looked at me for what seemed like ages and ages, and then he kissed me. It was all surf crashing and my insides felt like they were being sucked out. Which you wouldn’t think was very pleasant. But it was. He put his hand on my face and kissed me quite hard. I felt all breathless and hot. It was brilliant. We whizzed through the scoring system for snogging in record time. We got to number four (kiss lasting over three minutes without a break), had a quick breather and then went into five (open mouth kissing) and a hint of six (tongues). Yesss!!!! I had got to number six with the Sex God!!! Again!!!
Eventually we had a bit of a chat. Well, he chatted. I just couldn’t seem to say anything normal. Every time I thought of something to say, it was something like, “Do you want to see my impression of a lockjaw germ?” or “Can I eat your shirt?”
He had his arm round my shoulder, which was good because then he got profile rather than full-frontal nose. He said, “I haven’t been able to forget you. I’ve tried. I tried to be glad when you started seeing Dave. But it didn’t work. I even wrote a song for you. Do you want to hear it?”
I managed to say “Yes” without putting on a stupid French accent or something. Then he sort of pulled me backwards on to him so that my head was resting on his lap. It was quite nice, but I could see up his nose a bit. Which I didn’t mind, because he is a Sex God and I love him. It’s not like looking up Cousin James’s nose, which would make anyone immediately sick. But then I thought, if he looked down and saw me looking up his nostrils, he might think it was a bit rude. So I settled on closing my eyes and letting a half-smile play around my lips.
Then he started singing me the song he had written for me. There weren’t many words– it was mostly, “And I really had to see her again.” And then melodic humming and yeahing. Unfortunately he was sort of jiggling his knees for the rhythm so my head was bobbling about. I don’t know how attractive that looked.
4:00 p.m.
The Sex God has left the arena. He wants us to be, like, official snogging partners after my fifteenth next month. He’s going to tell his parents.
I am irresistible.
I am truly a BABE magnet.
Even in my Teletubbies jimjams.
Even without mascara on.
Life is fabbity fab fab!!!!
Yessssss!!!!!! And triple hahahahahaha-di-haha!!!!
5:00 p.m.
M and D eventually got up. I didn’t care because I am in the Land of the Very Fab, in fact beyond the Valley of the Fab and into the Universe of Marvy.
Vati is in a hideously good mood. He keeps looking at things and going, “Aahh-h” and hugging me. I wish he would get back to normal. I wonder how long it will be before he drops this “happy family” nonsense and gets all parenty.
6:00 p.m.
An hour, that’s how long.
I was on the phone when it started. Telling Jas about SG. I said to her, “Yeah, come round and I’ll tell you all about it. It is so FAB. How long will you be? OK. Good. Yeah anyway, he just turned up in his car. He looked BRILLIANT– you know those black jeans he has got, the really cool ones with the raised seam that…”
Vati had gone into the kitchen to get a cup of tea. He came out, stirring it. Jas had just asked me what sort of jacket SG was wearing and I was beginning to tell her when Dad interrupted and said, “Georgia, if Jas is coming round why are you talking to her on the phone? Phones cost money, you know.”
Oh, I wondered how long it would be before the fascist landed. I said to Jas, “Have to go, Jas, I may already have wasted two pence. See you soon.”
7:20 p.m.
In my room, daydreaming about my wedding. Can you wear black as a bride? Dad came up and suggested we have a family “chat”. I know what that means, it means they tell me what they are going to do and expect me to go along with it, and if I don’t they call me a spoiled teenager and send me to my room.
But I don’t care any more. I said to Dad politely, “Look, why don’t we just skip the boring middle bit where I have to come all the way downstairs and you tell me what to do and I say no I don’t want to and then you send me straight to my room. Why don’t I just stay in my room?”
He said, “I don’t know what you are talking about. Come into the front room. And what’s wrong with your eyes? They look all bunged up, have you got a cold?”
“It’s Vaseline, it makes your eyelashes longer.”
He said, “Can’t you stop messing about with yourself?”
As I went downstairs I was thinking he should try messing about with himself a bit more. He never had what you might call good dress sense but it’s so much worse since he’s been in Kiwi-a-gogo land. Today he’s wearing tartan slacks which is a crime against humanity in anyone’s language. Also he has clipped his beard so that it is just on the end of his chin. No side bits and no moustache, just a beard thing…on the end of his chin. When we went in the room Mum kissed him on the cheek and stroked his beard…How disgusting.
Anyway, I don’t care because I am going out with a Sex God and life is fab. I said, “OK, I am sitting comfortably. Rave on, El Beardo.”
El Beardo said, “Great news!!! I’ve been offered a cottage in Scotland, I thought we would all go there for a week together as a family. Spend some quality time there together. Mum and Libbs, Grandad, Uncle Eddie, we could even ask Cousin James if you’d like a bit of company your own age. What do you think?”
Sacré bloody bleu. Merde and poo!!! Is what I think.
Fortunately the doorbell rang and Mrs Huge Knickers and me scampered up to my room. My room, which as usual, was full. Libby was in my bed with scuba-diving Barbie, Charlie Horse, Angus and Naomi.
I said, “Go play downstairs with Daddy, Libbs.”
But she just stood up on my bed and started dancing, singing, “Winnie Bag Pool, Winnie Bag Pool.” She got to the bit where she takes off her panties, but I noticed they were suspiciously bulky, so I said, “Stop it, Libbs.”
And she said, “Me let my legs grow.”
“No, leave them on.”
Too late. I thought Jas was going to faint. She doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to have a little sister. Me and Jas went off to the utility room for a bit of privacy. I was dying to tell her all about my snogging extravaganza, but she went raving on about Tom: “We went to the country.”
Oh good Lord. Still I thought I’d better pretend to be interested otherwise I would never get to talk about myself. I said, “What for?”
“You know, to be on our own in nature.”
“Why didn’t you just go and sit in your room with some houseplants instead of tramping all the way to the country? You only snog there, anyway.”
“No we don’t.”
“Oh yeah? What else do you do?”
“We looked at things.”
“What things?”
“Flora and fauna and so on. Stuff we do in blodge. It was really interesting. Tom knows a lot of things. We found cuckoo spit and followed a badger trail.”
I clapped my hands together and started skipping round the room. “Cuckoo spit!!! No!!! If only I could have come with you! Sadly there was a Sex God I had to snog.”
Jas got all huffy and pink. It’s hilarious when Jas gets miffed, and a reason in itself to make her irritated. She