Self Esteem: Simple Steps to Build Your Confidence. Gael Lindenfield

fortune’ to be short-lived. Having such a negatively inclined view of their future, they tend to be very unmotivated to assert their needs or develop their potential for either success or happiness.

      2. A deficiency of social and life skills – which means that they are much less able to behave automatically in ways which are self-protective, self-confident and self-empowering. For example, coming from the kind of childhood background we have identified is unlikely to have encouraged them to learn the important arts of speaking, acting and presenting themselves in ways that will ensure that they are noticed and respected. They may even find compliments and genuine appreciation embarrassing, simply because they do not know how to handle them assertively. Those who by nature are introverts are likely to be seen as painfully shy, those who are are extroverts will be seen as too ‘pushy’ or ‘loud’. Neither will find supportive nurturing relationships easy to form and maintain.

Psychologically deprived and damaged children will find themselves very much less able to withstand even the normal wear and tear of adult emotional life.

      Such children, therefore, enter the adult world with noticeably less personal power than those who have had the growth of their self-esteem encouraged and boosted. This means that in our current society they are also very much less able to achieve any other kind of power, including the basic economic power to earn a reasonable living.

       How Self-esteem Can Be Dented and Battered in our Adult Lives

      Unfortunately, even if we have had a charmed emotional childhood our self-esteem still has a tough survival course to work through in modern everyday adult life. I am sure most of you can identify with many of these following examples as well! You can use this list as a checklist to reflect on how your self-esteem may have been damaged during the last month.

being taken for granted, ignored or rejected – especially by someone whom we like, love or respect

      

being ‘put-down’ or unfairly criticized – especially in situations where it is difficult for us to defend ourselves (by a boss at work; a friend at a party; a lawyer in court)

      

shopping for clothes and finding nothing to fit us – especially when we seem to be surrounded by sales assistants and fellow shoppers of the ‘Vogue’ variety!

      

coming out in ‘unsightly’ spots, rashes or sores – especially just before one of those daunting ‘high-profile’ events!

      

being ‘herded’ onto an overcrowded train – especially when we have just bought our ticket from someone who gave us the impression that we look more like someone who could only afford to go on foot!

      

an unexpected visit from certain relatives or friends when our house is a mess or the children are having an embarrassing tantrum

      

being deceived – especially by someone in whom we had placed our trust

      

failing an exam – especially one which everyone else in our world seems well able to pass!

      

being turned down for a job or course – especially one which was well within our capabilities

      

being left behind on our career ladder – especially when younger or less experienced people are skipping a few rungs

      

doing boring, repetitive work – especially when it’s of the kind we know could equally well be done by a mindless robot

      

not receiving appreciation or economic reward for our labours – especially when we seem to be surrounded by prosperous idlers

      

not being consulted about changes to our working conditions or job description – especially when the ‘reforms’ do not appear to reflect our interests

      

not being given fair opportunities to use our strengths and potential for taking responsibility

      

losing our job – especially at a time when we should have been working near the peak of our potential

      

having our needs ignored or barely recognized when we are incapacitated or disabled

      

making a mistake – especially one which we feel we should not have made

      

doing something ‘wrong’ – especially if the deed breaches our own moral code

      These are just some of the more common experiences I know about! I am well aware that many of you will have experienced many more serious threats and damage, which may include, for example:

      – prolonged unemployment or unfair dismissal

      – persistent political or social discrimination

      – sexual abuse

      – violent attack to ourselves or our property

      – serious deterioration of, or damage to, either body or mind.

      And let’s not forget the vicious cycle that can start as soon as we receive just any one (not to mention two or more!) of these knocks.

      Although all the above experiences have the potential to hurt our self-esteem, the extent of the damage caused by each individual knock will, of course, depend on a number of variable factors, such as:

      – the sheer quantity of blows – don’t we all know the ‘last straw’ feeling?

      – the current state of our basic, inner sense of self-worth which is, of course, substantially shaped and formed by the experiences our self-esteem has met both in childhood and as adults

      – our physical health – don’t we all know how much more a put-down hurts when we are tired or ‘off colour’?

      – the quality of our self-protective skills which enable us to ‘fight back’ and assert ourselves

      – the amount of power and status we currently have in each situation. For example, an unfair criticism from a peer is unlikely to have the same wounding power as that of a senior colleague who uses his or her power to humiliate us in the course of an important public meeting.

       It is going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it

      Kin