poor woman on the telly who couldn’t get pregnant.
‘But only do it if it’s what you want to do. Don’t let her push you into it. Do it if it’s right for you.’ He broke into her thoughts again as if reading her mind.
She took in his kind, stubble-covered face and decided to be honest. ‘I’m not sure any more. I thought it would be a great opportunity and we need to because of the funding. If I need IVF we don’t have any savings and at my age, plus the fact we already have a child, the NHS won’t fund it. But despite that, now it’s reality, I don’t know if it’s such a good idea. I didn’t think you’d be filming here at my house. It already feels invasive and I haven’t even signed up.’
‘Signing up is exactly what we need to discuss,’ Carrie said, rejoining them in the kitchen. ‘Don’t let Leon bother you. The light is much better in the lounge, Leon. Perhaps you can go and set up in there and I’ll talk Fliss through everything.’
Fliss didn’t miss the emphasis on ‘I’ll’ and Leon skulked off to the lounge with the gait of a sulky teenager. She also didn’t miss the wink he offered her as he left. Leon. Her late grandfather’s name. She liked him already.
‘Let’s sit down with this drink and chat through what format we’ll be following over the next few months. Here?’ Carrie indicated the small kitchen table, with the curled corners of Hollie’s paintings close enough to tickle earlobes.
Perhaps not, Fliss thought. ‘Outside will be nicer. Follow me.’ Fliss carried the drinks she’d prepared into the garden. Even the back door was grubby and Fliss worried about Carrie brushing against it in her crisp, white shirt. At least out in the garden Fliss wouldn’t worry about what Carrie thought of her home.
The garden was small, but perfectly formed. Her work studio was to one side and when she took a ten-minute break she would come out and tend to the borders around the lawn. It struck Fliss that Carrie wasn’t the type of person to know the difference between a weed and a plant. At least out here she knew it was up and together. She led Carrie to the patio and they sat at the mosaicked table – one of Fliss’s favourite restoration projects to date. So much so she had opted to keep it rather than selling it on.
‘Pretty,’ Carrie said, rubbing her hand over the detailed peacock design.
‘Thanks. Took me a while, but worth the effort,’ Fliss said, feeling more relaxed now she was in the place where she was most at one with the world.
‘You must be very patient to have completed something like this,’ Carrie said.
Fliss’s anxiety ebbed away slightly. Out here Carrie didn’t appear so fierce or critical. ‘It’s part of what I do with my interior design business. Revamping unloved furniture is the bit I love doing most.’
‘Well, you obviously have a good eye.’ Carrie sipped her coffee as the small talk dried up.
‘I don’t want to do this,’ Fliss blurted. There, she’d said it. ‘It was a spur of the moment thing when I filled out that form. Now you’re here and I’ve considered everything it doesn’t seem very sensible. I’m sorry to have wasted your time.’
Carrie leant forward and rested her hand on Fliss’s arm. ‘Don’t rush any decisions, Fliss. I think your story will resonate with a lot of people in the same situation as you. Let me explain our plan and consider what you want to do.’
‘Okay,’ Fliss said quickly in the hope Carrie would move out of her personal space. It had the desired effect and Carrie started her spiel.
‘In the first instance we want all the participants to do video diaries at home. That’s why we’re here today. Once we’ve set that up for you, we want you to carry on as you usually would and continue trying to get pregnant. During the first three months we ask that whenever you feel like you want to talk about what you’re going through you make a video diary. Talk about how you feel when you are fertile, and if your period turns up talk about how you feel then. We want to capture the emotions of wanting a child and why it’s so important to you. After that, if you haven’t fallen pregnant naturally, we’ll start the process of investigating your fertility.’
‘But there’s no point if it’s just me taking part. My husband said no. I shouldn’t have gone behind his back,’ Fliss said, biting her lip.
‘Three months is a long time. Perhaps he’ll change his mind by the time we get to that part. There’ll be no harm in your doing the video diary entries and if you decide not to take part later on we can scrap them and you won’t be included in the programme. The time will give you the chance to persuade him.’
‘I didn’t think you’d be coming here and recording in my house. I’ve got my daughter to think about as well.’
‘She won’t be affected by the filming. I promise we only want to set up a simple camcorder wherever you want it to be. Most of the documentary will be filmed later on. We ask that participants continue the video diaries throughout so we can get the personal side to your story. We don’t want it to be a clinical take on secondary infertility. We want the human perspective.’ Carrie sipped her coffee. ‘You’ll be perfect. Our viewers will really connect with what you’re going through. It strikes me it can be very lonely and that will resonate with people.’
Fliss considered for a second. Carrie had managed to sum up her marriage with one word. Lonely. It wasn’t something she’d ever admitted to anyone, but that was exactly what she was. Every week she cherished the time she spent with her daughter, but when Hollie was at school and in the evenings – especially the evenings – the loneliness had intensified over the years. Without Ben there she couldn’t pop out to meet up with her friends and, with her mum living an hour away in the car, it wasn’t easy to have a life of her own.
‘You might help someone in the same position as you.’ Carrie finished the last of her coffee.
Fliss thought of Ange. ‘I know lots of people who are struggling and they’ve become like friends. It’s something that only someone in the same situation really understands.’
‘So does that mean you’ll do the videos?’
Fliss had changed her mind about twenty times since they’d arrived. ‘Yes. It will give me time to have a proper think. As long as I can back out after those three months like you’ve promised. I want the fact the videos will be destroyed if I choose not to take part written into anything I sign.’
‘Of course.’ Carrie stood. ‘Let’s get back inside and see if Leon’s managed to set the camera up. We can have a quick test run. We’ll meet up again before the next stage of filming and you can give me your final decision then.’
Carrie headed off without Fliss and for a moment Fliss wondered whether it would be rude to run away. She wasn’t sure if she had the conviction to go through with any of this and it would be wrong to waste their time. It was the sense of being sprung upon making her uncomfortable. But then if she continued there was a chance of a baby. The sibling she longed for Hollie to have. If there was even the slightest hope this would get her closer to that goal she was prepared to grab it with both hands.
With that thought, Fliss matched Carrie’s stride and headed indoors.
‘Everything ready?’ Carrie asked when they reached the front room.
Leon and his lanky pal looked up from whatever it was they were fiddling with. They were both dressed in black jeans and black T-shirts, although Leon filled his out far better, and Fliss guessed it was some kind of uniform.
‘We’re ready to go through it whenever Fliss is,’ Leon said, his hazel eye’s holding her attention.
‘Excellent. I’ll go and see if I can find the paperwork in my car. I’ll leave you to it.’ Carrie let herself out of the front door.
Made yourself quite at home, haven’t you, Fliss thought as she stared after Carrie.
‘Do you want me to show you?’ Leon asked. His arched eyebrow