) and lunck (lunch).
get off with • A romantic term. It means to use your womanly charms to entice a boy into a web of love. Oh, OK then– snogging.
gob • Gob is an attractive term for someone’s mouth. For example, if you saw Mark (from up the road who has the biggest mouth known to womankind) you could yell politely, “Good Lord, Mark, don’t open your gob, otherwise people may think you are a basking whale in trousers and throw a mackerel at you!” Or something else full of hilariosity.
goosegog • Gooseberry. I know you are looking all quizzical now. OK. If there are two people and they want to snog and you keep hanging about saying, “Do you fancy some chewing gum?” or “Have you seen my interesting new socks?” you are a gooseberry. Or for short a goosegog, i.e., someone who nobody wants around.
gorgey • Gorgeous. Like fabby (fabulous) and marvy (marvellous).
Jammy Dodger • Biscuit with jam in it. Very nutritious (ish).
jelly rabbit • Jelly made into a rabbit shape. Children like this sort of thing. You make some jelly and pour it into a rabbit-shaped mould. When it is set the child amuses itself by eating its bottom with a spoon. Or scooping out its eyes. Or, in Libby’s case, by placing it in my bed.
knickers • Amercians (wrongly) call them panties. Knickers are a particular type of “panty”– huge and all encompassing. In the olden days (i.e., when Dad was born) all the ladies wore massive knickers that came to their knees. Many, many amusing songs were made up about knicker elastic breaking. This is because, as Slim, our headmistress, points out to anybody interested (i.e., no one), “In the old days people knew how to enjoy themselves with simple pleasures.” Well, I have news for her. We modern people enjoy ourselves with knicker stories, too. We often laugh as we imagine how many homeless people she could house in hers.
jimjams • Pyjamas. Also pygmies or jammies.
lippy • Oh come on, you know what it is! Lipstick!! Honestly, what are you like?!
loo • Lavatory. In America they say “rest room”, which is funny, as I never feel like having a rest when I go to the lavatory.
mincers • Cockney-type people in London use rhyming slang so that other (normal) people will not know what they are talking about. I don’t know why– that is the beauty of the Cockneys. Mincers is short for mince pies, which rhymes with eyes. Get it?
Neighbours • A really crap daytime soap opera set in a suburb in Australia. Kylie Minogue was in it.
nub • The heart of the matter. You can also say gist and thrust. This is from the name for the centre of a wheel where the spokes come out. Or do I mean hub? Who cares. I feel a dance coming on.
nuddy-pants • Quite literally nude-coloured pants, and you know what nude-coloured pants are? They are no pants. So if you are in your nuddy-pants you are in your no pants, i.e., you are naked.
panstick • Stick of makeup that you use to cover up spots with. Or in