me.’
Fliss took the look in Leon’s hazel eyes to be honest and open. Without having known it until now, she wanted someone to talk to. Leon seemed to fit the bill. ‘We’ve been trying for what feels like ages. Two years in total, but if you stick together all of the weekend days that my husband is here, it’s more like a year. So my husband, Ben, is convinced it’s down to timing and he’s not worried in the slightest. He’s quite content with having Hollie as a daughter, as am I, but there’s also such a strong desire within me to have another child so she can grow up with siblings like I did with my sisters. And now, the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more convinced I am that there’s a problem. We just don’t see eye to eye on getting it checked out.’
‘Why apply to the programme then? Couldn’t you go to the GP and ask them to test you?’
‘I was going to, but if there is a problem we have no way of funding any treatment. We already have a child and I’m too old to qualify for any financial help. But then my friend Ange told me about the programme and how it was willing to help on the money side of things. We’d have to pay for it ourselves and we can’t afford to, not with all our outgoings.’
‘So why apply when your husband doesn’t want to take part?’
Fliss knew it seemed odd. ‘Because even if he never wants to get his side of things checked out, I need some kind of peace of mind. I want to know if there’s anything wrong with me, whether I’m causing the problem. The thinking about it and not knowing is driving me a bit crazy so at least if I know it’s not me, it might stop me worrying for no reason. I guess it would have been silly to pass on the opportunity, and besides, I have a gut feeling this might be my only chance.’
‘And does your gut still tell you that?’
‘It’s so churned up it reckons something hasn’t agreed with me. I didn’t think about what would be involved when I applied and I’ve had butterflies in my stomach ever since. Like I said, I did it for me and I never thought about the consequences of keeping it from my family. I need to tell them about it. I’m just not ready to at the moment.’
‘Is that why you don’t want to take part any more? In case they find out?’
It was hard to tell if Leon was enquiring out of politeness or in an attempt to get her back onboard. ‘Partly. And the whole concept of putting my deepest desires out there in public. I tried to do a video diary and, aside from ballsing up operating the camera, it was also the most uncomfortable experience of my life, and that’s saying something when you’ve given birth.’ Fliss flicked away a strand of hair from her face, conscious that her updo was failing miserably.
Leon laughed. A refreshing and quick ‘Ha’ that filled the air and made her smile. ‘I’ve always preferred it behind the camera for precisely that reason. Not that I’d know anything about it being more uncomfortable than labour, but in this job I’ve learnt it takes a certain type of person to perform in front of the lens. But what you’re doing isn’t about a performance, you just need to be yourself. Tell people what it’s really like to go through what you’re going through the same as you’re telling me now.’
‘It’s not the same as this,’ Fliss said, as she flexed both hands tight around her mug as she took a sip. ‘What I’m telling you now won’t go any further unless you tell someone. You’re not going to, are you?’
‘My lips are sealed.’ Leon gestured as such.
‘If I say something on camera it’s documented for life. I can’t go back on it and it’ll be broadcast whether I like it or not. I’ve got no control in this. Just like I’ve got no control over my body.’
‘If there’s something you don’t want to keep, I can delete it if need be. It doesn’t have to be so out of your control.’
‘Really?’ Fliss’s brow furrowed. ‘Why would you do that? Surely you’d get into trouble?’
Leon shrugged. ‘I’m in charge now, remember. No one would know any different and, if it puts your mind at rest, I guess it’s worth the risk.’
‘You’re only saying that because you’re in charge. My dropping out is going to cause you problems.’
‘Look, I’m not going to lie to you. I could do without someone leaving the programme at this point in time. Your staying will save me a headache, but I asked because I wanted to know if this was right for you. I’ve got other applicants waiting, but I want the people it’ll help most involved in the programme. I think you fit that bill. Look, if you’re worried about doing the filming we can have a practice run here. I can set up the video and we can chat like we are now. Nice and relaxed.’
Fliss sighed and studied the garden. She hadn’t planned to be talked round like this. But saying her reasons out loud had made her realise she needed to give herself this opportunity. And with Leon now in charge, maybe it wouldn’t be quite as scary as she’d originally thought. Returning Leon’s intense stare, she decided to go with it. ‘I never will know unless I do it, so let’s do this practice run.’
‘How do you want to do this?’ Leon asked. ‘You can just talk to the camera or I can ask you some questions.’
The camera was all set up and staring at Fliss from the patio. ‘Can you ask questions, please? I didn’t know what to say the other night.’ She was finding talking to Leon therapeutic. He was a stranger, but somehow that made it easier to open up. It made her realise that, for some time now, she’d had no one to talk to outside of her relationship. Yes, she had her online community and she’d spoken to Ange on the phone, but aside from that she’d not spoken to anyone in the flesh. She’d put up a façade for her family, preventing her from admitting their dual lifestyle was causing them problems.
‘I’m no interviewer, though, so be warned, the questions I come up with might be rubbish. Just expand more on what you’ve already told me.’ Leon smiled. It was half hidden by the beard-length stubble situation, but it provided reassurance all the same.
‘I’m sure your questions will be far more tactful than anything Carrie would have come up with. Besides, you can edit out any rubbish attempts.’
‘True. So start by telling me how long you’ve been trying for a baby. Remember the audience don’t know anything about your story.’
Fliss tried to ignore the camera and spoke directly to Leon. ‘We started trying not long after moving here to Kent. I was naïve and thought I would fall pregnant again quickly like I did with my daughter, but I didn’t factor in how much less we would see each other now I’m here and my husband is in London all week. It didn’t worry me for the first year as our time together was so much less than before, but as time went on I started to suspect there might be a problem.’ Fliss shifted in the seat, trying to be relaxed like she was before.
Leon checked the camera then his head popped up and again he smiled his reassurance. ‘If you thought there was a problem, why didn’t you go and get it checked out then?’
‘I wanted to, but there was so much going on since we moved here. Hollie starting at her new school, decorating the house and flat, setting up my own business. Time passes so quickly and before you know it, it’s become like the dental check-up you need. You know you should book it, but you never seem to get round to it. Plus we’ve been so ready to put it down to the fact we only see each other two days out of seven. It’s pretty hard to co-ordinate having sex during your fertile period when you’re not in the same county.’
‘Haven’t you ever done like they show you in the movies and yelled at him to come home because you’re ovulating?’ Leon grinned. ‘Told you I wouldn’t be very good at asking questions.’
Fliss returned the smile and appreciated that it was a subject somehow better tackled with humour. ‘No, sadly it doesn’t work quite like they show