I am not wrong though. The electrician who came to look at the fridge that blew up after Dad has “fixed it” accused Dad of being a madman.
And the shed fell down on Uncle Eddie.
But grown-ups will never be told anything until it is too late. That is the sadnosity of grown-ups.
As Vati went into the cupboard under the stairs Mum looked at me, but what was I supposed to do? It’s her husband, she should stop him. He came out of the cupboard with a hammer and a saw. I said, “Well, probably catch up with you later in casualty then, Dad.”
He swore in a very unpleasant way.
Actually, Mum is probably hoping he will injure himself. She hasn’t had any excuse to go see gorgeous Dr Clooney for a week or so. Libby can’t have any more vaccinations – she’s practically a pin-cushion as it is – and I am not going to sustain any more sports injuries to help her out.
As I was just going to escape through the door Vati put his foot down with a firm hand.
“Georgia, make yourself useful. Take Angus out on his lead. Get him out from under my feet.”
I put Angus’s lead on him while he playfully bit my shins. He’s mad for fun. We reached the bottom of the hill in about two seconds flat because he caught wind of a tiny little Pekinese. The owner had to take refuge in a shop.
2:00 p.m.
Dad has built a hilarious fence. It’s sort of leany and falling-downy at the same time. It is supposed to keep Angus away from Naomi but when Dad was hammering in the final nail he said, “Yes, well, that should keep him safely in!” and the whole fence fell over … And Angus just walked straight over the fence into Next Door’s garden.
3:00 p.m.
Vati is having to pretend to be normal because Libby’s kindy mates have arrived. Libby’s an awfully rough hostess. When Millie and Oscar were bobbing for apples she “helped” them by banging them on the heads with her pumpkin lantern. Oscar couldn’t walk straight for ages and Millie wanted to go home. Well, actually, all of the children wanted to go home.
I said to Mutti, “Why does she think that smiling like that at people is normal?”
5:30 p.m.
Angus is having a huge laugh. He keeps appearing on the top of fences and so on. He ate Snowy’s play Bonio. Mr Next Door said he will have to get a dog psychiatrist in.
Vati’s been raving on and on. Outside I could see Mr and Mrs Next Door and Mr and Mrs Across the Road all muttering together and poking about with sticks. They are probably forming a lynch mob. For heaven’s sake.
Vati said, “As soon as we find him that is it, he has his trombone polished once and for all.”
As Dad was grumping around moaning on and on and banging things about in the kitchen I said to Mum, “Will you tell Vati that I don’t want to discuss things of a personal nature with him but if he takes Angus to the vet and has his, you know, trouser snake addendums tampered with, he is no longer my vati. I will be vatiless.”
Mutti just went tutting off into a world of her own.
Angus is a king amongst cats. He walks tall with his trouser snake addendas proudly dangling. Naomi is yowling all the time. Why don’t they just let them be together?
Monday November 1st
Back to School
Sacré bleu, merde and double poo
At “breakfast”
7:50 a.m.
Angus is on his lead, yowling, tied to the kitchen table. It’s like having a police car in the kitchen. He was brought back under armed guard this morning. The lynch mob only managed to get him because he tried to get in through Mr Across the Road’s catflap. To see his beloved sex kitten. No one seems to appreciate the romance of the situation. Angus had even taken Naomi a midnight snack of half chewed haddock fillet. How romantic is that?
Vati has got a job interview this morning. With my luck he’ll turn up serving hot dogs in a van outside school. With, as a coup d’état, Uncle Eddie as his assistant. Anyway, it means that Angus lives to polish his trombone another day.
Vati gave me a kiss on the head as he left!! Erlack!! I’ve asked him to respect my personal space. Well I said, “Please don’t touch me as I don’t want to be sick down my school uniform.”
I made for the door before anyone else could kiss me – I had seen the state of Libby’s mouth after her cornflakes and Jammy Dodger. As I went through the door Angus made a desperate bid for freedom. He was fastened to the kitchen table leg but that didn’t stop him. He dragged the table along with him. It really made me laugh because one minute Mum was eating her cornies on the table and the next minute the table and cornies were gone.
8:15 a.m.
Slouch slouch.
I saw Jas outside her gate. She was turning her skirt over at the top to make it short for the walk to school. We unroll as we approach Stalag 14 because of the ferret on guard there (Hawkeye). She lurks around the school gates like a lurking lurker. Hawkeye’s life ambition is to give us bad conduct marks for breaking useless school rules. That’s how fabulous her life is.
Anyway I crept up behind Jas and yelled, “Bonjour, sex bombe!!!” and she nearly had a nervy spaz. Which was very funny.
I wasn’t looking forward to facing le music. This was my first day back since I had been unjustly banned from school because Elvis Attwood had carelessly tripped over his wheelbarrow and injured himself. OK, he was chasing me at the time, but …
When we reached the school gates I didn’t even do anything annoying with my beret. Even Jas noticed. She said, “Gee, you’ve got your beret on properly.”
“That is because for the time being the party is over, Jas. You may also notice that I am not wearing lip gloss.”
“Crikey.”
As I slinked through the gate to Nazi headquarters Hawkeye was there like an eagle on heat. She hates me. I don’t know why. I am victimised by her. That is the sadness of life. As I went by her, she said, “Walk properly.”
What does that mean? Walk properly? As an amusing example of my hilariosity, I did a bit of a limp. Hawkeye shouted after me, “Georgia, don’t earn yourself a reprimand before you even get your coat off! As soon as assembly is over report to Miss Simpson’s office.”
She is such a stiff! I said to Jas, “I bet she irons her knickers.”
Jas started to say, “What is so wrong with that…?” but I had gone into the lavatory.
I sat down on the loos. Same old bat time, same old bat place. Good grief. In my despairosity I said out loud to myself, “What in the name of pantyhose is the point?”
A voice from the next loo said, “Gee, is that you?”
It was Ellen. I grunted. But she was all chatty. Just because she’s been to the cinema with Dave the Laugh. A dumpee of mine.
She said through the wall, “Do you know what Dave says when he is leaving? Instead of saying goodbye?”
I