And finally, our ability to withstand each of these knocks will depend on just how many of these factors are currently in play. The low self-esteem cycle is so vicious that it is not uncommon to find all five present at once!
It is therefore vital that those of us who find ourselves prone to getting caught up in such negative whirlpools know how to use efficient, purposeful and even sometimes aggressive strategies in defence of our self-esteem.
With the odds for success and happiness so very heavily weighted against people with shaky self-esteem, who can afford simply to sit back and patiently hope that Lady Luck or a guiding star will eventually bring a fair share of good fortune? So let’s move into action!
Laying the Foundations for Action
In this section we will be covering the background personal development work which I find most people need to do before they can make effective use a self-esteem building programme. Even if you have already done a considerable amount of work on yourself, I would suggest that you read quickly through this section as I shall be referring to many of the concepts and strategies discussed here in the practical exercises in Sections Three and Four.
Ten Golden Keys to Self-esteem
Most of us have more commitment to an activity if we can understand the purpose and philosophy behind what we are trying to do. In this chapter I have outlined the basic principles behind the self-esteem-building programme. I have used a mnemonic based on the letters in the words SELF-ESTEEM to make this bit of the theory easier to remember.
Scrutiny
Explanation
Love
Focus
Envisaging
Strategy
Triggers
Encouragement
Experimentation
Monitoring
Scrutiny
Before we begin making any change it is always advisable to make a detailed study of the current status quo. In the area of self-esteem-building work, this means taking steps to increase our own self-awareness and doing a thorough review of our lifestyle and relationships.
You may find that this is the most scary stage of all. People often think that once they start serious self-reflection they may get even more down and depressed. This only happens if there is no effective personal development programme to support the ‘navel-gazing’ work. You need not worry – I assure you this book contains enough ideas to help line the walls of your whole house with practical action plans!
Explanation
Once we have gathered our information we need to analyse it as objectively as we can. That which we cannot change we are then more easily able to accept or delegate as the responsibility of others.
This aspect of our work often entails looking back into the past to gain some understanding of the present. Critical ‘outsiders’ often think that when we do this our main objective is to apportion blame. But certainly no one is on trial in this work. Any analysis we do is merely a small (albeit important) step in the process of helping us to increase our ability to take more responsibility (not less) for our own feelings and our future.
| Taking a logical look at the facts helps us to clarify, accept and take responsibility for what we can change. |
Love
This is the essential food of the whole programme! Self-love must be administered immediately and abundantly in very practical and clearly demonstrable ways. Ideally I would recommend a week locked in a luxurious health hotel before even reading the next chapter of the book! Most people could do with a boost to their physical energy before embarking on a personal development work, but those of us with low self-esteem are likely to have an even greater need of some extra physical care and nurturing.
But it isn’t just at the start of the your programme that you will need to ‘spoil yourself’ with evidence of your self-love; your progress will benefit greatly if you keep taking substantial doses of this medicine throughout your work.
If you have grown up in the belief that this kind of love is sinful and immoral, you may need first to work on challenging the ethics and rationality behind this. If you are in the habit of confusing the ethics of self-love with selfishness, the exercises in Chapter 6 should help – but even once ‘converted’ you may still find yourself addicted to people-pleasing habits. You need to treat this infliction just as you would any other self-destructive habit (see Chapter 4).
Focus
Low self-esteem causes so many problems in so many areas of our lives and relationships that it is easy to get overwhelmed or flit our attention anxiously from one area to another. It is, therefore, very important to focus on one manageable problem at a time; in so doing we not only greatly enhance our chance of success but also give ourselves the opportunity to enjoy and fully benefit from the confidence boost that accompanies each achievement.
The initial problems you focus on must be only mildly, rather than extremely challenging. (For example, you could choose to work on boosting your self-esteem when you are in the company of certain people whom you do not need particularly to impress but with whom you would like to feel more comfortable and at ease. This means that you have a better chance of keeping your anxiety levels within manageable limits.)
| Throughout your programme, therefore, you should focus on one problem at a time. |
I find that most people are desperate to dive in at the deep end of their problems. Resist this temptation by reminding yourself that the world of self-esteem is a dangerous whirlpool and not at all a friendly sea!
Envisaging
We can greatly increase our motivation if we constantly keep a clear image in the forefront of our minds of the new self-assured persona we are trying to acquire. You will find that in several programmes I suggest doing exercises which will help you to feed your subconscious with positive images of the ‘you’ you are trying to become. I have found that it also helps enormously if we share this dream image with other people. (Why not start now by telling at least one supportive friend that you are currently reading and working through this book, and letting him or her know what positive changes you envisage for yourself?)
Strategy
As I said earlier, strategies and even aggressive action plans are essential – but they must be broken down into small, practical steps. Often I will suggest a specific format for your action plan depending on the kind of work