being required to assume a ‘false-self’ in order to impress others or get their needs met. If children are continually given the impression that they need to be someone else – not so much for their manners or protocol but because their ‘real self’ isn’t good-enough, their self-esteem is bound to suffer. (For example: ‘
When you’re at school make sure you don’t say or do … like you usually do’ or ‘
You can’t go out looking like that, it shows up your … what do you think people are going to think?’ or when a lively enquiring child is told ‘
If you ask me why one more time I’ll stop the car and you’ll have to walk home.’)
being forced to engage in unsuitable activities – especially if there is a high chance that they will not do them well because they have little aptitude or motivation. (For example: forcing a tone-deaf child to play the violin, or insisting that a creatively biased child study sciences at university.)
being compared unfavourably to others. For example ‘
Your sister would never have …’ or ‘
Other children in the world would be grateful for …’ or ‘
When we were your age, we never …’
being given the impression that their views or opinions are insignificant – especially over matters which concern them. (For example conversations about family holidays or their schooling that take place in their presence but without their involvement.)
being deprived of a reasonable explanation – especially when others are better informed. (For example ‘
… because I say so’ or ‘
You wait till you’re grown up, then you’ll understand.’)
being given a label which devalues their individuality. For example ‘
You girls are all the same’ or ‘
Kids – who’d have them?!’
being over-protected – especially if they are given the impression that this is because they are particularly weak or stupid. (For example ‘
No you can’t go by yourself, because knowing you they’ll take you for a ride.’)
over-punishing – especially if they are given the impression that they are intrinsically bad. (For example ‘
It’s the only way to teach you a lesson – you’re a born trouble-maker.’)
being given too few rules and guidelines – especially if the lack of these causes the children to make numerous avoidable mistakes and then get put down for making them. (For example not giving children adequate guidelines about sexual behaviour and then condemning them for making an embarrassing remark in public, or becoming pregnant; or not making a rule about playing with the matches and then getting cross when they burn themselves.)
being on the receiving end of inconsistent behaviour – especially if this is in their relationship with people who are responsible for their security. Those children whose parents ‘blow hot and cold’ with their love and attention are often left with the feeling that there is something wrong with them which is preventing them from being consistently lovable or pleasing to be with.
being threatened with or receiving physical violence – especially if they are told that they have driven the perpetrator to this immoral and undesirable act. (For example ‘
You’re the only person in the world who makes me feel violent’ or ‘
I feel awful about having hit you, but you’re so difficult.’)
being subjected to inappropriate sexual innuendo or contact – especially from someone entrusted to care for them (such as child sexual abuse from a relative, babysitter or teacher).
being blamed for leading a loved or respected person astray ‘
If you hadn’t been so naughty in the supermarket I wouldn’t have needed this cigarette’ or ‘
If I were teaching you I think I would have lost interest by now, too.’
being over-fed a diet of unachievable ideals by the media – especially when they themselves are socially or physically disadvantaged and have very little hope of ever reaching perfection. (For example seeing images on TV of other children who can afford to give up their toys or pocket money to the third world; or seeing pictures of clever ideas for Mother’s and Father’s Day gifts in magazines, when they may not have access to the materials needed to produce them, or even Mums and Dads who will appreciate them.)
As I was writing this, memories from my own childhood came flooding back – quite probably difficult emotional bells have started to ring for you, too. Maybe if you are a parent like me you may have identified not only with the children’s experiences, but also with the imperfect guilty adults!
Perhaps we can take some comfort in reminding ourselves that we are not alone. In fact we are probably in the company of the vast majority because, even in today’s psychologically enlightened world, these kinds of knocks to children’s self-esteem are still very commonplace. The good news is that there is hope for us yet, on both fronts! In the following chapters there are guidelines on how to heal your own childhood emotional wounds (Chapter 3) and guidelines on how to break unwanted habits which seem to compel us to knock rather than build others’ self-esteem (Chapter 9). But for the moment let’s return to our discussion of how we acquire negative self-esteem and other unwanted aspects of ourselves – because this knowledge can fuel our motivation to change.
What effect does the battering of a child’s self-esteem have on the formation of his or her personality? There are some people who still (in spite of much psychological evidence to the contrary) argue that this kind of emotional abuse can in fact have a positive effect (‘It helps toughen them up and prepare them for the real world’ and ‘humility is after all an ennobling virtue’).
Perhaps in some cultures, in some circumstances and with some children, one or two of the examples I have given could have a positive psychological effect. But the evidence strongly suggests that children whose self-esteem has been repeatedly knocked in these ways are much more likely to enter adulthood with two very serious disadvantages:
1. A ‘victim’ style of personality – deeply embedded in their psyche is the belief that life is destined to offer them only more discouragement and abuse – and furthermore that they are powerless to defend themselves from such injustice. In addition, because it is a psychological ‘law’ that like seeks like, they will find themselves unconsciously drawn towards experiences and relationships which will confirm their view of themselves as losers, and of life as disappointing. Because they are not expecting ‘the best’ they may not even notice positive opportunities. If happiness
