went balIisticisimus when she found out. She hit Angus over the head with scuba-diving Barbie. I don’t think he even noticed – well, he didn’t stop purring. I nodded off for the whole of the Midlands because Dad started telling us about his hopes for the future. When I woke up I noticed that both Libby and Angus were nibbling away at Jimmy.
They are disgusting.
I sooooo hope that Robbie rings when I get home.
6:00 p.m.
Home!!!! Oh thank you, thank you, Baby Jesus. I am SOOOO happy. I will never complain about my dear little home again.
6:15 p.m.
God it’s so boring here. Nothing is happening.
6:30 p.m.
No phone calls.
All my so-called mates forgot to remember that I am not dead. Don’t they even wonder where I have been for the last five days?
7:55 p.m.
Jas, Jools, Ellen, Rosie, Mabs and Soph are ALL out. They’ve all gone to the cinema together. The Fab Gang but without one of the fab.
People can be so self-obsessed. Right, well I am going to eat the souvenirs that I brought back from Och-aye land for them.
8:25 p.m.
Lying down.
Urgh, I feel sick. I may never eat Ye Olde Shortbreaddy again as long as I live.
9:00 p.m.
Tucked up in bed. I have made a barrier with my bedside table so that no one can get in my room.
Now I really have got snogging withdrawal BADLY!!
9:05p.m.
I must see him. I must.
10:00 p.m.
Undid my barricade and went downstairs. I am so restless.
Angus is driving everyone insane!! He is not allowed out at night until he learns his lesson vis-à-vis Naomi the sex kitten. He has to be kept away from her otherwise he is for the big chop. Although I would like to see the vet that could do the job and still have both arms.
He keeps yowling and scratching at the door. He is supposed to go to the piddly-diddly department and poo parlour division in the laundry room. But he won’t go in, he just hangs round the front door trying to get out, whining and scratching and occasionally licking his bottom.
Libby said, “C’mon, big pussy, I’ll show you,” and went and had a piddly-diddly on his tray. Erlack.
She said, “It’s NICE!!!”
Oh marvellous. Now we’ll never get her to go to the ordinary piddly-diddly department. She’ll want her own tray.
Then Vati, Loon leader of the Universe, took over. “I’ll deal with the bloody thing!”
He dragged Angus into the laundry to put him on the cat tray. It took him about half an hour, even using the spade. Anyway, he got him in there at last. There was a lot of yowling and swearing and Vati came out two minutes later covered in kitty litter. Like the Abominable Ashtray! Even his beard was grey.
10:30 p.m.
In the end, after Angus had laid waste to four loo rolls, I was made to take him out on his lead to see if it would calm him down. God he’s strong! I mean, normally I have very little control over him but his love has given him the strength of ten mad cats. When we got out of the door he just took off with me on the end of the lead. Straight to Naomi’s love parlour. At Mr and Mrs Across the Road’s place there was a reinforced fence round the garden but you could see the house and there was Naomi! The sex kitten. Languishing in the kitchen window. On the windowsill. Looking all longing. She was like me. All puckered up and nowhere to go. Poor furry thing. Angus yowled and started doing this weird shivering thing. When Naomi saw Angus she immediately lay on her back with her girlie parts flowing free. She’s a dreadful minx. No wonder Angus is a wreck, driven mad by her Burmese sex kitteny charms. Still, that is male and female for you. Sex God was probably at home even now thinking about me and shivering with excitement like Angus.
10:00 p.m.
But hopefully not rubbing his bottom against a dustbin.
10:50 p.m.
We would have been there all night but fortunately Mr Across the Road drew the curtains and I found a bit of old sausage and managed to get Angus to trail after it. He was so miserable that I didn’t lock him in the kitchen. I let him sleep on my bed even though it is strictly verboten.
I said to him very seriously, “Angus, you are on best behaviour, just lie down and go to sleep.”
He was all purry and friendly and licky. You see, that’s all he needs – a bit of understanding.
Aahhh. It’s nice having a loyal furry pal. He’s a lot more loyal than some I could name but won’t.
Jas.
10:55 p.m.
Rosie, Jools, Ellen.
11:00 p.m.
Night-night, Sex God, wherever you are.
Midnight
Vati went ballisticisimus in the middle of the night. Raving on and shouting, “That is IT, that is IT!!!”
Mutti was saying, “Bob, bob … put the knife down.”
Has he finally snapped and will have to go to a Vatihome?
12:15 a.m.
Angus has pooed in Vati’s tie drawer! Hilarious really. El Beardo, as usual, did not see the joke. He dragged Angus, who was spitting at him, into the kitchen and locked him in there. Then he shouted at me, “Right, that’s IT! I’m going to the vet.”
I said, “Why? Are you feeling a bit peaky?” but he didn’t get it.
Thursday October 28th
10:00 a.m.
Vati said to me over our marvellous breakfast of … er … nothing, “He’s going to the vet and having his chimney swept as soon as I can make an appointment.”
What in the name of Sir Julie Andrews is he talking about now?
11:00 a.m.
I’ve got much too much on my mind to worry about chimneys. I think I may have a lurker coming